Film Review: G.I.: Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Now that Hollywood is running out of comic book characters for it's summer action blockbusters it's time for toys to take their place on the big screen, and following Transformer's box office success toy giants Hasbro have decided to give G.I.: Joe it's cinema debut in The Rise of Cobra. But with an all star cast including someone from an Amanda Bynes film, that pretty girl from the new Hugo Boss adverts and Marlon Wayans (I know, my heart sank when I found out he was in films as well), it wasn't looking particularly promising.

Things start off in 1641 - it just wouldn't be a proper toy franchise film without a hastily explained and completely irrelevant back story now, would it? - as the lead villain's great-great-great-great-granddad Klan McCullen is punished for selling weapons to both sides of a war. Then time accelerates a few hundred years to the near future where the nefarious James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston, the only face you'll recognise during the film which isn't just a five second cameo) is developing weapons of his own, while simultaneously planning to take over the world. As you do.

These weapons end up in the hands of the incredibly responsible US Military, led by All-American hero Duke (who is unintentionally referred to as "Dook" throughout the film, which is mildly hilarious) and his allegedly comic relief sidekick Ripcord. It's not long before they're ambushed by McCullen's Cobra soldiers, led by Sienna Miller in skin-tight black leather (I can hear you booking the tickets already), who try to steal the weapons back (which just makes you wonder why they sold the weapons in the first place) and it's not long before they're ambushed by G.I.: Joe (who isn't just one G.I called Joe, but a whole bunch of people collectively known as "Joes". I'm confused too). After the Joes have routed Cobra with their superior CGI they whisk Dook and Ripcord to their super secret base where they're recruited into the elite team.

That's about twenty minutes of the film and you can probably guess where it goes from there - Cobra get weapons again, shit hits fan, Joes save day, Dook gets girl, credits roll, The End - but since this is an action blockbuster based on an action figure it's probably a bit harsh to slate it for being predictable. But it isn't too harsh to slate it for all the pointless back story it ham-handedly tries to weave in inbetween all the CGI explosions and black leather. Having one back story - like the one explaining Doctor Who's motivation for world domination - is forgiveable, but there's one for every other character. As if we need an explanation for why the black ninja doesn't like the white ninja. They're different colours, we just fucking accept it.

There is a bunch of other stuff wrong with G.I.: Joe but it's not as if I need to spell it out for you, just think of pretty much anything that could be wrong with an action blockbuster and the chances are that it'll be wrong with G.I.: Joe. But there's always the slightest hint that everything it does is a little tongue-in-cheek, as if director Stephen Sommers knew that turning G.I.: Joe into a decent action flick was next to impossible so decided to screw it up completely for poops and giggles, giving G.I.:Joe a distinct Team America feel. It even goes as far as to replicate the opening scene, where the good guys inadvertently destroy most of Paris before bewilderedly questioning why everyone is so annoyed at them. It's a shame they couldn't include the sing-a-long about AIDs, though.

I suppose how much you enjoy G.I.: Joe: The Rise of Cobra will depend on how you watch it. As a stock action film it's mildly entertaining, and as a completely piss-take it's slightly genius. Just don't try watching it from a discerning, critical perspective because then, obviously, it's absolute rubbish. But people with discerning, critical perspectives shouldn't watch films like G.I.: Joe anyway.


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AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE

GEEEEE AAAAAAYEEEEEE JOOOOOOOOOOOE