Game Review: Wolfenstein

It's been an eight year wait but the Wolfenstein series, one of the grand-daddies of first-person shooters, has finally made it's way into this generation. Known simply as Wolfenstein, can the latest instalment in the veteran series re-establish itself in an increasingly huge market of first-person shooters?

Things don't start off promising as we find the protagonist, B.J Blazkowicz (I wish I was kidding), disguised on board a Nazi U-boat off the coast of jolly old Blighty. However, it's not long (maybe ten seconds into the cutscene) before our all-American hero abandons all subtlety and, after a daring attempted escape, finds himself cornered by the crew. But, just as they're about to fire, a mysterious blue light emanates around B.J, shielding him from an onslaught of bullets before disintegrating his surrounding enemies. When his bosses realise that the strange light came from a medallion linked to Isenstadt, a German town that has recently become occupied by Nazi cultists, B.J is sent undercover to investigate the goings-on, and then put a stop to it.

As you can tell based on that opening cutscene (a lot of which should have been playable, instead of leaving you sat there completely bewildered for about five minutes), Wolfenstein boasts one of the most hilariously contrived plots in video game history. There are some brilliantly bad moments dotted around the cutscenes - like a heavily accented Russian man with a Stalin 'tasche and an eye-patch standing in a pub full of snarling Nazis warning B.J not to "blow our cover", or how everyone in Isenstadt seems to know the apparently undercover protagonist by his full name - that come around without even the slightest hint of irony. It's so horrifically, shamefully bad that it's almost good. Except it isn't really. It's just rubbish.

It doesn't get much better while you're playing Wolfenstein. Most of the single player is spent wandering around Isenstadt, a sort of psuedo-free-roaming environment that pretends to encourage exploration (loading screens will be full of "Search every corner of Isenstadt for gold and intel") but punishes you for doing so by respawning enemies every time you walk round a corner. By the time you've fought your way through, picked up the minimal gold that was lying around and gotten to the market to spend it, you'd need to spend about a quarter of it on ammo for your weapons anyway! Still, maybe this is a blessing in disguise, since the weapon upgrades are mostly useless (more on that in a minute) and the story isn't nearly interesting enough to make any intel worth reading. That, and exploring Isenstadt is probably the most depressing thing in the world. Every street being a dreary mixture of grey and brown, and with Wolfenstein's graphics looking so dated it's probably one of the ugliest games that's been released for a while.

The missions are a little better, since unlike the areas in Isenstadt they have some purpose and direction. It goes without saying that they're a little generic - this series helped define generic back in the 90's - but they're well paced, and grant you access to all kinds of new powers and equipment.

There's a good variety of weapons to choose from in Wolfenstein. As well as the obligatory weapons that appear in every WW2 themed game (MP40, Panzerschrek, etc) there are a couple of fancy, futuristic weapons, such as the particle cannon. Mixing these very different weapons together works very well; not so much because it adds variety, but because storming round an underground Nazi fortress firing a huge disintegrating beam into anyone that so much as mutters "Achtung" is a hell of a lot of fun. At least until you run out of ammo. The only irritating thing about the weapons was swapping between them, since with a PS3 controller you're never quite sure how much pressure to apply to the R2 button, so a lot of the time it either doesn't swap at all or it brings up the full weapon menu instead of instantly swapping between two weapons, which can be a real pain in the middle of a fire fight.

You'll also have powers, accessed through the aforementioned medallion. The three main powers allow you to control time, deal extra damage and create a personal shield, and can be used to quickly get you out of any tough situations you find yourself in. The other, more basic power, which lets you see the world through an alternate dimension (I honest to God cannot believe I'm writing some of this stuff with my tongue out of my cheek), showing you any secret passages, enemy weak points, and areas where you can recharge your medallion. It's a decent extra but most of the time it's fairly pointless. You'll use it but only because it's there, not because it ever feels particularly necessary to overcome difficult obstacles.

The same can be said for the upgrades system. As I said earlier, you can spend any gold you find lying around on upgrades for your weapons and powers, although in my experience with Wolfenstein it turned out to be pretty frivolous. Since the bigger weapons and later powers are so expensive to upgrade, I just ended up ploughing all my money into the sniper rifle and time control power, and coasted through the game near enough effortlessly with just that one weapon and power, and didn't feel the need to use the otherwise awesome futuristic weapons.

So then, Wolfenstein is ugly, contrived, dated, stupid, clunky, rarely challenging, and the protagonist is named after fellatio. In short, pretty damn bad. It's not as if there are no saving graces - I'm going to bring up that particle gun again - but they don't do much to make up for everything that Wolfenstein does so clumsily. Still, it's not without purpose. Maybe, in twenty years time, developers looking to bring back Halo or Bioshock will look at Wolfenstein and go "Actually, no". Unless they're spearheaded by Activision, of course.

Acorah to inspire Ghost re-envisioning.

Medium Derek Acorah is all set to inspire a remake of hit 1990 movie ghost, following the death of original star Patrick Swayze yesterday.

Acorah, who made a name for himself as a medium working alongside shrieking blonde Yvette Fielding on Living TV's Most Haunted, has stated his interest in recreating the classic romantic flick, which starred Patrick Swayze as a ghost alongside co-star Demi Moore.

“I've already heard from my spirit guide that Swayze's spirit has returned to his home, so we've already got one big name on location” claimed the veteran bullshitter. “If we could just drag Demi from canoodling her adopted son for a couple of minutes we'd be mostly set”.

Acorah did note that a problem with filming scenes with Swayze could be visibility. “It is true that most ghosts are ethereal, making them very difficult to spot for most people” he confessed, “but if you really visualise the ghost, you'll see it. Think of it like the Emperor's new clothes, but I'm honestly not pulling a fast one.”

“If test audiences still struggle, we'll get one of the guys to put in a floating dot that hovers around Demi's erect nipples, or something like that.”

Reports in Hollywood claim that Fox are already in the advanced stages of negotiating a film deal with Acorah and his spirit guide.

Morning all.

Since someone's alarm went off at seven-bloody-AM on a Saturday, I figured I'd quickly write something up while the beast is still asleep next door.

I ended up getting Wolfenstein, and hopefully I'll have a review done for that by the end of next week. First impressions are that it's, well, poor. Really, really poor. I'd elaborate, but then I'd risk accidentally using a metaphor that I'd have rather used in the full review and then kicking myself for a good thirty minutes trying to thing of a new one. Just be safe in the knowledge that it features Nazis, occult artifacts and a huge chinned protagonist. See, now I don't even need to elaborate.

In other news, apparently it was the Dreamcast's tenth birthday the other day, which is nice. Having never owned a Dreamcast or even played one, I'm not exactly mourning it's short lived existence, but some of the write ups and interviews about it's downfall are fairly interesting, if not a little sensationalist and bum-licking. They're worth checking out, if you've got a few minutes going spare.

Anyway, I'm off to make a bacon sandwich so that when I do wake the missus, she'll have something to bit other than my head...off. That didn't work quite as well as I wanted it to.

I've decided that it's about time I got back into the routine I had started...wait, this sounds familiar.

You've probably noticed that I've not been doing much around here recently, apart from the odd review going up every couple of months before I crawled back into my proverbial hole. There are a couple of good reasons for this, or at least I'd like to pretend they're good reasons. My girlfriend has moved in (more on that at a later date), I've been on holiday, and somehow I've ended up with three dogs; officially qualifying me and anyone who enters my house as a weird dog person. So naturally I didn't have as much time on my hands as I used to back when I was churning out two reviews a week.

But, now that everything has settled down a bit, I've got a little bit more time and I should be able to get properly stuck into writing again. Unfortunately, since I'm saving up to move out, it's not going to be a case of two game or film reviews a week since I just don't think I can afford it at the moment. I'll be looking into more free stuff – regular blogging, TV reviews, satirical news and such like – just so that I can keep getting practice in. Not sure how interesting I'll be able to make blogging, mind - the most interesting thing that has happened to me in the last couple of days was when I rearranged all the pins on the notice boards at work into a hexagon, so I could find out what I'd look like to a golden spider who'd lost his glasses (as it turns out, gold and blurry) – but maybe I could throw a couple of cock jokes in there and make it all worthwhile.

Anyway! Plans for reviews this month are pretty straightforward. I'm renting two games today, one of them will be Motorstorm: Pacific Rift for my swanky new Playstation 3 (now you know why I can afford two reviews a week), and the other will be either Wolfenstein or Batman: Arkham Asylum, depending on what they've got in stock. Following that there should be a review of the Red Faction: Guerilla DLC, and then (predictably) Halo 3: ODST. I might even try and squeeze District 9 in there somewhere as well, even if I have to go on my lonesome.

You can expect an update round here every two or three days now, so if you're interested (or, more likely, seriously bored) you should keep checking up on this place.

See you around!

Game Review: Shadow Complex

It's not often that an Xbox Live Arcade title grabs the gaming world's attention in the same way that Shadow Complex has. Not only has it broken records on the Live Arcade for most downloads in an opening week, but it's been picking up critical acclaim from just about every major games site there is. Frankly, if that hasn't convinced you yet, then why you're reading the opinion of a no-name amateur with sub-par grammar is beyond me - especially since I'm probably just going to end up echoing everything they've said anyway.

Shadow Complex begins with Jason Flemming (voiced by Nolan North, who seems to be an obligatory inclusion in pretty much any video game these days) and his girlfriend Claire spontaneously exploring some caverns while on a backpacking trip, when they accidentally stumble upon a huge underground military complex. When Claire is captured, Jason is forced to put his convenient military training to use in order to infiltrate the base and rescue her. It has all the outline of a generic action plot but the characters - both the reluctantly patriotic Jason and the increasingly ambiguous Claire - and a sharp, witty script help make Shadow Complex that little bit more interesting than the standard video game story.

It's not long before every-man Jason has mastered the all-American hero strut

Gameplay is a little bit different, too. It's based on classic side-scrolling shooters (Super Metroid, Castlevania and the like), but the environment is 3D. So, while you can only move in two dimensions, enemies can appear anywhere in a level. It's an interesting twist on a classic concept that Shadow Complex pulls off almost perfectly - aiming can be a little frustrating sometimes, but the auto-aim compensates for that most of the time - and having this fresh challenge is something that anyone who tries this game will surely appreciate.

Failing guns, there's always the opportunity to just kick people in the face

Something else you're bound to appreciate is just how good Shadow Complex looks. Graphics are superb and Shadow Complex could easily itself off as an early full-price 360 game, but the real surprise is how varied the environments are. Inside the huge underground complex there are caves, warehouses, bright white corridors from the Tantive IV and underground lakes and rivers, which makes exploring and even backtracking through the complex really engaging, as well as allowing for loads of different situations.

To get you through these increasingly tough situations is a selection of guns - you'll start off finding a simple pistol and end up brandishing a giant shotgun of the future - and some incredibly cool gadgets, which you'll start picking up fairly early on in the game. Starting with the jetpack, you'll gradually come across scuba gear, grappling hooks and - probably best of all - speed boots that let you smash the speed barrier and run up walls. The constant access to new items mean that, as well as giving you the excuse to go back through the map and solve old puzzles with your new found skills, combat is constantly given new dimensions; why take cover behind a box when you can thrust yourself into the air and shoot a live grenade in their mouth? Most importantly, however, is the simple torch that you start with. Aside from being used to illuminate dark caves and vents, it also shows hidden areas and how to access them - for example, if a vent cover glows orange then you can shoot your way through - which can result in all kinds of rewards if you're patient enough to pour over the entire complex.

Why yes, he is running on water. Why are you still reading?

The only niggling issue with Shadow Complex (besides the aiming) is the fairly rubbish bosses, all of which have a suitably impressive introduction that is match by their complete ineptness to create the kind of challenge that a boss fight should. Either they're entirely predictable - just find the incredibly obvious weak spot and spam grenades until it blows up - or it's just ridiculously easy. There are even some bosses that can be killed while they're off screen, just by back-pedalling until they're out of sight and then shooting in their general direction. Maybe it's because we're so used to games like this, or maybe it's because I'm soft and was only playing it on normal difficulty, but they just seemed far too easy and obvious. Still, this is just a niggling issue, and when the rest of Shadow Complex is as brilliant as it is you really shouldn't be put off by it.

All things considered, Shadow Complex is definitely worth your time. Fast paced, great looking and full of cool gadgets, for only 1200 Microsoft points you're getting one of the best games that's been released so far this year on the 360. See, told you I'd be saying the same as everyone else.

Film Review: G.I.: Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Now that Hollywood is running out of comic book characters for it's summer action blockbusters it's time for toys to take their place on the big screen, and following Transformer's box office success toy giants Hasbro have decided to give G.I.: Joe it's cinema debut in The Rise of Cobra. But with an all star cast including someone from an Amanda Bynes film, that pretty girl from the new Hugo Boss adverts and Marlon Wayans (I know, my heart sank when I found out he was in films as well), it wasn't looking particularly promising.

Things start off in 1641 - it just wouldn't be a proper toy franchise film without a hastily explained and completely irrelevant back story now, would it? - as the lead villain's great-great-great-great-granddad Klan McCullen is punished for selling weapons to both sides of a war. Then time accelerates a few hundred years to the near future where the nefarious James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston, the only face you'll recognise during the film which isn't just a five second cameo) is developing weapons of his own, while simultaneously planning to take over the world. As you do.

These weapons end up in the hands of the incredibly responsible US Military, led by All-American hero Duke (who is unintentionally referred to as "Dook" throughout the film, which is mildly hilarious) and his allegedly comic relief sidekick Ripcord. It's not long before they're ambushed by McCullen's Cobra soldiers, led by Sienna Miller in skin-tight black leather (I can hear you booking the tickets already), who try to steal the weapons back (which just makes you wonder why they sold the weapons in the first place) and it's not long before they're ambushed by G.I.: Joe (who isn't just one G.I called Joe, but a whole bunch of people collectively known as "Joes". I'm confused too). After the Joes have routed Cobra with their superior CGI they whisk Dook and Ripcord to their super secret base where they're recruited into the elite team.

That's about twenty minutes of the film and you can probably guess where it goes from there - Cobra get weapons again, shit hits fan, Joes save day, Dook gets girl, credits roll, The End - but since this is an action blockbuster based on an action figure it's probably a bit harsh to slate it for being predictable. But it isn't too harsh to slate it for all the pointless back story it ham-handedly tries to weave in inbetween all the CGI explosions and black leather. Having one back story - like the one explaining Doctor Who's motivation for world domination - is forgiveable, but there's one for every other character. As if we need an explanation for why the black ninja doesn't like the white ninja. They're different colours, we just fucking accept it.

There is a bunch of other stuff wrong with G.I.: Joe but it's not as if I need to spell it out for you, just think of pretty much anything that could be wrong with an action blockbuster and the chances are that it'll be wrong with G.I.: Joe. But there's always the slightest hint that everything it does is a little tongue-in-cheek, as if director Stephen Sommers knew that turning G.I.: Joe into a decent action flick was next to impossible so decided to screw it up completely for poops and giggles, giving G.I.:Joe a distinct Team America feel. It even goes as far as to replicate the opening scene, where the good guys inadvertently destroy most of Paris before bewilderedly questioning why everyone is so annoyed at them. It's a shame they couldn't include the sing-a-long about AIDs, though.

I suppose how much you enjoy G.I.: Joe: The Rise of Cobra will depend on how you watch it. As a stock action film it's mildly entertaining, and as a completely piss-take it's slightly genius. Just don't try watching it from a discerning, critical perspective because then, obviously, it's absolute rubbish. But people with discerning, critical perspectives shouldn't watch films like G.I.: Joe anyway.


...


AND NOW YOU KNOW

AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE

GEEEEE AAAAAAYEEEEEE JOOOOOOOOOOOE

TV Review: You Have Been Watching

Charlie Brooker, the cynical and seemingly sociopathic mind behind BBC4's excellent Screenwipe, has gone all mainstream in his latest television foray on, er, television with new Channel 4 quiz show 'You Have Been Watching' - where Brooker quizzes three guests on recent weeks television to test their knowledge, creativity and punch lines. Half way into the series' eight week run, how is Brooker coping under the heat of the studio lights?

You Have Been Watching seemed to have a winning formula. Brooker quizzing various comedians (and, for some bizarre yet obligatory reason, Jamelia) were amusing enough, while his own Screenwipe-esque segments were still as funny as they were when it was just him sitting alone in a darkened room (even if there were fewer words bleeped out). But for some reason, which has become increasingly obvious as the series has dragged on, this doesn't quite seem to work.

One reasons for this could be the guests, who all seem a little mismatched. Obviously the inclusion of Jamelia in the opening episode was a little odd, but even the likes of Frankie Boyle and Reece Shearsmith - people with the kind of dark humour that you'd think would match up well with the likes of Brooker - somehow feel out of place and awkward with each other and the host, almost as if they're worried about being too funny in case they accidentally upstage Brooker and he bites off their heads in retaliation. Which is a completely unfounded fear, as his neck isn't nearly long enough to reach the far end of the set.

But the main problem seems to be Brooker himself who has become increasingly awkward with both the audience and the guests as the series has gone on, and seems unable to develop any kind of rapport with either. This was most obvious during the third episode; while Brooker jokingly berated the three guests they sat gawping in confusion, like school students being yelled at by a new substitute teacher, with the whole thing followed by hesitant applause from an audience who were clearly so dumbfounded by the speech they'd forgotten to read the big red "applause" sign dangling from the studio rafters. Maybe that's the point, maybe Brooker - a man who who often referred to himself as misanthropic - is maintaining an awkward atmosphere as a private joke between him and the producers. It's just a shame nobody else gets to laugh.

That said, You Have Been Watching is still good for a few laughs, just not quite as many as you'd have expected after watching the likes of Screen and Newswipe. What made those shows funny is still there, it just lacks the harsh, brash language that made them both so much more entertaining. As for his newly chosen format, so far it's unconvincing. The guests and flashy set just get in the way of what everyone actually wants to see; Brooker sitting alone in a darkened room vocalising his hatred and making jokes about bums. Maybe I'll dig out a couple of old Screenwipe episodes tomorrow night instead.

You Have Been Watching is on at 10pm, Tuesdays nights on Channel 4.