The gist of it (because any expansion on a gist would probably make both our heads hurt) is that Bayonetta is a witch, who spends her life killing angels to stop them dragging her down to hell. That’s all you need to know really. There’s a never-realised romantic sub-plot in there somewhere and something vague happened 500 years ago which apparently explains everything, but all that generally takes a back seat to inverse smiting. Which is fine, because that’s bloody good fun.
Bayonetta’s combat is, like most good games, easy to grasp but harder to master. It’s simple really; X shoots, Y punches, B kicks, and you string these together for damaging combos. It’s highly accessible; anybody could pick up a pad and immediately start beating the hell (heaven?) out of a few angels, and look fairly stylish while they’re at it. But then there’s that extra level of depth for more hardcore hack-and-slashers: last-minute dodges that slow down time, obscenely brutal torture attacks and a wide variety of weapons (including trombones and a snake whip) that can make Bayonetta a diverse, blisteringly paced and beautifully stylish experience that – at least until God Of War 3 comes out later this year – is unparalleled on the current generation.
As usual with this sort of game, there are regular boss fights throughout Bayonetta. They’re suitably challenging without completely spiking the difficulty curve, which is great, but more importantly they’re some of the weirdest bosses ever conceived. I mean, the first one is a giant, flying upside-down cherub face with dragons for ears. How could you not have fun killing that? After each boss you’re treated to a visually stunning “Climax” (did I mention the shameless sexual overtones? Only the Japanese), where Bayonetta’s hair (seriously) passes through the dimensions and becomes all kinds of giant creatures, fists, or whatever to finish off the enemy. Sure, it doesn’t really make any sense, but it’s so visually satisfying you probably won’t care. The only slight downside is that you will end up fighting the same bosses a few times, although these appear as toned-down versions to gradually raise the difficulty curve before tougher bosses later in the game, so their cameos are forgiveable.
Yes, that is a giant gargoyle face with a massive tongue tipped with a smiling, crowned cherub. Yes, it does have massive tentacles. I'll have one of what Hideki Kamiya is having, please.
Just in case there was any chance that the combat could become tedious (yeah right) Bayonetta spices things up the with a couple of phenomenally fast, arcade-y vehicle sections, which put you on the back of motorbikes and, er, a missile, as well as a mini-game between missions where you shoot enemies for extra points. These sections really help mix up the gameplay, making Bayonetta a surprisingly diverse and a constantly fun experience that is impossible to get bored of during the first playthrough.
The gameplay will probably draw all the expected comparisons; Devil May Cry, God of War, Ninja Gaiden and the like. But it’s the environments the separates Bayonetta from these games, giving the combat and platforming an entire new dimension that relentlessly buggers your perception – think Mario Galaxy, but with a super-powered receptionist in spandex. Running along walls to escape a lava flow, following a winding path that ends up with you standing up-side down, a hundred feet in the air facing the ground where you were just fighting, and jumping across giant chasms onto a revolving island are just a couple of examples of how Bayonetta plays with the dimensions, and it’s this completely different perspective that raises it above other games of its type.
And now she's running up a wall, dodging falling rocks while killing various flying things. There isn't much they haven't thought of, is there?
So Bayonetta, while making absolutely no sense whatsoever, is an absolutely superb game, raising the bar for all games of its type with its awesome, fluid combat and stunning worlds, and is probably as close to perfect as these games have ever come, experimenting with concepts and making them work so well with proven excellent gameplay. And with the ending leaving things open for a sequel, hopefully it’ll be around again in a few years as another incredible example of the hack-and-slash sub-genre. Frankly, it’s a must-rent for anyone who has ever enjoyed a hack-and-slasher. Chances are it’ll blow you away.
10/10
If you're still not convinced, the game ends with you kicking God across the solar system into the sun, then shooting up it's charred corpse. Best. Ending. Ever.
Reviews coming soon:
Glee (Series Review)
Being Human (Series Review)
Dark Void
Mass Effect 2