Film Review: G.I.: Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Now that Hollywood is running out of comic book characters for it's summer action blockbusters it's time for toys to take their place on the big screen, and following Transformer's box office success toy giants Hasbro have decided to give G.I.: Joe it's cinema debut in The Rise of Cobra. But with an all star cast including someone from an Amanda Bynes film, that pretty girl from the new Hugo Boss adverts and Marlon Wayans (I know, my heart sank when I found out he was in films as well), it wasn't looking particularly promising.

Things start off in 1641 - it just wouldn't be a proper toy franchise film without a hastily explained and completely irrelevant back story now, would it? - as the lead villain's great-great-great-great-granddad Klan McCullen is punished for selling weapons to both sides of a war. Then time accelerates a few hundred years to the near future where the nefarious James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston, the only face you'll recognise during the film which isn't just a five second cameo) is developing weapons of his own, while simultaneously planning to take over the world. As you do.

These weapons end up in the hands of the incredibly responsible US Military, led by All-American hero Duke (who is unintentionally referred to as "Dook" throughout the film, which is mildly hilarious) and his allegedly comic relief sidekick Ripcord. It's not long before they're ambushed by McCullen's Cobra soldiers, led by Sienna Miller in skin-tight black leather (I can hear you booking the tickets already), who try to steal the weapons back (which just makes you wonder why they sold the weapons in the first place) and it's not long before they're ambushed by G.I.: Joe (who isn't just one G.I called Joe, but a whole bunch of people collectively known as "Joes". I'm confused too). After the Joes have routed Cobra with their superior CGI they whisk Dook and Ripcord to their super secret base where they're recruited into the elite team.

That's about twenty minutes of the film and you can probably guess where it goes from there - Cobra get weapons again, shit hits fan, Joes save day, Dook gets girl, credits roll, The End - but since this is an action blockbuster based on an action figure it's probably a bit harsh to slate it for being predictable. But it isn't too harsh to slate it for all the pointless back story it ham-handedly tries to weave in inbetween all the CGI explosions and black leather. Having one back story - like the one explaining Doctor Who's motivation for world domination - is forgiveable, but there's one for every other character. As if we need an explanation for why the black ninja doesn't like the white ninja. They're different colours, we just fucking accept it.

There is a bunch of other stuff wrong with G.I.: Joe but it's not as if I need to spell it out for you, just think of pretty much anything that could be wrong with an action blockbuster and the chances are that it'll be wrong with G.I.: Joe. But there's always the slightest hint that everything it does is a little tongue-in-cheek, as if director Stephen Sommers knew that turning G.I.: Joe into a decent action flick was next to impossible so decided to screw it up completely for poops and giggles, giving G.I.:Joe a distinct Team America feel. It even goes as far as to replicate the opening scene, where the good guys inadvertently destroy most of Paris before bewilderedly questioning why everyone is so annoyed at them. It's a shame they couldn't include the sing-a-long about AIDs, though.

I suppose how much you enjoy G.I.: Joe: The Rise of Cobra will depend on how you watch it. As a stock action film it's mildly entertaining, and as a completely piss-take it's slightly genius. Just don't try watching it from a discerning, critical perspective because then, obviously, it's absolute rubbish. But people with discerning, critical perspectives shouldn't watch films like G.I.: Joe anyway.


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AND NOW YOU KNOW

AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE

GEEEEE AAAAAAYEEEEEE JOOOOOOOOOOOE

TV Review: You Have Been Watching

Charlie Brooker, the cynical and seemingly sociopathic mind behind BBC4's excellent Screenwipe, has gone all mainstream in his latest television foray on, er, television with new Channel 4 quiz show 'You Have Been Watching' - where Brooker quizzes three guests on recent weeks television to test their knowledge, creativity and punch lines. Half way into the series' eight week run, how is Brooker coping under the heat of the studio lights?

You Have Been Watching seemed to have a winning formula. Brooker quizzing various comedians (and, for some bizarre yet obligatory reason, Jamelia) were amusing enough, while his own Screenwipe-esque segments were still as funny as they were when it was just him sitting alone in a darkened room (even if there were fewer words bleeped out). But for some reason, which has become increasingly obvious as the series has dragged on, this doesn't quite seem to work.

One reasons for this could be the guests, who all seem a little mismatched. Obviously the inclusion of Jamelia in the opening episode was a little odd, but even the likes of Frankie Boyle and Reece Shearsmith - people with the kind of dark humour that you'd think would match up well with the likes of Brooker - somehow feel out of place and awkward with each other and the host, almost as if they're worried about being too funny in case they accidentally upstage Brooker and he bites off their heads in retaliation. Which is a completely unfounded fear, as his neck isn't nearly long enough to reach the far end of the set.

But the main problem seems to be Brooker himself who has become increasingly awkward with both the audience and the guests as the series has gone on, and seems unable to develop any kind of rapport with either. This was most obvious during the third episode; while Brooker jokingly berated the three guests they sat gawping in confusion, like school students being yelled at by a new substitute teacher, with the whole thing followed by hesitant applause from an audience who were clearly so dumbfounded by the speech they'd forgotten to read the big red "applause" sign dangling from the studio rafters. Maybe that's the point, maybe Brooker - a man who who often referred to himself as misanthropic - is maintaining an awkward atmosphere as a private joke between him and the producers. It's just a shame nobody else gets to laugh.

That said, You Have Been Watching is still good for a few laughs, just not quite as many as you'd have expected after watching the likes of Screen and Newswipe. What made those shows funny is still there, it just lacks the harsh, brash language that made them both so much more entertaining. As for his newly chosen format, so far it's unconvincing. The guests and flashy set just get in the way of what everyone actually wants to see; Brooker sitting alone in a darkened room vocalising his hatred and making jokes about bums. Maybe I'll dig out a couple of old Screenwipe episodes tomorrow night instead.

You Have Been Watching is on at 10pm, Tuesdays nights on Channel 4.

Game Review: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

The video game adaptation of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen never really looked like it was going to be any good. Never mind the fact that it's a movie tie-in, but the developer and publisher history - practically non-existent and shamelessly corporate respectively - didn't exactly fill anyone with optimism. Still, so long as it sticks to the premise of giant robots transforming into sports cars and planes and kicking the crap out of each other it can't be all bad, right?

The good news is that Revenge of the Fallen does just that. In both single and multiplayer you'll play as either Autobots or Decepticons, and roam around small areas of Japan, America, Egypt and wherever else scrapping with other giant robots. With a decent sized arsenal of weapons and vehicles, there's enough here to keep the novelty fresh for a good couple of hours. Although once that novelty wears off, it all starts going rapidly downhill.

The first thing you'll notice is the controls, which are all over the place. The developers have tried to find a system that allows you to quickly transform between the three modes - weapons, vehicles and movement (allowing you to scale buildings as your chosen Transformer) - but in doing so have come up with an overly complicated and fiddly system. Let's say your driving down the road in vehicle mode (so holding down the right trigger), and you see an enemy on top of a building. If you want to take a shot at them you have to let go of the right trigger to exit vehicle mode, hold down the left trigger to go into weapons mode, turn around to target the enemy, choose which weapon you want to use with the left or right bumpers, and then fire on them with the right trigger. How complicated is that? Considering the d-pad isn't being used for anything and would be a much simpler way of switching between them, developers Luxoflux have made what could have been a simple system needlessly intricate and irritating to grasp.

While Revenge of the Fallen does stick to the giant mechanical brawl idea instead of dithering about with awkward teenage romance (I know you're probably not reading this Mr Bay, but take notes if you are), in the single player it will become very tedious, very quickly. The option to choose between playing as Decepticons or Autobots is appreciated, but ultimately unnecessary since you'll be playing through exactly the same levels and the enemies you fight - a selection of identical mini Autobots and Decepticons depending on which faction you choose - aren't varied or challenging, so fighting them throughout the few hours of each campaign is incredibly repetitive. Annoyingly, Luxoflux could have easily prevented this by giving the Decepticons human enemies rather than the rubbish mini Autobots, which could have done wonders to spice things up a bit - I mean, who wouldn't want to wander around as a mechanical behemoth blowing up armies of oncoming tanks? - but naturally, they've gone for the cheaper, easier option. With this being an Activision published movie tie-in it's hardly surprising, but you can't help but feel a little disappointed when you think of how much more potential there could be in a Transformers game.

It doesn't help that the repetitive missions are accompanied by equally repetitive voice-overs. After completing a mission, the chosen faction will sit around a giant holographic globe monotonously discussing your mission performance. Who actually thought it'd be a good idea to have five badly voice-acted robots blather on for however long about accuracy statistics and uncompleted bonus objectives? And who decided to make it unskippable? And who tested without pointing out how bloody stupid it was? And who... fuck it. There are too many individuals to blame. I'll just Google the address of Luxoflux's development studios and bare my arse in that general direction. That'll show 'em.

The closest Revenge of the Fallen comes to have a saving grace is it's multiplayer, but even that is riddled with faults. There are only four game types and there's very little map variety, and players have an irritating habit of dropping in and out of games so multiplayer lacks any consistent pace. When enough people do stick around matches can be competitive and fun, but this happens so rarely that it's not often worth sticking around for. Like everything else with Revenge of the Fallen then, Luxoflux have put the bare minimum effort into the multiplayer and it really shows.

So Revenge of the Fallen is, unsurprisingly, one of the worst games to have come out for the 360 this summer. It's completely half arsed, and Luxoflux don't seem to have put any effort in anywhere. It's a shame really, after playing through Wolverine: Origins it seemed there was a glimmer of hope for movie tie-in titles, but that view has been well and truly jaded after playing through this thoroughly average excuse for a game. And to think the same people who published this are genuinely threatening to up the price of their games to £55. Where do they get the knackers?