The latest in the deservedly popular Twilight Saga, New Moon, is a masterpiece of film-making, a near-perfect story of tumultuous young love that is brimming with sparkling special effects, incredible performances that exceed the young cast's fame, and subtle yet evocative symbolism, the likes of which we have not been treated to since Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. At least that's how most of the teenage girl population will see it, anyway. Anyone else unfortunate enough to be swept up by the phenomenal hype that has surrounded the latest entry in the Twilight Series' (I refuse to seriously call it “Saga” as that is synonymous with “Epic”) will likely be underwhelmed.New Moon picks up where the first Twilight film left off with Bella and Edward (Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, as if you didn't already know) enjoying their respective lives and after-lives as the high school's awkward couple. It's all going relatively well, considering Edward's overpowering desire to eat her, until Bella gets a paper cut in a room full of blood-starved vampires. The youngest, Jasper, goes mental, lunging for Bella like a rabid dog that's just caught the whiff of a Pepperami, forcing Edward to leap to the rescue. Which he does in the most chivalrous of ways: by pushing Jasper into a piano and throwing Bella several feet into a wall. I can see how he makes girls swoon.
The experience sees a guilty Edward leave town, insisting he never belonged with Bella. Naturally, Bella responds by curling up like an angsty foetus, screaming herself to sleep and sitting in a chair for absolutely ages before she falls into the ridiculously huge arms of Jacob Black (he's a werewolf, by the way). And so the love triangle is born.
Then stuff just seems to stop happening. Oh sure, there are bits where Bella goes a bit suicidal or where Jacob goes all furry and eats that one black vampire from the last film, but it all feels like irrelevant filler between Edward leaving and Bella chasing him. Without Bella and Edward being together there isn't any point in the story because their love is the story; which I'm sure is something the writers are thrilled they managed to get across, but with Edward absent for most of the film that's a good hour and a bit where New Moon just drags on and on, with nothing really interesting really happening besides Jacob Black getting his kit off for no obvious reason. Not that many people in the cinema were complaining, mind.
But the big problem with New Moon isn't that nothing relevant happens for most of the film. It's Bella Swan, probably one of the most infuriatingly weak lead characters in the history of... pretty much everything. There's absolutely nothing endearing about her whatsoever - she's not funny, she's so absorbed in her own angst that she seems totally uncaring unless it's for something that will probably eat her, and she's got an annoying habit of screaming at the top of her lungs when said flesh-eating man beast isn't there to hold her hand. It doesn't help that Kristen Stewart is as utterly talentless as she is, failing to deliver even a half convincing line for the entire 130 minutes.
The love interests aren't much better. Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black stumbles through his lines like he's been caught in a foothold trap, while Robert Pattinson's undead dreamboat Edward Cullen is as bland as ever, although to be fair it's difficult to determine whether that's just the character or whether Pattinson is just a bit rubbish. At least if it's the latter his new forced moniker is appropriate. R Patzzzzzzzzzz.
Fortunately, New Moon’s supporting cast are every bit as good as the leads are bland and wrapped up in their own self-loathing. Ashley Greene is quirky and cheeky as the pint-sized Alice Cullen, ranking as the only likable character who doesn’t want to kill Bella. Then the slightly less friendly Volturi, an order of more conventional vampires led by the wonderfully camp and evil mind of Aro (Michael Sheen), steal the film in during their brief appearance.
While the Volturi may steal the show, they aren’t around long enough to save it. New Moon is a tedious, bland and altogether irrelevant chapter in the series that lacks any real focus until the dying moments. No question about this: avoid. It’s not worth the time or money regardless of how into the series you are. Just skip this one altogether and catch up on the awkward romance next year.
One plus for director Chris Weitz though: New Moon is probably little better than the Golden Compass was. Although saying that is kind of like handing Gillian McKeith a freshly-filled tuppaware tub and pointing out that it’s floating a little bit more than the last one you gave her.
