Game Review: Wolfenstein

It's been an eight year wait but the Wolfenstein series, one of the grand-daddies of first-person shooters, has finally made it's way into this generation. Known simply as Wolfenstein, can the latest instalment in the veteran series re-establish itself in an increasingly huge market of first-person shooters?

Things don't start off promising as we find the protagonist, B.J Blazkowicz (I wish I was kidding), disguised on board a Nazi U-boat off the coast of jolly old Blighty. However, it's not long (maybe ten seconds into the cutscene) before our all-American hero abandons all subtlety and, after a daring attempted escape, finds himself cornered by the crew. But, just as they're about to fire, a mysterious blue light emanates around B.J, shielding him from an onslaught of bullets before disintegrating his surrounding enemies. When his bosses realise that the strange light came from a medallion linked to Isenstadt, a German town that has recently become occupied by Nazi cultists, B.J is sent undercover to investigate the goings-on, and then put a stop to it.

As you can tell based on that opening cutscene (a lot of which should have been playable, instead of leaving you sat there completely bewildered for about five minutes), Wolfenstein boasts one of the most hilariously contrived plots in video game history. There are some brilliantly bad moments dotted around the cutscenes - like a heavily accented Russian man with a Stalin 'tasche and an eye-patch standing in a pub full of snarling Nazis warning B.J not to "blow our cover", or how everyone in Isenstadt seems to know the apparently undercover protagonist by his full name - that come around without even the slightest hint of irony. It's so horrifically, shamefully bad that it's almost good. Except it isn't really. It's just rubbish.

It doesn't get much better while you're playing Wolfenstein. Most of the single player is spent wandering around Isenstadt, a sort of psuedo-free-roaming environment that pretends to encourage exploration (loading screens will be full of "Search every corner of Isenstadt for gold and intel") but punishes you for doing so by respawning enemies every time you walk round a corner. By the time you've fought your way through, picked up the minimal gold that was lying around and gotten to the market to spend it, you'd need to spend about a quarter of it on ammo for your weapons anyway! Still, maybe this is a blessing in disguise, since the weapon upgrades are mostly useless (more on that in a minute) and the story isn't nearly interesting enough to make any intel worth reading. That, and exploring Isenstadt is probably the most depressing thing in the world. Every street being a dreary mixture of grey and brown, and with Wolfenstein's graphics looking so dated it's probably one of the ugliest games that's been released for a while.

The missions are a little better, since unlike the areas in Isenstadt they have some purpose and direction. It goes without saying that they're a little generic - this series helped define generic back in the 90's - but they're well paced, and grant you access to all kinds of new powers and equipment.

There's a good variety of weapons to choose from in Wolfenstein. As well as the obligatory weapons that appear in every WW2 themed game (MP40, Panzerschrek, etc) there are a couple of fancy, futuristic weapons, such as the particle cannon. Mixing these very different weapons together works very well; not so much because it adds variety, but because storming round an underground Nazi fortress firing a huge disintegrating beam into anyone that so much as mutters "Achtung" is a hell of a lot of fun. At least until you run out of ammo. The only irritating thing about the weapons was swapping between them, since with a PS3 controller you're never quite sure how much pressure to apply to the R2 button, so a lot of the time it either doesn't swap at all or it brings up the full weapon menu instead of instantly swapping between two weapons, which can be a real pain in the middle of a fire fight.

You'll also have powers, accessed through the aforementioned medallion. The three main powers allow you to control time, deal extra damage and create a personal shield, and can be used to quickly get you out of any tough situations you find yourself in. The other, more basic power, which lets you see the world through an alternate dimension (I honest to God cannot believe I'm writing some of this stuff with my tongue out of my cheek), showing you any secret passages, enemy weak points, and areas where you can recharge your medallion. It's a decent extra but most of the time it's fairly pointless. You'll use it but only because it's there, not because it ever feels particularly necessary to overcome difficult obstacles.

The same can be said for the upgrades system. As I said earlier, you can spend any gold you find lying around on upgrades for your weapons and powers, although in my experience with Wolfenstein it turned out to be pretty frivolous. Since the bigger weapons and later powers are so expensive to upgrade, I just ended up ploughing all my money into the sniper rifle and time control power, and coasted through the game near enough effortlessly with just that one weapon and power, and didn't feel the need to use the otherwise awesome futuristic weapons.

So then, Wolfenstein is ugly, contrived, dated, stupid, clunky, rarely challenging, and the protagonist is named after fellatio. In short, pretty damn bad. It's not as if there are no saving graces - I'm going to bring up that particle gun again - but they don't do much to make up for everything that Wolfenstein does so clumsily. Still, it's not without purpose. Maybe, in twenty years time, developers looking to bring back Halo or Bioshock will look at Wolfenstein and go "Actually, no". Unless they're spearheaded by Activision, of course.

Acorah to inspire Ghost re-envisioning.

Medium Derek Acorah is all set to inspire a remake of hit 1990 movie ghost, following the death of original star Patrick Swayze yesterday.

Acorah, who made a name for himself as a medium working alongside shrieking blonde Yvette Fielding on Living TV's Most Haunted, has stated his interest in recreating the classic romantic flick, which starred Patrick Swayze as a ghost alongside co-star Demi Moore.

“I've already heard from my spirit guide that Swayze's spirit has returned to his home, so we've already got one big name on location” claimed the veteran bullshitter. “If we could just drag Demi from canoodling her adopted son for a couple of minutes we'd be mostly set”.

Acorah did note that a problem with filming scenes with Swayze could be visibility. “It is true that most ghosts are ethereal, making them very difficult to spot for most people” he confessed, “but if you really visualise the ghost, you'll see it. Think of it like the Emperor's new clothes, but I'm honestly not pulling a fast one.”

“If test audiences still struggle, we'll get one of the guys to put in a floating dot that hovers around Demi's erect nipples, or something like that.”

Reports in Hollywood claim that Fox are already in the advanced stages of negotiating a film deal with Acorah and his spirit guide.

Morning all.

Since someone's alarm went off at seven-bloody-AM on a Saturday, I figured I'd quickly write something up while the beast is still asleep next door.

I ended up getting Wolfenstein, and hopefully I'll have a review done for that by the end of next week. First impressions are that it's, well, poor. Really, really poor. I'd elaborate, but then I'd risk accidentally using a metaphor that I'd have rather used in the full review and then kicking myself for a good thirty minutes trying to thing of a new one. Just be safe in the knowledge that it features Nazis, occult artifacts and a huge chinned protagonist. See, now I don't even need to elaborate.

In other news, apparently it was the Dreamcast's tenth birthday the other day, which is nice. Having never owned a Dreamcast or even played one, I'm not exactly mourning it's short lived existence, but some of the write ups and interviews about it's downfall are fairly interesting, if not a little sensationalist and bum-licking. They're worth checking out, if you've got a few minutes going spare.

Anyway, I'm off to make a bacon sandwich so that when I do wake the missus, she'll have something to bit other than my head...off. That didn't work quite as well as I wanted it to.

I've decided that it's about time I got back into the routine I had started...wait, this sounds familiar.

You've probably noticed that I've not been doing much around here recently, apart from the odd review going up every couple of months before I crawled back into my proverbial hole. There are a couple of good reasons for this, or at least I'd like to pretend they're good reasons. My girlfriend has moved in (more on that at a later date), I've been on holiday, and somehow I've ended up with three dogs; officially qualifying me and anyone who enters my house as a weird dog person. So naturally I didn't have as much time on my hands as I used to back when I was churning out two reviews a week.

But, now that everything has settled down a bit, I've got a little bit more time and I should be able to get properly stuck into writing again. Unfortunately, since I'm saving up to move out, it's not going to be a case of two game or film reviews a week since I just don't think I can afford it at the moment. I'll be looking into more free stuff – regular blogging, TV reviews, satirical news and such like – just so that I can keep getting practice in. Not sure how interesting I'll be able to make blogging, mind - the most interesting thing that has happened to me in the last couple of days was when I rearranged all the pins on the notice boards at work into a hexagon, so I could find out what I'd look like to a golden spider who'd lost his glasses (as it turns out, gold and blurry) – but maybe I could throw a couple of cock jokes in there and make it all worthwhile.

Anyway! Plans for reviews this month are pretty straightforward. I'm renting two games today, one of them will be Motorstorm: Pacific Rift for my swanky new Playstation 3 (now you know why I can afford two reviews a week), and the other will be either Wolfenstein or Batman: Arkham Asylum, depending on what they've got in stock. Following that there should be a review of the Red Faction: Guerilla DLC, and then (predictably) Halo 3: ODST. I might even try and squeeze District 9 in there somewhere as well, even if I have to go on my lonesome.

You can expect an update round here every two or three days now, so if you're interested (or, more likely, seriously bored) you should keep checking up on this place.

See you around!

Game Review: Shadow Complex

It's not often that an Xbox Live Arcade title grabs the gaming world's attention in the same way that Shadow Complex has. Not only has it broken records on the Live Arcade for most downloads in an opening week, but it's been picking up critical acclaim from just about every major games site there is. Frankly, if that hasn't convinced you yet, then why you're reading the opinion of a no-name amateur with sub-par grammar is beyond me - especially since I'm probably just going to end up echoing everything they've said anyway.

Shadow Complex begins with Jason Flemming (voiced by Nolan North, who seems to be an obligatory inclusion in pretty much any video game these days) and his girlfriend Claire spontaneously exploring some caverns while on a backpacking trip, when they accidentally stumble upon a huge underground military complex. When Claire is captured, Jason is forced to put his convenient military training to use in order to infiltrate the base and rescue her. It has all the outline of a generic action plot but the characters - both the reluctantly patriotic Jason and the increasingly ambiguous Claire - and a sharp, witty script help make Shadow Complex that little bit more interesting than the standard video game story.

It's not long before every-man Jason has mastered the all-American hero strut

Gameplay is a little bit different, too. It's based on classic side-scrolling shooters (Super Metroid, Castlevania and the like), but the environment is 3D. So, while you can only move in two dimensions, enemies can appear anywhere in a level. It's an interesting twist on a classic concept that Shadow Complex pulls off almost perfectly - aiming can be a little frustrating sometimes, but the auto-aim compensates for that most of the time - and having this fresh challenge is something that anyone who tries this game will surely appreciate.

Failing guns, there's always the opportunity to just kick people in the face

Something else you're bound to appreciate is just how good Shadow Complex looks. Graphics are superb and Shadow Complex could easily itself off as an early full-price 360 game, but the real surprise is how varied the environments are. Inside the huge underground complex there are caves, warehouses, bright white corridors from the Tantive IV and underground lakes and rivers, which makes exploring and even backtracking through the complex really engaging, as well as allowing for loads of different situations.

To get you through these increasingly tough situations is a selection of guns - you'll start off finding a simple pistol and end up brandishing a giant shotgun of the future - and some incredibly cool gadgets, which you'll start picking up fairly early on in the game. Starting with the jetpack, you'll gradually come across scuba gear, grappling hooks and - probably best of all - speed boots that let you smash the speed barrier and run up walls. The constant access to new items mean that, as well as giving you the excuse to go back through the map and solve old puzzles with your new found skills, combat is constantly given new dimensions; why take cover behind a box when you can thrust yourself into the air and shoot a live grenade in their mouth? Most importantly, however, is the simple torch that you start with. Aside from being used to illuminate dark caves and vents, it also shows hidden areas and how to access them - for example, if a vent cover glows orange then you can shoot your way through - which can result in all kinds of rewards if you're patient enough to pour over the entire complex.

Why yes, he is running on water. Why are you still reading?

The only niggling issue with Shadow Complex (besides the aiming) is the fairly rubbish bosses, all of which have a suitably impressive introduction that is match by their complete ineptness to create the kind of challenge that a boss fight should. Either they're entirely predictable - just find the incredibly obvious weak spot and spam grenades until it blows up - or it's just ridiculously easy. There are even some bosses that can be killed while they're off screen, just by back-pedalling until they're out of sight and then shooting in their general direction. Maybe it's because we're so used to games like this, or maybe it's because I'm soft and was only playing it on normal difficulty, but they just seemed far too easy and obvious. Still, this is just a niggling issue, and when the rest of Shadow Complex is as brilliant as it is you really shouldn't be put off by it.

All things considered, Shadow Complex is definitely worth your time. Fast paced, great looking and full of cool gadgets, for only 1200 Microsoft points you're getting one of the best games that's been released so far this year on the 360. See, told you I'd be saying the same as everyone else.