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Film Review: TTS: Eclipse

2010-07-30T02:50:00.000-07:00

Following on from the spectacular non-event that was New Moon – which, as far as I can remember, just featured Kristen Stewert sobbing in the corner for a couple of hours while Taylor Lautner injected his biceps with minced beef crying “Do you love me now” – the latest instalment in the bafflingly popular Twilight series, Eclipse, reared its chiselled, sparkling and forever sulking head in cinemas a few weeks ago, and with me having this weird, almost masochistic urge to toddle along and sit through two hours of this emotionally undead (geddit?) garbage every time it comes out, I just had to get in on the fun.

It’s some time after the “surprise” proposal ending of New Moon – at least I’m assuming it was a surprise ending because of the way the girls sitting in front of me gasped, but it’s just as possible they’d spent the film building up to a climax and the close up of Robert Pattinson tipped them over the edge – and everything is pretty much where we left it. Bella and Edward aren’t married, since Bella won’t marry a vampire (common sense prevails?) until he turns her into a vampire (maybe not then), but that hasn’t stopped Edward popping the question over and over again, although fortunately he stops just short of a full-on Mrs Doyle impersonation. Jacob is still hanging around too, probably shirtless, and is still a bit miffed about whatever happened in the last film. So the whole love story thing hasn’t gotten any more interesting than it already wasn’t, but at least now there’s a decent sub-plot with some real vampires kicking off down the road.

One of the underdeveloped “proper” vampires Victoria (the ginger one from the first film), and she’s got a bit of a grudge against Bella; their respective vampire boyfriends had a bit of a scrap and Victoria’s ended up a bit dead. So, after spending the last film plotting somewhere, she’s now building an army of unborn vampires to help get her revenge. Which almost sounds cool, but as it turns out there are six children in the army and they’re led by someone called Riley who looks like he fell out of a failed boy band. Still, as non-threatening as the army is, they do help drive Eclipse forward at a decent pace, something that New Moon totally lacked.

With the vampiric Mickey Mouse Club fast approaching, the Forks vampire and werewolf clans are forced to come together to protect Bella. Given the long, bloody history between them you’d be forgiven for expecting a tense couple of scenes, but everything is a bit unintentionally hilarious. The Cullen clan are quite camp at the best of times, so when one of them starts strutting around in front of the bemused looking werewolves pretending to be a drill instructor it’s a little difficult to keep a straight face. On the plus side the resulting action sequences aren’t half bad; they are a bit too much like those ridiculously homo-erotic Olympic events where men is testes-smothering leotards flip around on a mat, but there’s a surprisingly satisfying amount of neck snapping going on. So there’s half a thumbs-up for that.

Probably the most interesting part of Eclipse, though, doesn’t really have anything to do with the actual plot, or either of the other films’ plots for that matter. Until now the focus has very much been on Bella, Edward and occasionally Jacob, none of whom are particularly deep, complicated or even interesting characters, so it’s a refreshing change when some of the minor characters grasp the limelight for a couple of minutes and reveal their much darker pasts. There’s not always much relevance in it – one of Edwards sisters barely has a line for most of the film but still gets a few minutes of flashbacks detailing how she killed some guy once – but it gives some of the characters a depth that so far the series has been without.

It’s a shame, then, that these characters are inevitably pushed to the side when Bella swans (ba dum) her way onto the screen with Edward and Jacob in tow. In fairness they do seem to have developed a little more personality since the last romantic tug-of-war and even go as far as to force a smile and crack a joke every now and then, but for the most part they’re still painfully dull characters, which is only emphasised by Stewert, Pattinson and Lautner’s perpetually uninterested performances. But I guess it’s not all bad; Taylor clearly hasn’t let up on the fitness regime in-between filming. You’d have to be as flaccid as boiled celery not to feel a little twinge in your drawers when you look at him, from the neck down at least.

All things considered Eclipse, while still lumped with the same flaws of the previous films, is still the high point of the series so far. The action scenes are rather stylish, there’s a willing self-mocking that I’ve carefully avoided mentioning because it’s not possible to poke fun at, and the pacing is, er, existent. Whether it actually qualifies as a half decent film is still debatable; unless you’re a thirteen year old girl in that weird transitional phase where you’ve started playing horsey on the arm of the living room sofa. Then it’s awesome.

2/5: The best instalment so far, but the series’ flaws show no signs of fading. There’s a glimmer of promise in the Twilight universe, but so long as it’s overshadowed by the eternally predictable romantic mush that’s all it will ever be.

Can someone buy the flabby members of the Wolf Pack shirts of the next film? Or at very least give them some Creatine. Their appearance next to Taylor makes me feel genuinely sad for them.

Film Review: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

2010-05-30T23:57:00.000-07:00

Over the summer we often have a couple of games based on cinema’s mega blockbusters, and more often than not these turn out... well... not particularly well. Nine times out of ten they’re lame cash-ins by unsuccessful branches of big developers who are trying to prove they’re still worth something. Now Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (loosely based on the 2003 video game) has gone the other way and has - despite having a decent director, producer and cast - turned out in a similarly lame way.

The Prince of Persia in question is a weirdly British street urchin who is adopted by the king of Persia for throwing an apple at a guards head and running away. Fast forward some twenty years and he’s become the weirdly British Prince Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal) who, during a not-really-epic battle in the sacred city of Alamut, comes across the Dagger of Time. Various events unfold – the big one being that Dastan is framed for his father’s murder – and he ends up on the run with the Princess of Alamut, Tamina (Gemma Arteton), where he accidentally triggers the dagger’s magical, time-reversing power. A few more things happen (there’s an unnecessary trip to the ostrich races and a funny (annoying) man in a turban complains about taxes) and, after the bad guy is “revealed” as Dastan’s nefarious-looking Uncle Nizam (Ben Kingsley), he decides to help Tamina take the dagger back to where it belongs; although not without some more unnecessary stuff padding out the story in-between.

It’s this superfluous padding out that brings Prince of Persia down; the core story is simple enough, as a summer blockbuster should be, but too many sub-plots and minor characters are brought in and they just get in the way. Because of this the relationship between the leads, Dastan and Tamina, never gets properly fleshed out, and Dastan’s relationship with his brothers is barely even touched on. Really, the only relationship that seems to have any depth is the one between the man in a turban and someone who follows him around throwing knives; and chances are you won’t remember their names ten minutes after the film has ended.

Still, maybe that’s a bit of a blessing in disguise, because what little we do see of the Prince beyond his running, jumping, flipping and sword-swinging talents suggests that he ticks every irritating Disney-hero box possible without bursting into song every fifteen minutes. Almost every utterance is dripping with cringe-worthy smarm. Even when one of the characters dies and he’s confronted by someone grieving their loss by asking him if they’d told him the recently deceased’s story, he bluntly replies “Yes, you have” and walks away. He’s utterly unlikable and Gyllenhaaal’s lazy performance, which is essentially him strutting and smirking in-between dispensing his smug one-liners (complete with a grating British accent throughout), doesn’t help matters.

Although it’s probably unfair to merely highlight Gyllenhaaaal’s character and performance because, in truth, very few of the characters stand out. Arteton occasionally tries with Tamina and sometimes there is a genuine spunk about her, but this is inconsistent with the typical damsel-in-distress role she usually ends up playing when some big nasty men show up. She looks quite nice, though. Dastan’s princely brothers have an annoying habit of swapping sides every half an hour without any obvious reason and they’re performed with the same dodgy accents that Gyllenhaaaaal adopted, and Ben Kingsley’s Nizam just seems a little bored. The only character that actually seems to be enjoying himself is Alfred Molina’s Sheik Amar (the aforementioned man in a turban), and so most of the films humour does end up coming from him – although for the most part it’s a slightly weird, perhaps more adult humour (there’s a strong suggestion that he has sex with an ostrich) that will go over the head of most of the 12A/PG-13 audience.

Since the humour is maybe a little misjudged and none of the characters are particularly fun or likable, Prince of Persia’s action had to compensate – which it does, if only a little. The few free-running sequences are suitably slick and stylishly filmed (there’s a rather smart, video-game inspired angle to some of the shots that should press the right buttons with the game’s fans) and the fight sequences, though a little uninspired, are similarly well done. But everything is littered with pointless and jagged slow-motion that is laughably bad, that makes what is otherwise quite a good-looking film seem cheap and lazy.

All things considered, then, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time doesn’t do much right. The story takes needless detours all over the place, the characters are hard to like and, subsequently, care about, and perfectly good action scenes are spoiled with over-used and stuttering slow-motion effects. Sure, there are some fairly cool camera angles every now and then, but that’s all that sets Prince of Persia apart from the most mediocre of summer blockbusters.

2/5: Although there are brief flashes of style, this is a poorly-written mess of a film that further hinders itself with over-use of poor slow-motion effects.

Still, it could have been worse. There could have been a hilariously unsubtle metaphor for the Gulf War in the first fifteen minutes. Oh.

Blowing away the dust

2010-04-07T00:51:00.000-07:00

No, come back, I've got a decent reason this time!

I finally moved out with the missus in February (a couple of days after the ME2 review was posted) and in the last two months it's been pretty difficult to get down to writing anything; we've only got one laptop and no real workspace, unless a fairly small and cluttered coffee table counts.

But in two weeks (my birthday ^_^ all presents to 61 Coode House Millsands, thank you) I should be able to get the office completely sorted - I'm getting a wireless card and an office chair for my birthday. A really comfy one, with a high back and leather. God I feel old.

Unfortunately, I'm not paying for rent, tax, food, phone, internet (sort of), TV liscence and bills on top of that, to the tune of many many pounds a month, so I can't afford to do nearly as many game or film reviews as I used to. You know, about a year ago when people still read this. I'll still do a couple a month, depending on what's out, but I suspect this place will end up being crowded out by TV reviews, because they're sort-of free.

Anyway, I've got a couple planned. Both Glee and Skins have finished recently, so series reviews of them are probably in order (I wonder how many synonynms I can find for "inconsistent"), and I've recently picked up the new Pokemon games so they'll be due a ball-licking. And I keep meaning to watch that Creek thing on iPlayer, so that'll get done if I can force myself to stay up past midnight and stream it without worrying about bandwidth usage (being grown up sucks, yo).

So that's pretty much it, another long-winded post to tell you that I'm back now. Possibly. You never know, I'm a bit fickle.

Game Review: Mass Effect 2

2010-02-13T13:11:00.000-08:00

Following on from the massively (although perhaps not entirely deservedly) successful Mass Effect, Bioware's latest RPG epic Mass Effect 2 hit the shelves just over a week ago; only to start another debate about whether or not it was too early to start handing out Game Of The Year ribbons. It probably is - let's not forget there's Final Fantasy XIII just over the horizon - but with it's hugely improved combat, awesome scale and superb story-telling, Mass Effect 2 will be a genuine contender for any Game Of The Year awards.

You'll reprise the role of Commander Shepard (you can port him straight from saves of the first game, if they're still lingering at the back of your hard drive) who, after a rather good opening cutscene, promptly dies, only to be brought back by the pro-human Cerberus organisation (a smart way of keeping continuity despite the skills overhaul). It's then off into the big wide Milky Way to investigate why human colonies are mysteriously disappearing and discover another ancient, hidden threat to the galaxy, all the while building a team of soldiers, researchers and a couple of psychopaths to stand with you in the final, suicidal mission. On paper, then, it doesn't look much different to the first Mass Effect, but Bioware have done just about everything possible to make Mass Effect 2 bigger and better in every aspect.

Now you'll be taking orders from the "Illusive Man", voiced by Martin Sheen. Martin flipping Sheen. It's almost worth a GOTY nomination just because of him.

Back in the first Mass Effect the galaxy we were given to explore was a let down almost as colossal as the game's ambition; it turned out to have precious few planets we could interact with - all but three being practically identical - and reams and reams of text containing the imaginary facts and history of imaginary planets and solar systems, which undermined the supposed "epic scale" that Bioware had promised. This time round, though, the galaxy's scale feels genuinely huge; there are more solar systems to explore with new space stations and cities (before there was only the Citadel), each planet you can travel to looks and feels different to the others, and the planets you can't land on can still be scanned for materials - which can be used to research upgrades - or signals that lead to hidden missions. It's just awesome, the perfect staging ground for any RPG epic, where you can spend hours exploring and barely scratch the surface.

The role-playing itself hasn't seen significant a change, but it has been refined. There are still the same starting classes - Soldier, Adept, Engineer and everything in-between - but there are now fewer starting skills per class (six instead of eight), including a unique, class-specific skill (for example; the Infiltrator can now become invisible). It almost sounds like a step backwards, but each skill now has two branches - let's say you want to level up an enhanced ammo power; you can either choose the branch that allows your entire party to use enhanced weapons, or just have significantly more powerful ammo for a single character. With this system you can build your character and the other party members in specific ways, so that you can not only bring the ideal team to every mission. Plus it helps create brilliant replay value.

Why isn't this slimming version available in Dragon Age?

As with other RPGs, you'll gain experience and level up by completing missions, and Mass Effect 2's are just excellent. It would have been easy, with the huge galactic scope, for some of the missions in Mass Effect 2 to fade into the background, and feel like little more than mini-excursions for easy cash and quick experience - that's certainly how it was in the first game - but now that just isn't the case. Almost every mission takes you somewhere different, whether it's simply another part of a space station or a whole new world, giving Mass Effect 2 a diversity that most other RPGs just don't have. Thanks largely to flowing cutscenes and the fully-scripted conversations (pretty much every other RPG has you play as Silent Bob's sword-wielding cousin), every mission feels relevant, as if the decisions you make during it could have a proper impact in the galaxy that will come back to hug or haunt you in the next instalment. There's even a chance to go back and read messages from people you've helped in past missions, giving you a sense of personal involvement that is rarely accomplished in games.

But, Mass Effect 2's most improved aspect is the combat. While it's predecessor was let down by the terrible friendly and enemy AI and having to stop the game every five seconds to use abilities via a fiddly radial menu, Mass Effect 2 has none of those problems. The enemy AI is much more advanced; it will try and outflank you, spread out if you're using area effect powers, and even help power up enemies that are in a better position to take you down. Friendlies are much simpler to command - each of your active team is allocated a button on the directional-pad, just tap left or right and they'll move to cover, attack a target or use their power. There are even three hot-keys for your personal powers, which is probably all you'll need now that you only start with six skill trees. All this comes together with a decent, if not a little rudimentary, cover system to create a surprisingly good third-person shooter that is perfectly complimented by the role-playing element.

The new combat system means that playing with Biotics is much smoother. And infinitely more devastating.

The music is still superb and the graphics no longer suffer from the hideous texture pop of the first game, so all things considered there are very few downsides. But Mass Effect 2 isn't perfect; the story - while being one of the better-told video game stories - is still quite short for an RPG, possibly shorter than the first game was, which is a shame considering just how much they have to play with. Obviously with so much else to be getting on with it's not a massive issue - you'll easily be able to get a good 20+ hours out of it without diving in too deep - but it still feels rushed, and could have probably done with one or two more sub-plots to flesh things out that little bit more.

But don't let that nitpick put you off, because everything else about Mass Effect 2 is just fantastic. It's a prime example of great video-game storytelling with incredible scope, solid combat and huge replay potential. Game Of The Year? That remains to be seen, but it's definitely a worthy contender and an absolute must-play for sci-fi, shooter and RPG fans alike.

9/10

...the sex scene was better in the first game, though. We don't even see side-boob now. Bloody spoil sports.

Game Review: Dark Void

2010-02-02T09:01:00.000-08:00

We've been on the virtual front lines enough in the last few years to know what makes a good shooter and what makes a bad one, but it seems some developers are still struggling to figure it all out. Cue Capcom's latest failed experiment, Dark Void, a weird Gears Of War and Iron Man hybrid that somehow manages to do almost everything that's been done a thousand times totally wrong.

After being greeted by a half-dramatic title menu where a flying, steel Dark Void logo flies over what can only be described as a blue neon vagina, things kick off when pilot Will Grey (voiced by Nolan "One Voice For Every Hero" North) crashes his plane in the Bermuda Triangle, which turns out to be overrun by aliens called "The Watchers". Typical. Fortunately, Will stumbles across a gun and, hiding behind some conveniently placed rocks, gets to shooting.

The loading screens look gash

Unfortunately, the shooting is arguably the worst thing about Dark Void (apart from Nolan North, of course). Don't get me wrong, the cover and shoot gameplay works well enough (it would probably be more surprising if it didn't), but because of the weapons and AI it's incredibly dull. When the cover system works in games - Gears of War is the obvious example - it's because the enemy is smart enough to try and flank or expose you. There's none of that here; the enemy is quite happy sitting behind a column or tree trunk or park bench or whatever, popping in and out of cover until you've loaded it with bullets from one of your unimaginative weapons or smacked it around enough - which is basically done by hammering the melee button in the hope that you happen to initiate the attack quicker than the target, watching Will perform the attack from a slightly more cinematic angle (at which point you're unable to control him, so there's every chance that he could finish the attack only to find a grenade at your feet), then rinsing and repeating a few times until the alien falls over. Almost every ground-based shoot-out plays out this way, making the Dark Void experience utterly forgettable.

Wait, is that a flying Geth? Is there anything this game hasn't pinched?

This chug along in this manner for a while until Will meets up with a group of humans known simply as "The Survivors", who quickly hand him Dark Void's party piece: the jetpack. It starts of with fairly basic hovering - which is pretty nifty, and spices up the shoot-outs for a few minutes - but quickly becomes used for proper flight, allowing you to quickly take off from the ground and join in the dogfights. It could have been good but the jetpack doesn't handle particularly well. Standard flying is easy enough, but pulling off any kind of manoeuvre is a faff - you have to hold down one of the analogue sticks then flick both of them in a certain direction, which is way too much fuss when five UFOs are bearing down on your exhausts - and aiming is wild, making it almost impossible to target enemies and, consequently, making the dogfights more frustrating than fun.

Annoyingly, with the jetpack comes the introduction of a ridiculous amount of quick-time events. Pretty much anything that isn't simply hitting a Watcher in the face comes with a quick time event, and some of them are far to drawn out. Hijacking an enemy spaceship is the worst of them, because chances are you'll have to do that quite a lot what with the aiming is so bloody finicky. Normally quick time events have you press buttons in a certain order while something cinematic goes on in the background (see Uncharted 2/The Force Unleashed), which is fairly naff in itself, but hijacking in Dark Void is even worse. You don't press different buttons, you just hold down one and watch as Will pulls away at a sheet of metal. Pulls very, very slowly. You'll actually be sat there for a good thirty seconds, holding down one button while nothing really happens. Someone genuinely thought this was a good idea. You wouldn't even want them stacking the shelves at Gamestation.

Even at full boost, the pointlessly massive environments take far too much time to explore

As stand alone elements the combat and flight simulator are pretty poor, so it's no surprise that things don't get any better when they're combined. Dark Void's jetpack allows for a virtual cover system - let's say you're using the jetpack to climb a rock-face with a enemies at the top; you can use your jetpack to boost up the side of the cliff, grabbing on to protruding ledges and, while hanging from them, use them as cover as you make your way up. It's a novelty at first, but it still has all the problems that the regular horizontal gameplay does - except now you get a few particularly stupid enemies hiding on the wrong side of cover.

It's a shame really, as Dark Void should have been so much better. With the cover system shooting, the jetpack and the seamless transition between the two, it could have ended up as a decent game. But it's marred with poor gameplay decisions - namely the quick-time events - and lazy development, resulting in a drab, repetitive experience that you'll forget about five minutes after picking up a different game. To sum it all up: Dark Avoid.

...I'm sorry.

4/10

I'm sorry for the first caption as well...

Reviews Coming Soon:
Glee (Series review)
Being Human (Series review)
Mass Effect 2 (Game review)
MAG (Game review)

Game Review: Bayonetta

2010-01-26T02:44:00.000-08:00

Coming from the same minds that founded the revolutionary Devil May Cry series, you’d expect the same stylish, brutal and blisteringly paced hack-and-slashing from Bayonetta that has made Capcom’s series so popular. What you probably weren’t anticipating were the slick slow-time mechanics, impossibly brutal finishing moves and perception-buggering visuals that make Bayonetta an early contender for action game of the year.

The gist of it (because any expansion on a gist would probably make both our heads hurt) is that Bayonetta is a witch, who spends her life killing angels to stop them dragging her down to hell. That’s all you need to know really. There’s a never-realised romantic sub-plot in there somewhere and something vague happened 500 years ago which apparently explains everything, but all that generally takes a back seat to inverse smiting. Which is fine, because that’s bloody good fun.

Bayonetta’s combat is, like most good games, easy to grasp but harder to master. It’s simple really; X shoots, Y punches, B kicks, and you string these together for damaging combos. It’s highly accessible; anybody could pick up a pad and immediately start beating the hell (heaven?) out of a few angels, and look fairly stylish while they’re at it. But then there’s that extra level of depth for more hardcore hack-and-slashers: last-minute dodges that slow down time, obscenely brutal torture attacks and a wide variety of weapons (including trombones and a snake whip) that can make Bayonetta a diverse, blisteringly paced and beautifully stylish experience that – at least until God Of War 3 comes out later this year – is unparalleled on the current generation.

Something tells me that the developers are having a bit of a dry spell.

As usual with this sort of game, there are regular boss fights throughout Bayonetta. They’re suitably challenging without completely spiking the difficulty curve, which is great, but more importantly they’re some of the weirdest bosses ever conceived. I mean, the first one is a giant, flying upside-down cherub face with dragons for ears. How could you not have fun killing that? After each boss you’re treated to a visually stunning “Climax” (did I mention the shameless sexual overtones? Only the Japanese), where Bayonetta’s hair (seriously) passes through the dimensions and becomes all kinds of giant creatures, fists, or whatever to finish off the enemy. Sure, it doesn’t really make any sense, but it’s so visually satisfying you probably won’t care. The only slight downside is that you will end up fighting the same bosses a few times, although these appear as toned-down versions to gradually raise the difficulty curve before tougher bosses later in the game, so their cameos are forgiveable.

Yes, that is a giant gargoyle face with a massive tongue tipped with a smiling, crowned cherub. Yes, it does have massive tentacles. I'll have one of what Hideki Kamiya is having, please.

Just in case there was any chance that the combat could become tedious (yeah right) Bayonetta spices things up the with a couple of phenomenally fast, arcade-y vehicle sections, which put you on the back of motorbikes and, er, a missile, as well as a mini-game between missions where you shoot enemies for extra points. These sections really help mix up the gameplay, making Bayonetta a surprisingly diverse and a constantly fun experience that is impossible to get bored of during the first playthrough.

The gameplay will probably draw all the expected comparisons; Devil May Cry, God of War, Ninja Gaiden and the like. But it’s the environments the separates Bayonetta from these games, giving the combat and platforming an entire new dimension that relentlessly buggers your perception – think Mario Galaxy, but with a super-powered receptionist in spandex. Running along walls to escape a lava flow, following a winding path that ends up with you standing up-side down, a hundred feet in the air facing the ground where you were just fighting, and jumping across giant chasms onto a revolving island are just a couple of examples of how Bayonetta plays with the dimensions, and it’s this completely different perspective that raises it above other games of its type.

And now she's running up a wall, dodging falling rocks while killing various flying things. There isn't much they haven't thought of, is there?

So Bayonetta, while making absolutely no sense whatsoever, is an absolutely superb game, raising the bar for all games of its type with its awesome, fluid combat and stunning worlds, and is probably as close to perfect as these games have ever come, experimenting with concepts and making them work so well with proven excellent gameplay. And with the ending leaving things open for a sequel, hopefully it’ll be around again in a few years as another incredible example of the hack-and-slash sub-genre. Frankly, it’s a must-rent for anyone who has ever enjoyed a hack-and-slasher. Chances are it’ll blow you away.

10/10

If you're still not convinced, the game ends with you kicking God across the solar system into the sun, then shooting up it's charred corpse. Best. Ending. Ever.

Reviews coming soon:
Glee (Series Review)
Being Human (Series Review)
Dark Void

Mass Effect 2

Film Review: Avatar

2009-12-18T15:58:00.000-08:00

So this is it, then. Over a decade in the making, the film that would change cinema as we know it is finally here. Or maybe self-proclaimed “king of the world” James Cameron has just spent fifteen years and hundreds of millions of dollars setting us up for the biggest, preachiest let down of the year. Yeah, that sounds more like it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying Avatar is a bad film. The concept behind it – humans controlling synthetic beings, or Avatars, with their mind – is fairly ingenious, the setting is suitably epic and the technology used to create what is undoubtedly the best looking CGI so far may well change how future blockbusters are produced. But despite all this, Avatar still manages to fall short of expectations.

This is partly down to the plot, which Liege Cameron insisted would win over initial scepticism, being so contrived. It’s that old future-humanity-has-exhausted-Earth’s-resources- so-is-invading-a-peaceful-planet-and-warring-with-the-indigeanous-populace chestnut (a climate change message so glaringly obvious it’d make the audience blind if it wasn’t for the funky 3D sunglasses), with a few sympathetic humans taking up the natives’ banner. Sympathetic human du jour is Jake Sully (Sam Worthington), a paraplegic former marine who is drafted into the Avatar programme, and under the instruction of chief meat-head Colonel Quaritch is sent to spy on the local Na’vi – a species of giant, blue cat-people that look vaguely like Angelina Jolie after she’s been smacked around with a frying pan. But it’s not long before he falls in love with the Na’vi princess, Neytiri (Zoe Saldana), and the planet itself, causing him to turn on his own people and their reckless, greed-driven destruction of the planet (we get it Jim, global warming is bad). Essentially, Avatar is one Na’vi rendition of "Colours of the Wind" away from being Pocahontas in Space, which isn’t about to win over the thousands of keyboard-mashing sceptics that were Cameron’s target audience.

Neither will the characters, who are ironically two-dimensional considering Avatar is supposedly the benchmark for 3D cinema. It’s not that any of the supporting characters are particularly bad, they’re just never properly fleshed out, probably because there’s so much time spent on wide-frame panning shots of the planet’s undergrowth, which makes it a little difficult to muster up any sympathy when they start dropping like flies in the climactic final battle. Maybe they just wanted to get the boring human characters out of the way so they could introduce a greedy, six legged racoon in the sequel.

Still, the story of Avatar was never really the selling point, even if Tzar Cameron has convinced himself it is. It was the promise of the incredible new technology, which never fails to impress. As much as the endless shots of the planet’s environment detract from the story and its characters, they don’t half look good. Making this alien world and its creatures look entirely natural is a colossal achievement in itself. It’s safe to say that, if this is the future of CGI, then the future does look pretty damn awesome.

The 3D, however, still leaves a little to be desired, due largely to the restriction of cinema screens. The beautiful fluttering of insects or falling leaves is often cut short as it goes beyond the limits of the multiplex screen, and there was even a moment where the barrel of a gun poking into the audience was lopped off, probably poking out of the ceiling somewhere. Times like these make 3D look genuinely poor, and no arrow-flying-out-of-the-screen gimmick is going to compensate for that.

It goes without saying that Shah Cameron’s gajillion dollar masterpiece doesn’t live up to expectations. It’s an incredible visual achievement, one that may well go down in cinema history, but there’s precious little else to it. It might be worth seeing, if only for a glimpse of what blockbusters will look like for the next decade or so, but as a story it’s nothing you wouldn’t get from playing "Just Around the River Bend" over a Halo 3 cutscene while someone behind you shouts Lion-O quotes every five minutes. THUNDER CATS HO.

Film Review: TTS: New Moon

2009-11-28T14:30:00.000-08:00

The latest in the deservedly popular Twilight Saga, New Moon, is a masterpiece of film-making, a near-perfect story of tumultuous young love that is brimming with sparkling special effects, incredible performances that exceed the young cast's fame, and subtle yet evocative symbolism, the likes of which we have not been treated to since Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. At least that's how most of the teenage girl population will see it, anyway. Anyone else unfortunate enough to be swept up by the phenomenal hype that has surrounded the latest entry in the Twilight Series' (I refuse to seriously call it “Saga” as that is synonymous with “Epic”) will likely be underwhelmed.

New Moon picks up where the first Twilight film left off with Bella and Edward (Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, as if you didn't already know) enjoying their respective lives and after-lives as the high school's awkward couple. It's all going relatively well, considering Edward's overpowering desire to eat her, until Bella gets a paper cut in a room full of blood-starved vampires. The youngest, Jasper, goes mental, lunging for Bella like a rabid dog that's just caught the whiff of a Pepperami, forcing Edward to leap to the rescue. Which he does in the most chivalrous of ways: by pushing Jasper into a piano and throwing Bella several feet into a wall. I can see how he makes girls swoon.

The experience sees a guilty Edward leave town, insisting he never belonged with Bella. Naturally, Bella responds by curling up like an angsty foetus, screaming herself to sleep and sitting in a chair for absolutely ages before she falls into the ridiculously huge arms of Jacob Black (he's a werewolf, by the way). And so the love triangle is born.

Then stuff just seems to stop happening. Oh sure, there are bits where Bella goes a bit suicidal or where Jacob goes all furry and eats that one black vampire from the last film, but it all feels like irrelevant filler between Edward leaving and Bella chasing him. Without Bella and Edward being together there isn't any point in the story because their love is the story; which I'm sure is something the writers are thrilled they managed to get across, but with Edward absent for most of the film that's a good hour and a bit where New Moon just drags on and on, with nothing really interesting really happening besides Jacob Black getting his kit off for no obvious reason. Not that many people in the cinema were complaining, mind.

But the big problem with New Moon isn't that nothing relevant happens for most of the film. It's Bella Swan, probably one of the most infuriatingly weak lead characters in the history of... pretty much everything. There's absolutely nothing endearing about her whatsoever - she's not funny, she's so absorbed in her own angst that she seems totally uncaring unless it's for something that will probably eat her, and she's got an annoying habit of screaming at the top of her lungs when said flesh-eating man beast isn't there to hold her hand. It doesn't help that Kristen Stewart is as utterly talentless as she is, failing to deliver even a half convincing line for the entire 130 minutes.

The love interests aren't much better. Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black stumbles through his lines like he's been caught in a foothold trap, while Robert Pattinson's undead dreamboat Edward Cullen is as bland as ever, although to be fair it's difficult to determine whether that's just the character or whether Pattinson is just a bit rubbish. At least if it's the latter his new forced moniker is appropriate. R Patzzzzzzzzzz.

Fortunately, New Moon’s supporting cast are every bit as good as the leads are bland and wrapped up in their own self-loathing. Ashley Greene is quirky and cheeky as the pint-sized Alice Cullen, ranking as the only likable character who doesn’t want to kill Bella. Then the slightly less friendly Volturi, an order of more conventional vampires led by the wonderfully camp and evil mind of Aro (Michael Sheen), steal the film in during their brief appearance.

While the Volturi may steal the show, they aren’t around long enough to save it. New Moon is a tedious, bland and altogether irrelevant chapter in the series that lacks any real focus until the dying moments. No question about this: avoid. It’s not worth the time or money regardless of how into the series you are. Just skip this one altogether and catch up on the awkward romance next year.

One plus for director Chris Weitz though: New Moon is probably little better than the Golden Compass was. Although saying that is kind of like handing Gillian McKeith a freshly-filled tuppaware tub and pointing out that it’s floating a little bit more than the last one you gave her.

What [person with nothing better to do in the mornings] watched last night

2009-10-23T02:18:00.000-07:00

You know that little article next to TV listings in newspapers titled “What [bloke with incredibly easy job] saw last night”? I figured I'd start doing that since blogging about my everyday life was hardly stimulating writing, never mind reading. And tonight seems like as good a time as any to start.

Like most of the people who will probably end up reading this, it was that much-controversial episode of Question Time, which featured BNP leader Nick Griffin as one of the panelists, that was on the box last night. Although it seemed less of an intellectual, topical Q+A and more of a session in medieval stocks for Griffin, complete with peasants throwing rancid vegetables and calling him names.

I should probably get one thing straight before I continue; I don't like Nick Griffin, as a man or as a politician. I'm not defending him, his personal views or those of his party. I'm not saying I wouldn't enjoy watching him get a good verbal kicking in most other circumstances. But when it's coming from someone whose idea of wit is starting a sentence with “Dick, oh I'm sorry Nick” or a smug 12-year-old looking student with a blatantly massive stiffy for himself, it all gets a little tedious.

Besides the audience's juvenile insults and throwaway, self-satisfying lefty remarks making for rubbish television, isn't this is the sort of thing that has given the BNP a real hard-on in the past? No doubt they'll be using words like “injustice” and “undemocratic” to describe the audience's playground treatment of Griffin and they wouldn't be entirely unjustified in doing so. We may have given a far-right party with a history of racism a sympathy vote in exchange for a nob gag and a couple of smarmy comments. Superb.

That's not to say last night's Question Time was all bad. There were some good points made regarding the BNP's immigration policy (bricking up the UK-bound half on the channel tunnel and constructing a machine-gun nest on every beach) and Griffin's position on the panel - sitting to the right of a black woman - made unintentionally hilarious use of his lazy left eye as he seemingly kept a wary watch over her just in case she was concealing a tribal spear in her bandana. But other than that it was mostly forgettable; topics that should have been discussed – the BNP's current policies and the reasons for their recent rise to prominence – were largely ignored or were persistently dodged as panelists belted out years-old quotes to score easy points with the audience. In the end, the whole thing was utterly pointless.

Game Review: Halo 3: ODST

2009-10-01T03:43:00.000-07:00

Apparently the fight isn't quite finished yet.

Originally intended as a small expansion for Halo 3, Halo 3: ODST seemed to have become so much more. It became a stand-alone game, midnight launches and release parties were announced, and they even surprised us with a brilliant live-action trailer. You'd have been forgiven for thinking all this hype was leading up to a potential game of the year, instead of an expansion with a few tweaks.

The obvious change is that Master Chief, the series' mascot, isn't the focal character. Instead you assume the role of an ODST (which stands for Orbital Drop Shock Trooper, something I'm ashamed to admit I knew before ODST was announced), who are slightly more tactical than the gravelly, seven-foot colossus. With the change in personnel comes a snazzy new HUD - referred to in the game as a VISR, that comes complete with a map, list of objectives and not-quite-night-vision – and health system, with both the recharging shield and a health bar. Both have been integrated fairly well, and help make for a more tactical shooter than Halo 3. A couple of new weapons have been included too: a scoped pistol to effectively deal with Grunts and a scoped SMG that is...a little superfluous, really.

The new character: Rookie. A nameless, faceless, armour clad space marine. So not new at all then, really.

Supposedly, the ODSTs aren't quite as capable as the Chief, and this has been reflected in some of the gameplay tweaks; you can't dual-wield weapons, you can't jump as high, and you can't turn a tank into scrap metal with a few well-aimed punches. But at the same time you can rip a turret from it's stand and knock out a Brute Chieftain with one deft smack. Clearly they (Bungie) have tried to make you feel like less of a super-soldier, but haven't quite pulled it off. Whether or not that's a bad thing is debatable; some fans might be disappointed at the lack of change, others won't because it doesn't detract one iota from the experience.

Campaign is the initial draw of Halo, although in ODST it's a little insubstantial, lasting maybe five or six hours, with most of that time will be spent wandering the streets of New Mombassa (the city that was invaded during Halo 2), in a darkened sandbox environment with little-to-no visibility. This was a nice idea but, while credit is due to Bungie again for experimenting with a long established formula, it's an experiment that doesn't really work. The environment itself isn't particularly interesting to explore; every street looks identical, and enemies are few and far between. The lack of visibility, while suitably atmospheric, makes it so that even if there was something vaguely interesting to see, you'd probably miss it anyway unless you were permanently squinting. Even the use of O'Donnel's beautifully composed score doesn't work in the sandbox; it's fine for wandering around but once you find a couple of enemies it's slow, depressing melody feels incredibly out-of-place in a fire fight. Unless you're a dedicated achievement hunter you probably won't want to spend much time exploring New Mombassa, as there's no real purpose to it besides bridging the gap between the more enjoyable missions.

These other missions offer a stark contrast to the drudgery of the New Mombassa streets. The environments are bright and diverse, ranging from wide open nature reserves to teetering crates high above the clouds, that not only make brilliant use of O'Donnel's score but really show off the newly polished engine. Enemies are never in short supply, allowing for the fast paced action we have always associated with Halo. There is a slight feeling of familiarity; for example the second mission, which has you careering through a nature reserve in a Warthog, feels very similar to the Halo 3 mission "Road To Voi". But they're no less enjoyable, some ranking up there with the better missions in the trilogy.

The views are no less spectacular than they were in Halo 3.

The campaign, then, is a mixed bag, alternating between some of the better missions of the series and the probably worst executed idea in it to date. But the multiplayer has always been Halo's main appeal - even after two years, Halo 3 still regularly attracts gamers in their hundreds of thousands – and ODST contributes to that with a whole new co-operative mode: Firefight.

In Firefight, up to four players work to kill oncoming waves of enemies that become stronger and more numerous as the game progresses; anyone who has played either Gears of War 2's Horde or Call of Duty: World at War's Nazi Zombie modes will feel right at home. It's a good mode with a nice variety of maps and, for the most part (a little more ammo would be nice), well thought out. Halo fans will undoubtedly be coming back for more time and time again, like they have been doing with both Halo 2 and Halo 3's multiplayer for the past five years. On the other hand, for everyone else who maybe dipped into Halo before moving onto something else, it probably won't have that lasting appeal.

That's a potential underlying problem with Halo 3: ODST; it's the definition of fan service. For Halo fans it's great, they'll all get their moneys worth by replaying the campaign for achievements, by getting together on Firefight every other night, and feeding their addiction to Halo 3's multiplayer with the three new maps. But if you're not a die-hard Halo fan you'll most likely be left wanting because, although ODST is decent, there's not enough to it, even with the ever-so-slight price cut.

Game Review: Wolfenstein

2009-09-22T01:35:00.001-07:00

It's been an eight year wait but the Wolfenstein series, one of the grand-daddies of first-person shooters, has finally made it's way into this generation. Known simply as Wolfenstein, can the latest instalment in the veteran series re-establish itself in an increasingly huge market of first-person shooters?

Things don't start off promising as we find the protagonist, B.J Blazkowicz (I wish I was kidding), disguised on board a Nazi U-boat off the coast of jolly old Blighty. However, it's not long (maybe ten seconds into the cutscene) before our all-American hero abandons all subtlety and, after a daring attempted escape, finds himself cornered by the crew. But, just as they're about to fire, a mysterious blue light emanates around B.J, shielding him from an onslaught of bullets before disintegrating his surrounding enemies. When his bosses realise that the strange light came from a medallion linked to Isenstadt, a German town that has recently become occupied by Nazi cultists, B.J is sent undercover to investigate the goings-on, and then put a stop to it.

As you can tell based on that opening cutscene (a lot of which should have been playable, instead of leaving you sat there completely bewildered for about five minutes), Wolfenstein boasts one of the most hilariously contrived plots in video game history. There are some brilliantly bad moments dotted around the cutscenes - like a heavily accented Russian man with a Stalin 'tasche and an eye-patch standing in a pub full of snarling Nazis warning B.J not to "blow our cover", or how everyone in Isenstadt seems to know the apparently undercover protagonist by his full name - that come around without even the slightest hint of irony. It's so horrifically, shamefully bad that it's almost good. Except it isn't really. It's just rubbish.

It doesn't get much better while you're playing Wolfenstein. Most of the single player is spent wandering around Isenstadt, a sort of psuedo-free-roaming environment that pretends to encourage exploration (loading screens will be full of "Search every corner of Isenstadt for gold and intel") but punishes you for doing so by respawning enemies every time you walk round a corner. By the time you've fought your way through, picked up the minimal gold that was lying around and gotten to the market to spend it, you'd need to spend about a quarter of it on ammo for your weapons anyway! Still, maybe this is a blessing in disguise, since the weapon upgrades are mostly useless (more on that in a minute) and the story isn't nearly interesting enough to make any intel worth reading. That, and exploring Isenstadt is probably the most depressing thing in the world. Every street being a dreary mixture of grey and brown, and with Wolfenstein's graphics looking so dated it's probably one of the ugliest games that's been released for a while.

The missions are a little better, since unlike the areas in Isenstadt they have some purpose and direction. It goes without saying that they're a little generic - this series helped define generic back in the 90's - but they're well paced, and grant you access to all kinds of new powers and equipment.

There's a good variety of weapons to choose from in Wolfenstein. As well as the obligatory weapons that appear in every WW2 themed game (MP40, Panzerschrek, etc) there are a couple of fancy, futuristic weapons, such as the particle cannon. Mixing these very different weapons together works very well; not so much because it adds variety, but because storming round an underground Nazi fortress firing a huge disintegrating beam into anyone that so much as mutters "Achtung" is a hell of a lot of fun. At least until you run out of ammo. The only irritating thing about the weapons was swapping between them, since with a PS3 controller you're never quite sure how much pressure to apply to the R2 button, so a lot of the time it either doesn't swap at all or it brings up the full weapon menu instead of instantly swapping between two weapons, which can be a real pain in the middle of a fire fight.

You'll also have powers, accessed through the aforementioned medallion. The three main powers allow you to control time, deal extra damage and create a personal shield, and can be used to quickly get you out of any tough situations you find yourself in. The other, more basic power, which lets you see the world through an alternate dimension (I honest to God cannot believe I'm writing some of this stuff with my tongue out of my cheek), showing you any secret passages, enemy weak points, and areas where you can recharge your medallion. It's a decent extra but most of the time it's fairly pointless. You'll use it but only because it's there, not because it ever feels particularly necessary to overcome difficult obstacles.

The same can be said for the upgrades system. As I said earlier, you can spend any gold you find lying around on upgrades for your weapons and powers, although in my experience with Wolfenstein it turned out to be pretty frivolous. Since the bigger weapons and later powers are so expensive to upgrade, I just ended up ploughing all my money into the sniper rifle and time control power, and coasted through the game near enough effortlessly with just that one weapon and power, and didn't feel the need to use the otherwise awesome futuristic weapons.

So then, Wolfenstein is ugly, contrived, dated, stupid, clunky, rarely challenging, and the protagonist is named after fellatio. In short, pretty damn bad. It's not as if there are no saving graces - I'm going to bring up that particle gun again - but they don't do much to make up for everything that Wolfenstein does so clumsily. Still, it's not without purpose. Maybe, in twenty years time, developers looking to bring back Halo or Bioshock will look at Wolfenstein and go "Actually, no". Unless they're spearheaded by Activision, of course.

Acorah to inspire Ghost re-envisioning.

2009-09-15T00:41:00.000-07:00

Medium Derek Acorah is all set to inspire a remake of hit 1990 movie ghost, following the death of original star Patrick Swayze yesterday.

Acorah, who made a name for himself as a medium working alongside shrieking blonde Yvette Fielding on Living TV's Most Haunted, has stated his interest in recreating the classic romantic flick, which starred Patrick Swayze as a ghost alongside co-star Demi Moore.

“I've already heard from my spirit guide that Swayze's spirit has returned to his home, so we've already got one big name on location” claimed the veteran bullshitter. “If we could just drag Demi from canoodling her adopted son for a couple of minutes we'd be mostly set”.

Acorah did note that a problem with filming scenes with Swayze could be visibility. “It is true that most ghosts are ethereal, making them very difficult to spot for most people” he confessed, “but if you really visualise the ghost, you'll see it. Think of it like the Emperor's new clothes, but I'm honestly not pulling a fast one.”

“If test audiences still struggle, we'll get one of the guys to put in a floating dot that hovers around Demi's erect nipples, or something like that.”

Reports in Hollywood claim that Fox are already in the advanced stages of negotiating a film deal with Acorah and his spirit guide.

Morning all.

2009-09-12T01:35:00.001-07:00

Since someone's alarm went off at seven-bloody-AM on a Saturday, I figured I'd quickly write something up while the beast is still asleep next door.

I ended up getting Wolfenstein, and hopefully I'll have a review done for that by the end of next week. First impressions are that it's, well, poor. Really, really poor. I'd elaborate, but then I'd risk accidentally using a metaphor that I'd have rather used in the full review and then kicking myself for a good thirty minutes trying to thing of a new one. Just be safe in the knowledge that it features Nazis, occult artifacts and a huge chinned protagonist. See, now I don't even need to elaborate.

In other news, apparently it was the Dreamcast's tenth birthday the other day, which is nice. Having never owned a Dreamcast or even played one, I'm not exactly mourning it's short lived existence, but some of the write ups and interviews about it's downfall are fairly interesting, if not a little sensationalist and bum-licking. They're worth checking out, if you've got a few minutes going spare.

Anyway, I'm off to make a bacon sandwich so that when I do wake the missus, she'll have something to bit other than my head...off. That didn't work quite as well as I wanted it to.

I've decided that it's about time I got back into the routine I had started...wait, this sounds familiar.

2009-09-09T23:59:00.000-07:00

You've probably noticed that I've not been doing much around here recently, apart from the odd review going up every couple of months before I crawled back into my proverbial hole. There are a couple of good reasons for this, or at least I'd like to pretend they're good reasons. My girlfriend has moved in (more on that at a later date), I've been on holiday, and somehow I've ended up with three dogs; officially qualifying me and anyone who enters my house as a weird dog person. So naturally I didn't have as much time on my hands as I used to back when I was churning out two reviews a week.

But, now that everything has settled down a bit, I've got a little bit more time and I should be able to get properly stuck into writing again. Unfortunately, since I'm saving up to move out, it's not going to be a case of two game or film reviews a week since I just don't think I can afford it at the moment. I'll be looking into more free stuff – regular blogging, TV reviews, satirical news and such like – just so that I can keep getting practice in. Not sure how interesting I'll be able to make blogging, mind - the most interesting thing that has happened to me in the last couple of days was when I rearranged all the pins on the notice boards at work into a hexagon, so I could find out what I'd look like to a golden spider who'd lost his glasses (as it turns out, gold and blurry) – but maybe I could throw a couple of cock jokes in there and make it all worthwhile.

Anyway! Plans for reviews this month are pretty straightforward. I'm renting two games today, one of them will be Motorstorm: Pacific Rift for my swanky new Playstation 3 (now you know why I can afford two reviews a week), and the other will be either Wolfenstein or Batman: Arkham Asylum, depending on what they've got in stock. Following that there should be a review of the Red Faction: Guerilla DLC, and then (predictably) Halo 3: ODST. I might even try and squeeze District 9 in there somewhere as well, even if I have to go on my lonesome.

You can expect an update round here every two or three days now, so if you're interested (or, more likely, seriously bored) you should keep checking up on this place.

See you around!

Game Review: Shadow Complex

2009-09-08T03:46:00.000-07:00

It's not often that an Xbox Live Arcade title grabs the gaming world's attention in the same way that Shadow Complex has. Not only has it broken records on the Live Arcade for most downloads in an opening week, but it's been picking up critical acclaim from just about every major games site there is. Frankly, if that hasn't convinced you yet, then why you're reading the opinion of a no-name amateur with sub-par grammar is beyond me - especially since I'm probably just going to end up echoing everything they've said anyway.

Shadow Complex begins with Jason Flemming (voiced by Nolan North, who seems to be an obligatory inclusion in pretty much any video game these days) and his girlfriend Claire spontaneously exploring some caverns while on a backpacking trip, when they accidentally stumble upon a huge underground military complex. When Claire is captured, Jason is forced to put his convenient military training to use in order to infiltrate the base and rescue her. It has all the outline of a generic action plot but the characters - both the reluctantly patriotic Jason and the increasingly ambiguous Claire - and a sharp, witty script help make Shadow Complex that little bit more interesting than the standard video game story.

It's not long before every-man Jason has mastered the all-American hero strut

Gameplay is a little bit different, too. It's based on classic side-scrolling shooters (Super Metroid, Castlevania and the like), but the environment is 3D. So, while you can only move in two dimensions, enemies can appear anywhere in a level. It's an interesting twist on a classic concept that Shadow Complex pulls off almost perfectly - aiming can be a little frustrating sometimes, but the auto-aim compensates for that most of the time - and having this fresh challenge is something that anyone who tries this game will surely appreciate.

Failing guns, there's always the opportunity to just kick people in the face

Something else you're bound to appreciate is just how good Shadow Complex looks. Graphics are superb and Shadow Complex could easily itself off as an early full-price 360 game, but the real surprise is how varied the environments are. Inside the huge underground complex there are caves, warehouses, bright white corridors from the Tantive IV and underground lakes and rivers, which makes exploring and even backtracking through the complex really engaging, as well as allowing for loads of different situations.

To get you through these increasingly tough situations is a selection of guns - you'll start off finding a simple pistol and end up brandishing a giant shotgun of the future - and some incredibly cool gadgets, which you'll start picking up fairly early on in the game. Starting with the jetpack, you'll gradually come across scuba gear, grappling hooks and - probably best of all - speed boots that let you smash the speed barrier and run up walls. The constant access to new items mean that, as well as giving you the excuse to go back through the map and solve old puzzles with your new found skills, combat is constantly given new dimensions; why take cover behind a box when you can thrust yourself into the air and shoot a live grenade in their mouth? Most importantly, however, is the simple torch that you start with. Aside from being used to illuminate dark caves and vents, it also shows hidden areas and how to access them - for example, if a vent cover glows orange then you can shoot your way through - which can result in all kinds of rewards if you're patient enough to pour over the entire complex.

Why yes, he is running on water. Why are you still reading?

The only niggling issue with Shadow Complex (besides the aiming) is the fairly rubbish bosses, all of which have a suitably impressive introduction that is match by their complete ineptness to create the kind of challenge that a boss fight should. Either they're entirely predictable - just find the incredibly obvious weak spot and spam grenades until it blows up - or it's just ridiculously easy. There are even some bosses that can be killed while they're off screen, just by back-pedalling until they're out of sight and then shooting in their general direction. Maybe it's because we're so used to games like this, or maybe it's because I'm soft and was only playing it on normal difficulty, but they just seemed far too easy and obvious. Still, this is just a niggling issue, and when the rest of Shadow Complex is as brilliant as it is you really shouldn't be put off by it.

All things considered, Shadow Complex is definitely worth your time. Fast paced, great looking and full of cool gadgets, for only 1200 Microsoft points you're getting one of the best games that's been released so far this year on the 360. See, told you I'd be saying the same as everyone else.

Film Review: G.I.: Joe: The Rise of Cobra

2009-08-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

Now that Hollywood is running out of comic book characters for it's summer action blockbusters it's time for toys to take their place on the big screen, and following Transformer's box office success toy giants Hasbro have decided to give G.I.: Joe it's cinema debut in The Rise of Cobra. But with an all star cast including someone from an Amanda Bynes film, that pretty girl from the new Hugo Boss adverts and Marlon Wayans (I know, my heart sank when I found out he was in films as well), it wasn't looking particularly promising.

Things start off in 1641 - it just wouldn't be a proper toy franchise film without a hastily explained and completely irrelevant back story now, would it? - as the lead villain's great-great-great-great-granddad Klan McCullen is punished for selling weapons to both sides of a war. Then time accelerates a few hundred years to the near future where the nefarious James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston, the only face you'll recognise during the film which isn't just a five second cameo) is developing weapons of his own, while simultaneously planning to take over the world. As you do.

These weapons end up in the hands of the incredibly responsible US Military, led by All-American hero Duke (who is unintentionally referred to as "Dook" throughout the film, which is mildly hilarious) and his allegedly comic relief sidekick Ripcord. It's not long before they're ambushed by McCullen's Cobra soldiers, led by Sienna Miller in skin-tight black leather (I can hear you booking the tickets already), who try to steal the weapons back (which just makes you wonder why they sold the weapons in the first place) and it's not long before they're ambushed by G.I.: Joe (who isn't just one G.I called Joe, but a whole bunch of people collectively known as "Joes". I'm confused too). After the Joes have routed Cobra with their superior CGI they whisk Dook and Ripcord to their super secret base where they're recruited into the elite team.

That's about twenty minutes of the film and you can probably guess where it goes from there - Cobra get weapons again, shit hits fan, Joes save day, Dook gets girl, credits roll, The End - but since this is an action blockbuster based on an action figure it's probably a bit harsh to slate it for being predictable. But it isn't too harsh to slate it for all the pointless back story it ham-handedly tries to weave in inbetween all the CGI explosions and black leather. Having one back story - like the one explaining Doctor Who's motivation for world domination - is forgiveable, but there's one for every other character. As if we need an explanation for why the black ninja doesn't like the white ninja. They're different colours, we just fucking accept it.

There is a bunch of other stuff wrong with G.I.: Joe but it's not as if I need to spell it out for you, just think of pretty much anything that could be wrong with an action blockbuster and the chances are that it'll be wrong with G.I.: Joe. But there's always the slightest hint that everything it does is a little tongue-in-cheek, as if director Stephen Sommers knew that turning G.I.: Joe into a decent action flick was next to impossible so decided to screw it up completely for poops and giggles, giving G.I.:Joe a distinct Team America feel. It even goes as far as to replicate the opening scene, where the good guys inadvertently destroy most of Paris before bewilderedly questioning why everyone is so annoyed at them. It's a shame they couldn't include the sing-a-long about AIDs, though.

I suppose how much you enjoy G.I.: Joe: The Rise of Cobra will depend on how you watch it. As a stock action film it's mildly entertaining, and as a completely piss-take it's slightly genius. Just don't try watching it from a discerning, critical perspective because then, obviously, it's absolute rubbish. But people with discerning, critical perspectives shouldn't watch films like G.I.: Joe anyway.

...

AND NOW YOU KNOW

AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE

GEEEEE AAAAAAYEEEEEE JOOOOOOOOOOOE

TV Review: You Have Been Watching

2009-08-03T04:30:00.000-07:00

Charlie Brooker, the cynical and seemingly sociopathic mind behind BBC4's excellent Screenwipe, has gone all mainstream in his latest television foray on, er, television with new Channel 4 quiz show 'You Have Been Watching' - where Brooker quizzes three guests on recent weeks television to test their knowledge, creativity and punch lines. Half way into the series' eight week run, how is Brooker coping under the heat of the studio lights?

You Have Been Watching seemed to have a winning formula. Brooker quizzing various comedians (and, for some bizarre yet obligatory reason, Jamelia) were amusing enough, while his own Screenwipe-esque segments were still as funny as they were when it was just him sitting alone in a darkened room (even if there were fewer words bleeped out). But for some reason, which has become increasingly obvious as the series has dragged on, this doesn't quite seem to work.

One reasons for this could be the guests, who all seem a little mismatched. Obviously the inclusion of Jamelia in the opening episode was a little odd, but even the likes of Frankie Boyle and Reece Shearsmith - people with the kind of dark humour that you'd think would match up well with the likes of Brooker - somehow feel out of place and awkward with each other and the host, almost as if they're worried about being too funny in case they accidentally upstage Brooker and he bites off their heads in retaliation. Which is a completely unfounded fear, as his neck isn't nearly long enough to reach the far end of the set.

But the main problem seems to be Brooker himself who has become increasingly awkward with both the audience and the guests as the series has gone on, and seems unable to develop any kind of rapport with either. This was most obvious during the third episode; while Brooker jokingly berated the three guests they sat gawping in confusion, like school students being yelled at by a new substitute teacher, with the whole thing followed by hesitant applause from an audience who were clearly so dumbfounded by the speech they'd forgotten to read the big red "applause" sign dangling from the studio rafters. Maybe that's the point, maybe Brooker - a man who who often referred to himself as misanthropic - is maintaining an awkward atmosphere as a private joke between him and the producers. It's just a shame nobody else gets to laugh.

That said, You Have Been Watching is still good for a few laughs, just not quite as many as you'd have expected after watching the likes of Screen and Newswipe. What made those shows funny is still there, it just lacks the harsh, brash language that made them both so much more entertaining. As for his newly chosen format, so far it's unconvincing. The guests and flashy set just get in the way of what everyone actually wants to see; Brooker sitting alone in a darkened room vocalising his hatred and making jokes about bums. Maybe I'll dig out a couple of old Screenwipe episodes tomorrow night instead.

You Have Been Watching is on at 10pm, Tuesdays nights on Channel 4.

Game Review: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

2009-08-01T09:20:00.000-07:00

The video game adaptation of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen never really looked like it was going to be any good. Never mind the fact that it's a movie tie-in, but the developer and publisher history - practically non-existent and shamelessly corporate respectively - didn't exactly fill anyone with optimism. Still, so long as it sticks to the premise of giant robots transforming into sports cars and planes and kicking the crap out of each other it can't be all bad, right?

The good news is that Revenge of the Fallen does just that. In both single and multiplayer you'll play as either Autobots or Decepticons, and roam around small areas of Japan, America, Egypt and wherever else scrapping with other giant robots. With a decent sized arsenal of weapons and vehicles, there's enough here to keep the novelty fresh for a good couple of hours. Although once that novelty wears off, it all starts going rapidly downhill.

The first thing you'll notice is the controls, which are all over the place. The developers have tried to find a system that allows you to quickly transform between the three modes - weapons, vehicles and movement (allowing you to scale buildings as your chosen Transformer) - but in doing so have come up with an overly complicated and fiddly system. Let's say your driving down the road in vehicle mode (so holding down the right trigger), and you see an enemy on top of a building. If you want to take a shot at them you have to let go of the right trigger to exit vehicle mode, hold down the left trigger to go into weapons mode, turn around to target the enemy, choose which weapon you want to use with the left or right bumpers, and then fire on them with the right trigger. How complicated is that? Considering the d-pad isn't being used for anything and would be a much simpler way of switching between them, developers Luxoflux have made what could have been a simple system needlessly intricate and irritating to grasp.

While Revenge of the Fallen does stick to the giant mechanical brawl idea instead of dithering about with awkward teenage romance (I know you're probably not reading this Mr Bay, but take notes if you are), in the single player it will become very tedious, very quickly. The option to choose between playing as Decepticons or Autobots is appreciated, but ultimately unnecessary since you'll be playing through exactly the same levels and the enemies you fight - a selection of identical mini Autobots and Decepticons depending on which faction you choose - aren't varied or challenging, so fighting them throughout the few hours of each campaign is incredibly repetitive. Annoyingly, Luxoflux could have easily prevented this by giving the Decepticons human enemies rather than the rubbish mini Autobots, which could have done wonders to spice things up a bit - I mean, who wouldn't want to wander around as a mechanical behemoth blowing up armies of oncoming tanks? - but naturally, they've gone for the cheaper, easier option. With this being an Activision published movie tie-in it's hardly surprising, but you can't help but feel a little disappointed when you think of how much more potential there could be in a Transformers game.

It doesn't help that the repetitive missions are accompanied by equally repetitive voice-overs. After completing a mission, the chosen faction will sit around a giant holographic globe monotonously discussing your mission performance. Who actually thought it'd be a good idea to have five badly voice-acted robots blather on for however long about accuracy statistics and uncompleted bonus objectives? And who decided to make it unskippable? And who tested without pointing out how bloody stupid it was? And who... fuck it. There are too many individuals to blame. I'll just Google the address of Luxoflux's development studios and bare my arse in that general direction. That'll show 'em.

The closest Revenge of the Fallen comes to have a saving grace is it's multiplayer, but even that is riddled with faults. There are only four game types and there's very little map variety, and players have an irritating habit of dropping in and out of games so multiplayer lacks any consistent pace. When enough people do stick around matches can be competitive and fun, but this happens so rarely that it's not often worth sticking around for. Like everything else with Revenge of the Fallen then, Luxoflux have put the bare minimum effort into the multiplayer and it really shows.

So Revenge of the Fallen is, unsurprisingly, one of the worst games to have come out for the 360 this summer. It's completely half arsed, and Luxoflux don't seem to have put any effort in anywhere. It's a shame really, after playing through Wolverine: Origins it seemed there was a glimmer of hope for movie tie-in titles, but that view has been well and truly jaded after playing through this thoroughly average excuse for a game. And to think the same people who published this are genuinely threatening to up the price of their games to £55. Where do they get the knackers?

Ethnic minorities excluded "'cause a Brother can't swim"

2009-07-13T16:55:00.000-07:00

Following the media hysteria around the exclusion of a young group of racial minorities from a swimming club, the President has made a statement defending the club's actions.

John Duesler Jr, President of the Valley Club, had earlier this week excluded a group of African American and Hispanic youngsters from using the club's swimming pool, claiming that the children would "change the complexion" of the club, and today spoke out defending his statements.

Duesler, who appeared in front of reporters wearing a large sun hat and with his nose doused in sun screen, said that "Our motivation for excluding that group of children is not racial, we have to maintain a respectable image as a swimming club. And that is not one that we can maintain with black children."

"I mean, if someone from a rival swimming club came round and saw a group of black kids flopping around in the pool - 'cause we all know they can't swim - what would they think of us? We're just trying to protect our own reputation."

One of the pool's lifeguards was outspoken in his agreement with Duesler: "I've never had to perform so many rescues in that pool in a day. It's not like I could tell the difference between them either, so I could hardly stop them jumping in again afterwards."

In the meantime, the excluded Creative Steps Inc. have reportedly been offered the use of another club's athletics track. Executive Director of the day camp, Alethea Wright, said "it's good to see that not everyone is as closed minded as the Valley Club is acting at the moment, and there are those out there who don't adhere to outdated racial stereotypes."

Game Review: Prototype

2009-07-11T00:42:00.000-07:00

With several years of hype behind it, it's unsurprising that Prototype was one of this summer's most anticipated releases. It promised so much, boasting free-roaming environments, flowing parkour and highly destructive superpowers in the months leading up to it's release. But has it managed to live up to it's own hype, or is this another ambitious but ultimately disappointing gaming blockbuster?

After kicking off with a brief, teasing sample of the chaos and devastation to come, Prototype rewinds a fortnight and we see the man who was just walking around with swords for hands wake up on a morgue table and realise he's somehow developed superpowers. This man - Alex Mercer - quickly finds himself being forced to uncover a conspiracy to try and discover who he is and exactly what has happened to him. Naturally he does this by walking around New York City eating people who he thinks might be slightly relevant. It's not nearly as complex or interesting as the thousands of random and irrelevant plot elements would have you believe, but it's a good enough staging ground to show off one of the coolest mix of powers there has been in a game for a long time.

Alex starts off with the basic powers, which include enhanced strength, speed, durability and agility. While they're never going to be as efficient as the shape-shifting powers you'll unlock as you play through Prototype, these abilities allow you to traverse New York City however you please and, whether that's pelting down the middle of the road at a hundred miles an hour, leaping between skyscrapers or just climbing to the top of the Empire State building and hopping off into the carnage below, you'll experience a freedom of movement that is unrivalled on the 360 and which will never become tedious.

The other basic ability Alex possesses is shape-shifting, allowing him to blend in with the crowd by taking on a different form such as a pedestrian or a soldier by consuming them. While shape-shifting can be useful early on it gradually becomes obsolete, since as you progress enemies that can detect you through a disguise start appearing more often, meaning that previously stealth-based objectives such as infiltrating an enemy base become mad consume-and-dash missions. It's a decent feature, and tricking gullible marines into killing one of their own is always a good laugh, but it's never going to vary the gameplay like it could have done.

Consuming someone for their appearance is a simple process of grabbing them and eating their face off.

As you play through the story and completely the various side missions, you'll have the chance to unlock and upgrade other powers, most of which revolve around Alex's shape-shifting abilities. However, these powers aren't about blending in with the crowd: they're about literally blending the crowd. Just a few of the powers you'll include giant hammer fists, giant claws and even a long whip (where Radical Entertainment missed a glorious comedic opportunity by attaching it to his arm and not somewhere more provocative) to deal with the hordes of zombies, soldiers, and innocent screaming pedestrians that litter the street. These distinctive abilities allow you to play Prototype however you want, and keep the already slick and hilariously gory combat fresh and varied throughout the game.

And I thought the cheestrings in the adverts were a bit mental.

If the wide selection of highly destructive powers doesn't quite cut it for you, Prototype is more than willing to throw in some more highly destructive toys for you to play with including machine guns, tanks and helicopters, all of which are remarkably easy to use. Using a weapon is a simple case of aiming and shooting - although the fiddly auto aim can be a pain since it doesn't understand that adjacent giant infected monsters are greater threats than a woman flailing her arms half a block away - while tanks and helicopters handle very smoothly, and it won't be long before you've completely mastered the controls for both and are taking them on wild rampages through Central Park. So, unlike other games where vehicles and weapons feel a little tacked on and unnecessary, Prototype has integrated them perfectly, and adds further diversity and chaos to it's already dynamic, varied and totally manic experience.

With the sheer amount of mayhem on screen, you'd imagine Prototype would be constantly suffering frame rate issues, texture pops and other irritating technical issues. But amazingly, it doesn't. Everything runs very smoothly throughout - at least it doesn't if you've taken the five minutes to install it onto your 360's hard drive. The downside to this is that Prototype isn't the prettiest game - the environment is a selection of dull greys and browns, the textures would have looked poor in a later last generation game, and the limited amount of character models are ugly and bland. Then again, if you're stood still long enough to notice any of this stuff then you're not playing the game properly, and should really get back to mindlessly slaughtering people with giant hammer fists and rocket launchers - because while the looks may be flawed, the utter carnage of combat is near enough flawless.

I know it's supposed to look disturbing, but does anyone else think the beastie on the left's expression looks remarkably like the Awesome face?

That said, there are a couple of niggling issues with Prototype. The camera, while fine when leaping over skyscrapers or single handedly re-enacting the running of the bulls in a street full of zombies, isn't particularly good in closer environments, where you'll often find your view obstructed by a piece of debris or a wall. The side missions can be fairly repetitive as well, but since you can dip in and out of them as and when they're hardly a game killer.

Minor flaws aside, Prototype is a mind-blowingly fun experience, and delivers on more than enough of it's ambitious promises to make it worth your while. If you've ever played a game where you sliced something's limb off and your only thought was "Holy shit that's cool", this is something you should definitely pick up. Like, right now. Meanwhile, if you're looking for something a little more complex and involving then Prototype probably isn't it, but frankly if you're going to turn your nose up at the awesome, bloody mayhem because Prototype doesn't have the sophistication or depth of other games then you're a pretentious cock and I don't like you.

360 Thieves Traced after Massive Influx of Calls to Customer Support

2009-07-01T03:50:00.000-07:00

The men behind the Great Xbox 360 Robbery have been caught out after making over a thousand calls to Microsoft's Technical Support.

The robbers, who stole a truck carrying 1,300 of the error-ridden consoles, were forced to call the Xbox customer support line after tests on the stolen consoles resulted in a thousand different failures and error messages.

Microsoft were then able to determine the consoles were stolen as the thieves read out each console's individual serial number, while police traced the calls to discover the thieves' location - a warehouse in Mississauga, South Ontario, Canada.

A Canadian police chief claimed 'At first we figured that these men [who had already bound and gagged a security guard before making off with the truck] were professional criminals. It wasn't until Microsoft informed us of the hundreds of customer support calls that we realised they were just regular Canadians.'

'Pretty much any other race on the world would have managed to get away with it, but as a people we're just not cut out for this sort of thing'.

Meanwhile, the thieves apparently saw a silver lining to their current incarceration, one stating that 'At least we don't have to put up with that obnoxious c**t Max again', while another said 'We don't have to put up with all the hype for another f**king Halo game, either'.

Finally.

2009-06-27T15:57:00.000-07:00

Just stuck all the reviews up, even though I said I'd do it a week or so ago (although to be fair, you probably didn't expect much else considering the fuck all I've done for the last few months). Usual stuff: hope you enjoy reading them, feedback is very welcome.

Sorry for the lack of pictures, but when you've got to look up and think of captions for three-four different pictures for each review, the idea of doing that four times in a row is a little off-putting.

Oh yeah, you'll notice the Resident Evil 5 review is a little less, er, restrained than the usual stuff. I just wanted to try something a little different because I thought it was complete turd.

Anyway, now that all that is out of the way, moving swiftly on to relevant games. Recently I've been playing The Sims 3, Prototype and Red Faction: Guerilla, all really very good games that will all be getting the usual treatment (the draft for Prototype has already been done, expect that first). I've also picked up the Transformers 2 game recently. No idea why I did that, but unsurprisingly it's balls so far. Whodathunkit?

So that's what you can expect from me in the coming weeks, and hopefully some other stuff (you might have seen some satirical articles earlier this month, more on those tomorrow).

Sorry for the delay!

Tom

Game Review: X-Men Origins: Wolverine [Uncaged Edition]

2009-06-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

With the summer blockbusters making their appearances on the big screen the line up of naff movie tie-in games drag themselves onto the shelves, as developers try to cash in on six months of half hearted work by slapping a license on the cover. You'd be forgiven for dismissing most of them without a second thought - such as the upcoming and inevitably poor Gears of War rip-off Terminator Salvation - but then there's a chance you'll miss out of one of the rare gems that the franchise flogging produces. It's the first of the summer blockbusters, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, that has surprisingly spawned one of the better movie tie-in games - specifically it's Uncaged Edition.

Wasting absolutely no time throwing you into the fray, X-Men Origins: Wolverine begins as Wolverine's helicopter is shot down over Africa and you're forced to skydive sans parachute through a barrage of gunfire and oncoming missiles, before slamming into the jungle below miraculously unscathed and unsheathing the iconic metal (well, bone at the moment) claws. It's a fantastic opening, instantly grabbing you by the balls and launching you straight into the nitty gritty - the combat.

Combat revolves around the three familiar moves - light, heavy and grab attacks - and chaining them for different combos. It's fairly simple, mostly just a case of mashing the light attack button before finishing with a heavy attack, but it's incredibly stylish and flows brilliantly, and with the gradual addition of Lunge and Rage attacks the combat remains surprisingly varied throughout. If you have fond memories of playing through the likes of Ninja Gaiden II, then you'll feel right at home.

Then X-Men Origins: Wolverine puts a dark, blood red cherry on top. The game's Uncaged Edition boasts the kind of brutality and gore unheard of in the typical, family friendly movie tie-ins, and it's absolutely brilliant. Watching as Wolverine mercilessly tears his enemy in two is incredibly satisfying, and with cinematic camera angles and excellently timed slow-motion sequences it's rarely going to become boring. So with it's flowing, satisfying and shamelessly brutal combat, X-Men Origins will genuinely make you feel like iconic mutant. And it's a brilliant feeling.

Well, it's a brilliant feeling when you're against the variety of standard enemies the game will throw at you, but once you come up to a boss fight everything comes crashing back down into typical tie-in mediocrity. They're mind numbingly repetitive, with every boss fight playing out exactly the same way - dodge, lunge, hack, repeat - and with each boss boasting massive health you'll probably spend a good five minutes using that same combination of moves over and over again. Because dealing with bosses is a more a test of graft than skill, when they finally do buckle there's no sense of accomplishment whatsoever, just the disappointment of knowing that the five or ten minutes you spent lunging onto that thing's back could have been better spent cutting someone's face off.

While the boss fights will always be repetitive, there's enough of other elements in X-Me Origins: Wolverine to keep the rest of the gameplay relatively fresh. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to have been as much effort put into these sections as there was into the combat.

The big secondary elements is the Tomb Raider style platforming and puzzle solving, which mostly takes place during the Africa-based missions. It's competent, but that's it. There's just nothing exciting about it; the puzzles are very simple and Wolverine's movement - in stark contrast to his fighting style - lacks the kind of flair that made other platformers more enjoyable. It's fairly bland and the puzzles and challenges are blatantly replicated, but it helps to keep the combat fresh. It's just a shame they couldn't put a little more effort into it.

Not wanting to undermine the mediocre reputation of movie tie-ins by making something decent, X-Men Origins then throws quick time events and even a dodgy vehicle section into the mix. Fortunately the vehicle section is only a few minutes long, although that just asked questions of why it was included in the first place as it's not necessary for the development and it's barely challenging or even fun, it's as if they threw it in just to kill time before unleashing you on some more hapless soldiers. The quick time events, while visually impressive, feel even more restrictive than usual after experiencing the game's free-flowing combat.

There are a couple of unlockables in X-Men: Origins, but they're not the kind that will keep you coming back for more. With the storyline being so linear (and also fairly short) the hard mode you'll unlock on completion probably isn't going to encourage another play through. Neither are the costumes to unlock, as expectedly the novelty for them wears of very quickly.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine will go down as one of the better movie tie-ins, but even then it's still barely rising above average. The combat is the only real plus point with everything else feeling half-arsed and tedious by comparison, and combined with it's linearity and lack of replayability this is a rental at most. Still, if you want the sensation of being Wolverine, this is definitely the best place to get it.

Summary: While pretty much everything is fairly lacklustre, the combat in X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Uncaged Edition makes what would otherwise be a bland movie tie-in an enjoyable, dynamic and highly brutal experience.

Game Review: Street Fighter IV

2009-06-27T15:54:00.001-07:00

If you've ever had a relationship with games during your life, chances are that you've had an affair with Capcom's Street Fighter series. Whether you remember spending your youth slotting coin after coin into arcade machines because you were only one near-impossible fight away from facing the final boss or muting the TV because you were playing long past your bedtime, fond memories of this arcade fighter will have resurfaced from the back of your mind when the latest addition to the classic series, Street Fighter IV, arrived to the Xbox 360. But how does the daddy of arcade fighters compare to the young upstarts of the later generations?

Everything looks to be shaping up nicely thanks to the awesome introduction, as old favourites from the Street Fighter roster show off the fancy new art style with even fancier moves. As you recognise iconic fighters from the series you'll marvel as their new moves splatter the screen with paint and bursts of colour, and salivate at the prospect of joining the fights yourself.

When you get into the fight, everything feels very familiar. Very little has changed since the original Street Fighter over twenty years ago. It's still the classic 2-dimensional gameplay that made the series famous, with all the characters and moves from the older games as well as all the new characters, stages and special moves that you'd expect from a sequel. Even though it's essentially the same game from twenty years ago, the new moves and superb graphics keep it surprisingly fresh, at least until you begin the frustrating process of actually trying out the fancy new techniques.

Pulling off anything more flamboyant than a timid poke can be among the most fiddly and frustrating experiences imaginable. Instead of the A, B X and Y combinations used by other fighters, combinations and special moves in Street Fighter are mostly done by flicking the thumbstick in various different directions. This sounds fine in theory because it worked back in Street Fighter's arcade days, but in practice it doesn't really work. Unlike the stocky joysticks of old, the 360's thumbsticks are just too slippery to pull of the movements needed for most of the combos, so unless you're lucky or very, very patient (which you're most likely not, because you're playing Street Fighter IV), most matches are going to make you feel like Alfie Patten fumbling for the clitoris rather than a hardcore Street Fighter.

Without the flashy moves, Street Fighter feels slow and clunky. With only the occasional fluky Hadouken to add spark to three rounds of sloppy kicks and failed grabs, even playing versus with a friend can be a repetitive and dull experience. This isn't something you can dip in and out of and really enjoy, so unless you're willing to plough hours of your life into learning the moves and experimenting with the characters it's probably not going to be as fun as other fighters.

But if you do take the time to get into Street Fighter IV, you're going to find that it's time well spent, as Street Fighter has a level of depth that other fighters just don't have. Fights will become faster and unpredictable as you learn the strategies and special moves, and everything will feel so much more satisfying than it did when you first picked up the controller and fumbled your way to victory. It's time consuming but genuinely rewarding, and you're going to be getting so much more from Street Fighter if you're a little patient with it.

The patience needed to master the tricks of Street Fighter will come in handy for when you attempt the single player modes. Not because they're particularly long, just because resisting the urge to hurl your Xbox, controller and television out of the window after the final boss beats you to a bloody pulp for the umpteenth time in a row is going to require the patience of a saint, and unless you've got your head round the flicky, fiddly combinations this game is going to relentlessly kick your ass until you're left in a broken mess, sobbing in the corner of your bedroom as the television taunts you with yet another hilarious bad win quote and mocking countdown. Again, it's not the sort of thing you can dip in and out of and really enjoy, but if you're willing to persevere with the challenge you'll get so much more satisfaction from it.

So, despite the franchise's iconic status, Street Fighter IV is still going to divide opinion. The fiddly controls, sloppy fights and seemingly unassailable difficulty curve are going to be a real turn off for some. But for others, the nostalgic glee of chaining Shoryukens before blowing away their rival with an Ultra combo is going to be the most satisfying feeling in the world. It all depends what you want from a game like this; if you want an arcade fighter that can be picked up every month or so then Street Fighter IV isn't bad, but you'd probably have more fun with something else. However, if you want to spend hours mastering an in-depth fighter with a variety of characters, moves and challenges, this is probably the best one out there. Now you just have to work up the courage to leave your mum's basement and go outside to buy it.

Summary: Street Fighter IV successfully brings the franchise out of the cold, dank hole of HD remakes and into the next generation, but pretty colours won't mask the fiddly controls and insane difficulty that will likely put off most players outside the hardcore crowd.

Game Review: Resident Evil 5

2009-06-27T15:52:00.000-07:00

Before I sink my teeth into the jugular of Resident Evil 5 it's only fair that you all know exactly whose opinion you're about to read (or skim over to quickly check the score, either way). This is all coming from someone who has not only never played any of the Resident Evil series before this, but who has not even bothered to play this one all the way through. So if the idea of reading the opinions of a jaded and overly cynical misanthrope appeals to you then by all means read on, but if you'd rather ignore them because said misanthrope didn't do his homework properly, then you might as well stop round about now.

So then, Resident Evil 5 is the latest instalment in Capcom's highly successful survival horror series. At least that's what I've been told, because from where I'm standing (or rather sitting, typing furiously) it doesn't seem anything like the latest instalment in a survival horror series. Rather it seems like the fat, clumsy, wannabe action hero cousin of the series, that has deluded itself into thinking that because it shares the name of the older generations it's capable of achieving the same tension and horror that they could. It can't.

The obvious reason for Resident Evil 5 being incapable of spooking anyone old enough to cross the road by themselves is that it makes the same mistake that every other developer trying to redefine horror makes: putting you in the body of a heavily muscled agent carrying a large and fully loaded machine gun. For some reason developers don't seem to clue onto the fact that no matter what kind of horrors they think of, it's not going to be scary if we're handed an assault rifle and a handful of grenades. Thanks to Resident Evil 5 performing the same dick move, any potential horror elements are instantly dismissed as protagonist Chris Redfield grabs hold of his mighty weapon and fires a load in it's face. Shortly before shooting it with his gun.

The blame doesn't lie completely with the lousy choice of protagonist, because it's not as if anything in Resident Evil 5 could ever qualify as proper horror anyway. As it turns out the "Fear you can't forget" is usually a bunch of African blokes (or occasionally African dogs) with garden tools who exhibit a strange tendency to grow tentacles from their mouth. Once you remember just how white your burly, gun-toting protagonist is, it becomes very easy to mistake Resident Evil 5 for a glorified retelling of Apartheid, and as soon as you start making similar connections connections every politically incorrect fibre of your being is going to find the experience hilarious rather than unforgettably terrifying.

By carelessly throwing the survival horror aspect aside Resident Evil 5 forces itself into becoming a third person shooter, something which it isn't terribly good at. Emphasis on the terribly. Actually, just get rid of the "good" altogether and stick with terrible. Yeah, that sounds about right.

"Terrible" might sound harsh, but there's so much wrong with Resident Evil 5 that it's totally warranted. Character movement, or lack of it, is a good place to start, with Chris Redfield's hulking upper body doing little to disguise the fact that his legs don't work properly. Don't get me wrong, he's rather good at walking in a straight line but once he finds himself in a more difficult scenario - such as walking around a corner - he slows right down, a particularly unhelpful trait when there's ten or twenty tentacle-faced Africans threatening you with spades.

You could always try shooting the Africans before you take on the dreaded and almighty corner, but there's a problem with that too; Chris Redfield can't move and shoot at the same time. Maybe dynamic shooting is something they forgot to teach in super-secret-anti-biohazard-terrorist-agent boot camp, or maybe it's just representational of how Chris Redfield is the last bastion of defence for the white man against the rabid indigenous populace. Either way it's completely broken from a gameplay perspective, further restricting the already embarrassingly clunky movement and robbing Resident Evil 5 of any pace it may have had. Yes, I realise that all the other Resident Evils played in the same way, and that if 5 didn't perform this seemingly obligatory fan service then there'd be an outcry from the fatter, nerdier, mother's-basement-dwelling portion of the fanbase who'd claim it "just wasn't Resident Evil". But if anything that just highlights how dated the series has become if Capcom, in their ineptitude (or reluctance to lose fan's tongues from their backsides), haven't changed it in the thirteen years since it's debut.

The inventory isn't exactly intuitive either. Once again you're forced to stand still and watch as the locals gather foaming at the tentacles, except now you're not even capable of fighting back because Chris is too busy rummaging through his pockets to do anything else. Once he finally does find what he's looking for he then takes a little bit more time to decide what he actually wants to do with it, although by this time it doesn't really matter because half of his body has already been digested.

Fortunately there's always your partner (who for some reason is named after the midget spaceman from Pikmin) to occasionally provide a distraction while you fumble around with aiming or rummaging. Unfortunately she's utterly useless and spends most of her time either wasting ammo that you've graciously collected for her or getting in the way. Unless you've blackmailed a friend into playing co-op then her only real use is as a pack mule, although doing that requires you to fiddle with the horribly unintuitive inventory again, which nobody in their right mind would want to do.

In case you haven't yet figured out what I'm driving at here, let me be clear: Resident Evil 5 is a bad game. Everything about it - movement, shooting, inventory, dialogue, camera, whatever - is either clunky, dated, unintuitive or a combination of all three. There simply isn't anything about it that could possibly convince me to recommend it to anyone, at least not anyone I liked. The only people who might get something out of this are the fans, but it's not like I need to tell them that. They've already beaten it twice and are now spending their evenings re-watching the cutscenes for the hundredth time while tentatively rubbing themselves with a Jill Valentine action figure. Until they read this of course. Then they're coming to kill me. Good news is they have to stand perfectly still when they try to attack, so maybe I can get a head start.

Summary: The series' debut on the new generation plays like it belongs on the old ones. Capcom needs to stop catering for the fans, otherwise their next release is just going to be as dated and disappointing as this one.

Game Review: Halo Wars

2009-06-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

Back in 2007, Sid Meier's Civilization Revolution proved to the world that there was still a place on consoles for strategy games. Now it's time for Ensemble, the brains behind the hugely successful Age of Empires series, to flex their development muscle. The result of their efforts is Halo Wars which, while many will cynically dismiss as a lacklustre attempt to flog the Halo cash piñata, they've actually made work remarkably well.

With the limitations of the 360 controller, Ensemble needed to come up with a control scheme that was not only simple, but versatile, and they've done just that. Basic commands - such as unit selection and movement - can be executed quickly with the A or X buttons, with other buttons being used for quick navigation of the map, squad selection or to access each unit's unique abilities. Researching new technologies or training squads is equally smooth, thanks to the intuitive wheel menus. It may not be as quick as a keyboard and mouse but this genuinely is the next best thing, and developers are going to struggle to come up with a system that works better than this.

Although, while Halo Wars leaps cleanly over the first hurdle, it begins to struggle a little when it comes to actual gameplay for one simple reason; they've forgotten to include any strategy beyond building a ton of units and setting them loose on an enemy base. Besides deciding which units to train and upgrade - a decision that will always revolve around "what is the biggest thing I can afford" - there isn't any thinking involved. The absolute lack of decent strategy means that the difficulty curve bounces around like a hyperactive Grunt on a jackhammer, with easier levels - where everything can be researched, trained or built very quickly - being insultingly easy while slightly harder - and therefore slower building - levels mercilessly kick your ass around the map before you can utter a single defeatist "Wort".

Halo Wars takes a stumble again with it's different factions, or in this case it's lack of. While each of the two factions (the UNSC and the Covenant, if you hadn't already guessed) have three different leaders, there aren't enough significant differences between these leader's unique units or abilities to give the gameplay any real variation. There's room for at least two other factions - the Flood and Sentinels - without even stretching the Halo mythology, and with both making appearances in the campaign it's hard to figure out why Ensemble chose to limit the playable factions when it's clearly something that could have been expanded.

The leaders themselves - the Covenant ones, to be precise - also present balance issue. Unlike their UNSC counterparts, Covenant leaders have a powerful physical presence on the battlefield as soon as the game begins and are easily able to single handedly defeat any quickly-assembled army you can muster. On top of that, there is no limit to have often they can use their special ability; while most units or leaders have to wait for their special abilities to recharge, Covenant leaders can use theirs so long as resources are high enough. Considering there are buildings that constantly replenish resources, these incredibly powerful abilities can be used indefinitely, which doesn't so much tilt the balance as completely flip it on it's head.

While there is little else wrong with the Skirmish mode, Halo War's Campaign decides to bring along a couple of extra problems. The obvious one is the lack of Covenant; despite there being more than enough opportunities to weave a few Covenant missions into the story (à la Halo 2) they're never playable during the solo campaign, before being pushed to the side at the end to make way for the Flood. It's difficult to see why they've been left out because while including the Covenant wouldn't have done much to vary the core "build as many big things as you can" gameplay, it could have given an otherwise insubstantial campaign some much needed extra length.

Perhaps the Covenant's absence from the Campaign wouldn't have been so noticeable if the UNSC weren't restricted so often. Unlike Skirmish, which allows you to freely build however many big things you can afford, Campaign randomly chops and changes what it will allow you to train. One of the best features about classics real-time strategy campaigns - including Age of Empires - was having you effort and time rewarded by unlocking new units and technologies as you advanced, but Halo War's habit of giving and taking with each new mission is as irritating as it is pointless.

It's easy to see where Ensemble went wrong with Halo Wars; in trying to achieve something new on the console, they've gone and forgotten what actually makes a strategy game fun. Variety, balance, and even actual strategy has been pushed to the side of the drawing board to make room for accessibility, leaving a game that, while simple to grasp, is otherwise shallow and basic. Still, purely by creating controls that work, Ensemble have proven that there is very much a future for the genre on the console. Let's just hope whoever decides to bring the next strategy game to the console puts a little more thought into the gameplay.

Summary: A promising step forward for the genre on consoles, Halo Wars handles well, although this doesn't do much to disguise what is ultimately a shallow, repetitive and unsatisfactory experience.

Natal bends down and picks up honours at Game Critic awards

2009-06-23T17:52:00.000-07:00

Microsoft's newly announced Project Natal has won Best Hardware/Peripheral of E3 2009 at the Game Critics Awards.

Natal has caused a stir among the gaming community since it's announcement at E3 earlier this month, and Microsoft's Creative Director of European Studios, Peter Molyneux (seen here revealing how many inches his ears add to the width of his head), was only too willing to blurt out details about Microsoft's ambitions for the project.

"We're going to revolutionise gaming as we know it." claimed Molyneux. "Right now games are played with a controller, but with Natal we can remove that. Imagine being able to play through Fable 2 purely by twitching your eyebrows. That's the kind of thing we're aiming towards."

Another success story from the award ceremony was DS game Scribblenauts. The Little Big Planet imitator picked up the award for Best Original Game, with the irony sadly lost on the voting American editors.

Bleszinski to "Nintendo" the Gears franchise

2009-06-19T04:46:00.000-07:00

Developer Cliff Bleszinski has made it clear that he intends to milk the Gears of War franchise for all it's worth.

Bleszinski, seen here posing for the Game Developer Douchebags of America calender in which he features as ten of the months, says that there have "Only been two identical Gears of War games so far" and that there is room on the market for three, or maybe even four even more identical instalments in the popular franchise.

"There is still a lot of things you can do in a cover based shooter." claimed Bleszinski. "There are a lot of melee weapons that we haven't even thought of glueing onto a gun yet.". Bleszinski went on to say that there are "still lots of stories to tell in the Gears universe" while clutching a rented copy of Starship Troopers 3: Marauder and cheekily winking to nearby development staff.

One interviewer, who dared to suggest that Bleszinski might be milking the franchise to satisfy his monumental ego, was quickly silenced as Cliffy B aimed a rubber Lancer at the protester, shouting "Pew Pew Pew you're dead". Security escorting the protester off the premises as the developer held the Lancer aloft and made triumphant revving noises with his mouth, before swaggering off to go buy another girly earring.

Obama condemned by PETA after fly swatting

2009-06-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

PETA have criticised US President Barack Obama for his brutal murdering of a fly

The spotlight-loving animal rights activists have branded the President as "inhumane" after he performed a grievous act of violence on the insect.

The assault was performed during an interview with CNBC's John Harwood, where Obama can clearly be seen taking a swipe, exclaiming "Quit flying up in ma face, yo", with the fly dropping to the ground moments later. Obama then went on to boast "Take that sucka!" before continuing with the interview as if nothing had happened.

The swipe itself was described by onlookers as "something between a karate chop and a full on pimp slap". Vice President Joe Biden went on to say the action was "wickedy wickedy fly, yo", before putting a baseball cap on backwards, sauntering up to the President and offering some "big up respec'" for his lightning-fast strike.

However, it appears PETA have taken offence at Obama's inhumane and reckless actions, even going as far to say that the President's fly swatting was "borderline psychopathic". Spokesman Bruce Freidrich protested against the swat, claiming that "flies are people too, and they should be treated with just as much respect as another human being" and that Obama's actions "would only further encourage abuse towards insects.".

Freidrich then went on to say that Obama would be forgiven by the organisation if he laid a dookie on the steps of the White House and "allowed nearby flies to feast upon it without threat of violence", although White House security deemed the chances of this happening were "unlikely", due to the high probability of someone attempting to steal the faeces and sell it on eBay.

BNP leader Nick Griffin claims crusty jugglers shouldn't get what's coming to 'em

2009-06-17T23:24:00.000-07:00

Following a BNP attack on a group of Romanian Gypsies in Belfast yesterday, Nick Griffin has both condemned and defended the actions of supporters of his party.

Griffin said of the event that "No one wants to see any person attacked, and that any right-minded person would condemn the attacks.". He then went on to add that "The bastards shouldn't have been here in the first place, and they're all criminals anyway.".

It's an action that comes just as the BNP were attempting to further establish themselves as a respectable political party in the wake of their election victories in the North West and Yorkshire, although Nick Griffin stated he was confident that the party's reputation would not be significantly hindered by this because anyone thick enough to not know the BNP's immigration policy of "Bricks and velocity" is too busy ranting about the MP's expenses scandal that nobody really cares about any more.

This attack by the BNP on a group of gypsies in a church follows a day after an article on the BNP website that has dubbed a former Labour minister a "racist thug". Nick Griffin then went on to defend his concept of irony, stating that it was "Like rain on your wedding day".

NASA decide that Moon doesn't have enough craters.

2009-06-17T03:12:00.000-07:00

A team of NASA scientists have decided to make their jobs more interesting by blowing a massive chunk out of the Moon.

The team, led by Kimberly Ennico, have finally gotten bored of staring at the same floating rock in space every day, and instead of finding something worthwhile to do have opted to just make another great big hole in it.

Kimberly Ennico said of the billion dollar undertaking: "There is only so much of the Moon a team of scientists can really look at, and after a while it becomes a little tedious. Imagine watching paint dry, except the paint is several hundred-thousand miles away and has been dry for several decades. We're just trying to make our lives a little more interesting.".

She then went on to meet criticism of the expensive endeavour by claiming that "There might be some water up there", because apparently the colossal and inexhaustible supply of water on the Earth's surface doesn't quite cut it any more.

Despite some criticism, many scientists have joined Ms Ennico in defending the act, stating that not only would it be "seriously fucking cool, man", but are also convinced that this action will further confirm whether or not the Moon is in fact made of cheese, and if so what kind.

"A few large chunks would probably suggest some kind of cheddar, while a sprinkling or crumbly residue would point towards something like feta or parmesan." claimed one scientist, who later insisted that current study has proven it "wouldn't be any of that poncey blue shit.".

Blog post thing.

2009-06-15T06:05:00.000-07:00

Just to quickly prove to myself that this time I'm actually going to stick with something I claimed to be doing, I'm serving up the first slice of meaningless drivel - without proper spell checking or anything. I'm living dangerously, baby.

So Friday I had an Editorial Writing exam, which is basically where the exam board sends you two packs on two random topics they've chosen (I'm assuming the "random article" button on Wikipedia is involved somewhere in their decision making process) and then ask you to write a 1000-word piece on it, which can be in pretty much any style. It's basically their way of fucking with you - you can be asked to write anything about anything - so properly researching the two packs is very important preparation.

But being naturally lazy, I didn't do that. Instead it was more a case of picking up the packs two days late, quickly deciding which one to do (a choice between Senior Fitness or Twin Peaks, a cult television show from the 90s, didn't seem like a tough call at the time) and then just highlighting the fuck out of thirty pages of words. So, there was me tottering into the exam hall with a thick wedge of luminous pink paper thinking "A-ha, I'm well prepared for this", just before the questions bitch-slap me into reality and I spend two and a half hours trying to remember what Radio 2 is like so I can write a script for it.

I couldn't help but think "Maybe I should have done the other one" all the way through, which just made me realise how lazy I was. It wasn't "Maybe I should prepare both", no. Either way my choice had to include some sort of apathy towards something. I suppose I should have tried to look at both, but even though they were so different I'd have still gotten them confused. All through the exam I'd have had this image in my head of an old woman doing star jumps while her Twin Peaks bounced lazily up and down like sad melons in plastic bags. No thanks.

Still, the weekend following it was good, spent Saturday celebrating my girlfriend's 19th and Sunday dorking it up on the 360 while she stole my room to revise, with the occasional break to clean up puppy piss. Wouldn't have minded it so much if he didn't look so proud of himself when he saw me cleaning it up, almost as if he was gloating. Or maybe he was just expecting me to feed him cheese. Either way he decided it was a good idea to galavant off with all the kitchen roll and trail it around the house before leaving a shapely turd on the doormat. Aren't puppies adorable?

So yeah, that was the last three days of my relatively uneventful life. Hopefully it'll get more interesting as I keep writing this - or I'll at least be able to throw in enough cock gags to make it semi-enjoyable. In the mean time, try not to hurl too much abuse. I'm new to this stuff and still figuring out the kinks.

Oh yeah, uploading the Halo Wars review tonight when I get back from work, so that'll be up in...er...some hours.

Update - four reviews next week, other stuff, blah blah blah

2009-06-11T14:35:00.000-07:00

Since I've been holding back all reviews for the last four months while waiting for this new site everything I've done has become pretty out of date - not to mention a total lack of motivation on my part because of the "well if nobody's reading it I don't have to write it" thoughts that go through my mind every time I sit down to do anything mildly creative or critical - so I've decided to just crack on with stuff now and go back to posting things on here.

The reviews I've managed to get done are (I'm actually straining to remember as I type this) Halo Wars, Resident Evil 5, Street Fighter IV and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I know, four in four months is pretty shit, but now that I've got some proper incentive to write (that somebody will actually be reading it now) I should be able to get a few more done.

Immediate stuff I've got planned are two full game reviews - Red Faction: Guerilla (which is class, by the way) and Prototype (picking that up tomorrow) - and a DLC review - Fable 2's See The Future, which I might as well just copy paste from the Knothole Island review and replace certain words.

Keep meaning to get back into films but because I'm working now (hurray, money) it's a bit of a faff finding time during the week, and obviously weekends I spend with my girlfriend, who's not always that bothered about going to the cinema. Will try and get back into that over summer, as well as TV.

Also, while I've got time on my hands I might as well start doing actual blogging, instead of just updating a couple of times a week with "By the way I'm writing this". Most of it will be totally pointless, but I'll try and get a few laughs out of it. Besides, it's all good practise!

Right, that's me done, I'm off to highlight some more stuff for an exam tomorrow - which is going to be the first time I've had to wake up early in the morning for a good few months. Sad times, man.

Cheers for reading this, sorry for the delay, more stuff coming soon, yada yada yada.

Two reviews finished

2009-03-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

Both Halo Wars and Resident Evil 5 reviews have been finished now, they'll definitely be up on the new site.

I'm currently working my way through the new Fallout 3 content The Pitt, if I get that done before the site goes up then you'll get that and Operation Anchorage as a kind of double header.

I've also got Street Fighter IV, I've been dipping in and out of that and must say I'm warming to it. That should be done, as well.

Everything else is a bit up in the air at the moment, but I'll try and get round to playing and writing about some other games and films before everything is up and running. Should be fun!

See you soon

Tom

Double Whoops

2009-03-14T14:58:00.000-07:00

I feel a little silly posting this, since just at the beginning of the month I was babbling on about playing catch up and getting all these new reviews done, so I guess I need to explain things.

With Heroes, a general dislike of the show (if you haven't already guessed) and apathy to writing about it has kind of held me up. Not really an excuse, I know, so I'll pull my finger out and get all of them done next week.

As for games, I actually have a decent excuse. At some point in the near future, I'll be writing for a shiny new games website, and for the time being I'm holding all game reviews back until it's launched, so that we have a decent amount of content for the grand unveiling. In the meantime I'm working on reviews for Halo Wars, Street Fighter IV, Resident Evil 5 and HAWX, so you've got all that to skip to the end and check the score of. Yay.

In film news, I'll be seeing Hush on Monday, that will be getting the usual treatment.

So yeah, just and update to let you all know I'm actually doing stuff. Sorry for the delay, but you'll get a bunch of reviews at once to hopefully make up for it.

Cheers,

Tom

Game Review: F.E.A.R 2

2009-03-08T03:53:00.000-07:00

Will you fear Alma again?

Following a couple of expansions on the original, the first true sequel to 2006's F.E.A.R - innovatively titled F.E.A.R 2 - has made it's way onto the 360. Could it reach the high standards of the critically acclaimed original, or like so many other sequels would it fail to live up to it's predecessor's success?

F.E.A.R 2 doesn't waste much time before hurling you head first into the action. As mute Delta Force operative Michael Becket, you're immediately tasked with rescuing Genevieve Aristide from a group of mercenaries, without really explaining who she is or why people would be attacking her, probably assuming that you've already played through F.E.A.R and it's expansions and know exactly what's going on.

The action itself is decent, although if you've played any other big name shooter on the 360 this is going to feel very familiar. F.E.A.R 2 attempts to do nothing new with the first person shooting; the weapons have simply been nicked from other games and re-skinned, enemies are typical grunting cannon fodder and your squad isn't much better, and just about every possible level cliché has been included, each one playing exactly the same. A bland experience isn't helped by the almost absolute lack of challenge. Not only will you be falling over ammunition and health packs for the entire game, but the enemy AI is incredibly simple - a real disappointment, considering how the original F.E.A.R's AI was so widely praised in the past.

Oh look, another corridor. At least this one has windows.

Occasionally F.E.A.R 2 will attempt to liven things up with a brief stint in an indestructible mechanical suit. While being given a mechanical suit with massive machine guns, rocket launchers and unlimited ammo doesn't do the weak difficulty curve any favours, it at least does what it sets out to do: quicken the pace and bring a little more spark to an otherwise lacking single player. But even these brief sequences stink of plagiarism, specifically the end of Gears Of War 2 when you ride the Brumak, and subsequently serve as a reminder of how much better some other shooters were.

What place do massive mechanical death machines have in a horror-themed shooter, anyway?

But, despite being a generic and, more often than not a repetitive shooter, F.E.A.R's renowned slow-motion combat does a lot to keep the latest instalment in the series entertaining. The satisfaction of watching the gas tank on the back of an enemy soldier slowly exploding and engulfing all surrounding soldiers in fire will always be there. Although, even though time manipulation is still one of the coolest (if not slightly over used) mechanics, it only weakens the already feeble challenge that F.E.A.R 2 presents. It certainly doesn't help F.E.A.R live up to it's name, either.

The horror elements of F.E.A.R 2's gameplay are, like the rest of it, a little bland. Apart from the occasional jumpy moment - which has the edge almost completely taken off by a near reactionary use of the slow-time mechanic - there's barely anything to it. There's very little, if any, suspense thanks to the apparently scary moments being both predictable and unsubtle. What developers Monolith don't seem to have grasped is that a couple of jumpy moments and some mildly hilarious gore doesn't constitute as real horror, which is a little sad considering that their bedraggled little mascot Alma was the perfect foundation for something genuinely terrifying (see El Orfanato for details).

It would have helped if they'd kept Alma as a child, instead of just making her a zombie cat lady.

It doesn't help that the alternation between horror and straight-up shooter is so clunky. You'll never experience both elements simultaneously, and with F.E.A.R 2 gently easing you into each supposedly horrific moment with the same dull process each time it's going to lose any possible chance of spooking you very, very quickly.

Once the story comes to it's unintentionally hilarious close all that's left in F.E.A.R 2 is the class-based multiplayer which is, well, bad. There's no other word for it. Having seen the criticism of the 360's big multiplayer shooters, all I can say is this - play F.E.A.R 2 online, because you don't know just how good you have it. It's understandable that with Xbox Live developers have an obligation to stitch on a multiplayer, but doing so regardless of how bad it will end up being is a complete waste of time, and that's exactly what F.E.A.R 2's multiplayer is.

Despite all criticism, F.E.A.R 2 is still not a particularly bad game. What it is is another generic shooter that began with a decent concept but, by trying to do or outdo what other successful console shooters have achieved, ended up forgetting to focus on what it was trying to achieve in the first place. Simply put: there are better shooters out there than F.E.A.R 2, which you can now pick up for a lot cheaper. This is a rental, at most.

6/10

On the plus side, this is the only shooter on the 360 that has you get laid at the end. Take that, Call of Duty.

Can't help but wonder why they didn't just call in Supernanny - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Film Review: Watchmen

2009-03-06T14:09:00.000-08:00

Will you watch the Watchmen?

There have been a few warning lights going off in my head every time the Watchmen film has been mentioned in the recent months. For a start, any film that's advertising campaign constantly reminds us of it being based on "the celebrated graphic novel of all time" was a reminder of all the other book to blockbuster adaptations that were commercially successful but otherwise stinking of mediocrity. Then there's the same adverts boasting that it's from Zack Snyder, the "visionary director" of the pretty but otherwise insubstantial graphic-novel based 300. Could the Watchmen prove any doubts false, and live up to the hype it's built up for itself over the past few months?

Everything starts off with a fairly loud bang when a retired costumed hero, known as The Comedian, is brutally murder by an unknown, but very well choreographed, assassin. It's a good start, but after this nothing significant really happens for well over an hour, leaving the opening half of the film feeling a little drawn out.

It's a good while into the film before everything starts kicking off, when the flesh starts coming out and the asses start getting kicked. There's enough bare arse on show to give the pre-pubescent bandwagon jumpers a trouser rocket for a week, provided they don't start prematurely leaking fuel as soon as the boobs get their few seconds of screen time. And of course there are the lovely fight sequences, which naturally look terrific thanks to Snyder's use of slow-motion, a technique used to great effect previously in 300. Where there is plot development it's not nearly as drawn out, giving Watchmen a much faster pace than earlier on. If only it had been like this for the first hour or so.

When it finally does come to a close, the ending of Watchmen is surprisingly satisfying, as it runs through the various flashbacks and seemingly insignificant remarks made by various characters and links them all together. As it turns out, there is still a fair amount of scenes that has no effect on the ending and could have easily been trimmed to keep Watchmen's pace up for longer, but since most of it seems at least slightly relevant, it's not all bad in hindsight.

So while Watchmen's story isn't too bad, albeit a little drawn out, it is the Watchmen themselves that make the film. The selection of unconventional and surprisingly original characters are well portrayed and are suitably complex, but by far the most interesting is the lead, Rorschach. The flannel-faced vigilante is just brilliant, ruthless and complex in equal measure, and as dark as the weird moving blotches on his mask. Maybe it's the trilby, maybe it's the coat, maybe it's the mask, or it could just be the gruff voice coming from it, but Rorschach is easily one of the best vigilantes ever to grace the big screen.

That said, while Watchmen is far from being a bad film, it's not about to shoot to the top of the "must see" list for 2009. The execution is generally pretty good; it's well choreographed, performed, and filmed, but it's just too long, and doesn't have enough going on to keep it entertaining for the whole three hours. It just begs the question why they didn't bin a couple of scenes from the final cut, considering they were willing to cut some of the scenes from the graphic novel. But still, overall it's an entertaining and near spectacular looking film, highly recommended if you're a comic book nerd looking for a darker take on the costumed hero genre.

3/5

A dirty mind may make Rorschach's flannel ink mildly hilarious.

Does not have a blue radioactive penis, but it will give you cancer. Wait, hang on - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Game Content Review: Grand Theft Auto IV: The Lost and Damned

2009-03-04T03:52:00.000-08:00

Last year Grand Theft Auto IV deservedly took it's place among the greatest games of the new generation, so it's unsurprising that the first set of additional content - The Lost and Damned - has received as much, if not more hype than most of the full games released so far this year. It's hardly unwarranted; pretty much everything that this series touches turns to gold, and 360 owners had similar expectations from Rockstar's latest offering.

With Rockstar describing The Lost and Damned's story as being "better than most modern media", you'd be forgiven for thinking that they'd let the success of Grant Theft Auto IV go to their head. But, to be fair to them, they're not wrong; The Lost and Damned boasts a better plot than most films, not to mention games or downloadable content. While the concept of an aged biker gang touring the streets and reminiscing about the good ol' days is hardly original, the execution is mired in grit yet bathed in style, worked into the original plot perfectly, and is made near perfect by a selection of characters brimming with originality, depth, humour and, of course, casual swearing. Hell if that isn't enough, Niko Bellic even makes a couple of cameos. If you enjoyed your first visit to Liberty City, then there's no doubt you're going to love this second honeymoon.

Like Niko, new boy Johnny Klebitz just don't give a good God damn 'bout no collateral damage.

The missions are essentially more of the same. You'll do a lot of driving, a lot of shooting, and more often than not you'll end up fleeing from the entire Libery City police force at the end of it; not that there's anything wrong with this formula, it's worked fine in every Grand Theft Auto game so far. But there are one or two missions that rank up there with some of the best missions in the original game, including a high speed chase through Algonquin that includes automatic shotguns, pipe bombs, and more casualties than you can shake a stick at. A really big stick. The only problem is that, if you haven't played Grand Theft Auto IV in a while, you might want to quickly familiarise yourself with it again before you dive into The Lost and Damned, because it's not exactly forgiving. There isn't an hour long tutorial to gradually introduce you to everything, you're thrown straight back into the fire fight, which does wonders for the pace but is going to catch you off-guard if you're a little rusty.

There are a couple of new side missions, which hark back to the old days when Grand Theft Auto was all about rival gangs kicking the crap out of each other and driving around like a nutcase. There's Gang Wars, which have you and a couple of other bikers drive around shooting whichever gang happens to get in the way and is a good way of earning cash and building up the strength of your gang. Then there are races, which is the standard "checkpoints and laps" affair, except now you're armed with a bat to smack every other rider (or unfortunate pedestrian) with.

Smacking someone in the face with a bat over Xbox Live never loses it's charm.

The Lost and Damned brings it's fair share of new content to Grand Theft Auto IV. Naturally there's a new selection of weapons - including automatic pistols, a grenade launcher, and the automatic shotgun referenced earlier - all of which do their bit to vary and freshen up the gameplay without ever feeling superfluous (are you taking notes, Lionhead?). There are a couple of new activities too, including arm wrestling and air hockey, which are a nice distraction when taking a break from murdering just about everything that wanders into your crosshair. Oh yeah, and Frankie Boyle now does stand up at the comedy club, to add to the list of foul mouthed Europeans. Now all they need is a welsh man with Tourettes syndrome shagging sheep in an alleyway and they'll have a full set.

A couple of the niggling issues from Grand Theft Auto IV have been addressed, too. For a start, you're not going to get phone calls every ten minutes from people begging you to play darts, which is always good. You'll also come across guns and money much easier too, allowing you to get stuck in much quicker than before.

Possibly the best thing about The Lost and Damned is that you're really getting your moneys worth, which makes a great change from the other lacklustre downloadable content that hit the Xbox Live marketplace recently. For 1600 Microsoft points you're getting more than you'd get for most full games for less than half the price.

The Lost and Damned is among, if not the best downloadable content on the 360. Fans of Grand Theft Auto IV (which I'm assuming is pretty much everyone who played it for more than two hours) are going to find themselves immersed from the opening scene. As if I need to reiterate what you're already thinking in your heads if you've read up until now - buy it, play it, and you won't regret it.

10/10

You only have to buy this once per console, too. Seriously Lionhead, take some bloody notes.

Paid far too much attention to the penis in a cutscene - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Whoops

2009-03-03T12:43:00.000-08:00

After a really active couple of months February turned out to be a little bit slow, so I'm sorry for that. I've had coursework going on and the whole red ring o' death thing as well, so I just haven't really found the time to do stuff. Plus, the last two films I've seen were pretty damn difficult to write about, so I may have copped out and just played Call of Duty. Oops.

Good news is that I'm raring to get back on the figurative horse and I'm currently in the process of reviewing the new Grand Theft Auto IV content, the new(ish) Fallout content, and F.E.A.R 2. I'll be sure to catch up with new releases in the new couple of days and get as much written as I can.

Heroes is still on for reviews, I'll hopefully have two more of those done by the end of the week. Just a heads up: I'm not about to be nice about it. If I am nice about anything on TV, it'll be Desperate Housewives.

Oh yeah, and in case anyone is interested, I've been writing for over a year now. I started off last February with a review of Jumper, and I'm looking to celebrate this anniversary with a review of Push. I might get that done by the end of the week, if I'm happy with my progress on everything else.

Long story short: me write more.

Cheers for reading!

Tom

Why do I bother posting a link to my e-mail when there is a comments section?

I don't know man, don't ask me - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Heroes Volume 4 Episode 1 "A Clear and Present Danger"

2009-02-24T11:40:00.000-08:00

After a disappointing couple of seasons saw the ratings for Heroes steadily slip in their millions the fourth volume of the series Fugitives will be an attempt to rekindle the success of the show's first outing back in 2007. With volume three's ending giving the writers a blank slate, could they finally come up with something decent after almost two years of mediocre storytelling?

A big plus point from the start is the opening voice over - it's gone. They finally shut up. All that bollocks about gods and fate and whatever other bile they managed to make Mohinder spew in the opening thirty seconds of the show has been muted. No, it doesn't have massive ramifications on the overall quality of the show, but it's good to see that they maybe stepping away from the irritating pretentious qualities that they've had up until now. It also means I can kid myself into thinking that the big bosses at Heroes have been reading my reviews and taken it all on board. What do you mean "deluded"?

Apparently the plan Nathan pitched to the president in front of the green screen at the end of volume three went down a storm and now his operation is in full swing, starting with the capture of Tracy Strauss. Now this is the kind of thing that presses all the right buttons; who could turn their nose up at government cover ups, highly trained covert-operatives dressed as ninjas, hunting down super powered blondes wearing little but a slither of silk? It seems that Heroes has stumbled upon another decent concept and, while it has been done before, if it's executed right over the course of the next eleven episodes we could be in for a fairly entertaining season.

While the opening suitably sets the scene it doesn't quite prepare you for the excellent scenes with everyone's favourite super powered psychotic Sylar. As usual, Quinto doesn't disappoint in his portrayal as the series iconic villain, not only being strangely captivating in conversations with his estranged adoptive father but also being brilliantly ruthless when confronted by a team of covert-ops. As annoying as it is that all of Sylar's character development was binned in volume three, he's still the best of the bunch, and scenes involving him are easily the most entertaining.

And then, in typical Heroes fashion, the rest of the episode shows it up for the mediocre show it really is. As soon as Peter gets himself back on screen (he's decided that being a gun-toting action hero wasn't his kind of thing and has since returned to nursing) it all goes straight downhill, with Mohinder and Matt both making equally lacklustre and dull appearances. It would be nice on occasion if the actors tried even a little, but some of the scenes are so badly performed they almost seem dubbed. Maybe they've finally realised just how bad the writing is and stopped caring.

The episode comes to a close on what it seems to believe is a dramatic cliff hanger, although with Heroes being as predictable as it is it's not difficult to see where the next episode is going. Why they even bother with these cliff hangers is anyone's guess. We all know they're too scared of upsetting their fans to kill anyone off permanently - even Rafiki isn't properly dead, and he was decapitated - so who are they trying to fool other than themselves?

Aside from the few scenes with Sylar, the first outing of volume four chugs along clumsily. So far then, it's shaping up to be yet another clunky execution of a good concept with the occasional flash of what Heroes could be with the right minds behind it. It's just a shame that we're stuck with Tim bloody Kring.

2/5

On the plus side, I finally have something to write about on Mondays.

Should I do Desperate Housewives as well? - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Film Review: Doubt

2009-02-07T08:18:00.000-08:00

Does anyone else find it irritating when a film is left open to interpretation? Whatever happened to a good old fashioned conclusion, where the characters would get together at the end and high five their accomplishments over the course of the film? Admittedly in Doubt this wouldn't be particularly appropriate, as nuns aren't really known for their high-fiving prowess, but at least it would have left the film on a high note.

Instead your left with a film that has you chase a hundred different threads throughout, before they all tangle together in one unsatisfactory ball, leaving you to figure out which bit of string was the most significant. Which normally isn't particularly bad, but after sitting through something so drawn out and tedious a conclusive ending would have been much more rewarding.

The plot itself - if you've not already been put off - follows Sister Aloysius, the headmistress at a Bronx Catholic school, as she tries to force a local priest, Father Flynn, to admit his illicit advances on an altar boy. Aloysius' campaign against Flynn results in confrontations with just about every character, which make for the best moments in the film. Unfortunately, these better moments are separated by a ton of meaningless and boring scenes, giving Doubt the aforementioned drawn out and tedious quality that will likely turn off most cinema-goers.

Still, there's a plus side to everything, and with Doubt it's the performances, all of which are superb. Although that was obvious just from the trailer, which lists off a cast riddled with Academy Award winners and nominees. Meryl Streep is fantastic as the stern Sister Aloysius, a stark contrast to her recent role in the song-and-dance cheese-fest Mama Mia. Philip Seymour Hoffman, too, is brilliant as Father Flynn, but it doesn't seem as if he can set a foot wrong in whatever he does at the moment. Amy Adams, the only one who has not previously picked up an Academy Award, stakes her claim for one here with a wonderful performance as the timid and naive Sister James. Each one has picked up an Academy Award nomination for their respective roles, and it can be said without any doubt (come on, I had to) that they're all well deserved.

Aside from the performances, Doubt doesn't really have much going for it. While it's flecked with some fantastic and dramatic moments it remains, for the most part, a tedious hour and a half. Stick to plays next time, Shanley.

3/5
If you have seen this film and didn't spend half your time singing Stephen Lynch's 'Altar Boy', then you just don't have a sense of humour.

Got through the whole film without giggling at the word "rectory" - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

February. baby

2009-02-02T14:27:00.000-08:00

Since I've hit a giant metaphorical brick wall with this review script I figured I'd get on with updating this thing, since I've been leaving it to gather dust for a couple of days and I reckon it feels neglected and unloved.

The 360 is getting "fixed" at the moment, sent it off with UPS the other day so I'm hoping it will be back sometime during the week, so long as they're not scared of the half inch of slush on the roads. When it does come back I'm not entirely sure what I'll be reviewing for it, but I'm sure I'll find something fairly recent to sink my critiquing teeth into. That Lord of The Rings thing sounds sufficiently bad enough for me to have fun writing about.

For films...actually I can totally give you a decent update for this! That's a first, eh? This Friday I'll be seeing Doubt, which has been nominated for a fair few Academy Awards if I remember right. Then it's Vicky Christina Barcelona the Friday after, a kind of romantic Spanish thing which likely contains too many sex scenes for me to comfortably watch it when surrounded by the middle aged women that usually frequent my favourite cinema, so I'm expecting an uncomfortable few hours of nervously crossing my legs and trying to cough myself limp.

I'll also be seeing The Class at the end of the month but that leaves a fortnight in which there isn't really anything I'm that bothered about seeing. So, if there's anything at the cinema that you're not too sure about seeing, give me a nudge in the comments section and I'll give it a thought.

TV wise, there isn't really that much I'm bothered about watching. I might do an episode-by-episode thing for Skins building up to the video review - which is coming along nicely - but apart from that I'm not sure. There just doesn't seem to be anything worth watching on.

Anyway, another month, another update. Now I have to find another way to kill some time. I've heard good things about drying paint.

Cheers,

Tom

Oh, I should probably start doing coursework too... yeah right

May or may not have eaten yellow snow by accident - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Film Review: Revolutionary Road

2009-01-31T02:29:00.000-08:00

A reunited Winslett and DiCaprio star in director Sam Mendes' adaptation of Revolutionary Road. Seeing that Winslett has already picked up a Golden Globe for her role and a further Academy Award nomination, this was another situation where it would be difficult to approach the film with an inexpectant outlook.

Set in the 1950s, Revolutionary Road is the darker story behind the façade of suburban lifestyle, as a couple - Frank and April Wheeler (DiCaprio and Winslett respectively) - struggle with their relationship as they become increasingly disillusioned with the much touted American Dream.

Soon enough April, a failed actress (ho ho, the irony), suggests that the family move to Paris so that Frank, who has always despised what he has done, can finally figure out what he wants to do. Frank willingly agrees, and the enthusiastic couple do not hesitate to spread the word, much to the disapproval and scorn of all but one.

The one man who can see the reasoning behind their choice is John Givings, the son of a neighbour, portrayed brilliantly by Michael Shannon (who has also picked up an Academy Award nomination for his role). John makes no secret about his recent stay in a psychiatric hospital or his electroshock therapy, nor does he hold anything back when analysing or criticising the Wheeler's choices or the suburb in general. Despite, or perhaps because of his insanity, he is the only one who openly speaks against the façade, instantly making him one of the more likeable characters in a sea of pre-dinner Martinis and forced laughter.

The effect John has on the Wheeler's during his few scenes is infinitely more significant than any of the other characters. While at first the couple are spurred on by his insightful and shameless comments, as their plan deteriorates and his remarks turn to harsh criticism it drives them to the edge. It's just a shame that he didn't feature more, as the few scenes with him are easily some of the most interesting in the film.

When the ending does come it's suitably dramatic, although like other moments in Revolutionary Road is dragged out a little too much. There are several moments near the end which would have made for a perfectly suitable climax, but the film forces itself to carry on, giving that little bit more closure each time until it starts showing the reactions of various minor characters. It's not difficult to imagine this working in the book, but in a film it feels dragged out and unnecessary.

Revolutionary Road is by no means a stunning film, but a select few performances and it's wonderfully dark story certainly make it worth seeing. It may feel a little dragged out at times - specifically the times without Winslett or Shannon - but if you're up for a deep and dramatic insight into the turmoil of 50s suburban life, this is probably as good as it gets.

4/5

Fun fact: No man in Revolutionary Road can go for longer than twenty seconds. Not even Leonardo DiCaprio. No wonder Kate Winslett was so frustrated.

Broomgrove Road > Revolutionary Road - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Film and DVD Review: Taken

2009-01-29T13:23:00.000-08:00

There's been a for as long as I can remember that those fat, loud people over the pond have always, for one reason or another, got all the good stuff first. But we Brits have never questioned this, oh no. We've muttered under our breath about it certainly, that's what we do, but we never outright complain; for the simple reason that we know that when there's the rare, brilliant occurrence that we get something before America does, we're not going to let them forget it.

Taken is one such example of a film that's only just found it's way through the maze of Wal-Marts, McDonalds and discount gun stores and into American cinemas, but has already been released on DVD in pretty much everywhere else. So, this review - which I wasn't really planning on doing otherwise - is for the benefit of those lovely people in the US of A. Yes, you with the cheeseburger, that means you.

So Taken stars Liam Neeson as Bryan Mills, an ex-government agent who is forced out of retirement when his daughter is kidnapped by Albanian sex traffickers. After landing in Paris, Mills doesn't stop for breath before he starts building up a body count, ruthlessly tearing through the criminal underground in the trendy Bourne-esque fashion. It's a genuine thriller, superbly interlacing suitably gritty and violent punch-ups with some deeply disturbing scenes of torture and trafficking, all the while maintaining a level of realism that never shaves off the dramatic edge.

The performances in general are alright, although the majority of the characters are so deeply rooted in stereotype that it really is very difficult to like them in the first place, but instead of putting you off, they just serve to make Neeson's lead character that much more appealing. Mills is flawed on so many levels; he's over protective, he's ruthless, and treats most of the people around him with a cold, professional disdain, but with his intentions so pure and almost everyone standing in his way more than deserving of their punishment it's impossible not to like him, and Neeson's portrayal of him is nothing short of superb.

Strangely, when it comes to music, Taken is surprisingly quiet. There isn't anything like the thumping rhythm of The Dark Knight, or the heroic trumpeting of Indiana Jones, instead the diegetic sound tends to take over, with the music in most scenes making for faint background. This is by no means a bad thing, but with the rest of the film being so typically Hollywood it feels a bit out of place or indecisive. It's not about to ruin an otherwise very good film, but if your used to similar Hollywood-style films it's might be a little off-putting.

With that said, Taken is definitely worth a look. It's an absolutely thrilling ride and Neeson is, as always, a class act.

4/5

It's films like this which make me sad that they killed off Qui-Gon Jinn so quickly.

Les DVD Special Features:

This is an occasion that I've been savouring for a while, one that is even rarer than a film being released everywhere else in the world before a release in the US. The time when I can safely summarise the material with three short, simple words: What the fuck?

Taken is, for the most part, spoken in English. The main character speaks English, most of the supporting characters speak English, and half the time the French characters speak English, albeit with a heavy accent. So where do they get off putting all the extras in French, and without subtitles?

Still, it's not as if there is much in the extras worth watching. The making-of section is fairly interesting, but nothing else is really worth your time. Not unless you're really interested in how various scenes which have undergone strenuous editing looked before they were edited. Because that's really interesting stuff, right?

No. The special features are absolute rubbish, you'd be wasting your time if you went anywhere near them.

1/5

Yes I know the director is French but still, at least throw in bloody subtitles.

Loves America really - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Game Review: Fallout 3

2009-01-28T01:37:00.000-08:00

From Bethesda Studios, the minds behind the brilliant Elder Scrolls series, comes the long awaited next instalment in the Fallout series: Fallout 3. With Bethesda's proven pedigree with RPGs, it was difficult to imagine Fallout 3 falling far short of brilliance.

Instead of launching you straight into the wilderness, Fallout 3's beginning is a little more gradual. Starting from birth, you'll play through all the key events in your character's early life inside a secure vault; including learning to walk, your birthday party, and sitting the G.O.A.T exams (which is hilariously referred to as "Taking the goat"). This doesn't just serve to teach you the basics of the various aspects of Fallout's gameplay in a manner both concise and intuitive, but it managed to bring depth to various characters before the game has even chugged into second gear.

Everything then kicks into full throttle, as your childhood friend reveals that your dad has left the vault, and with him being the only family you've got you'll follow in hot pursuit, and take your first steps into the big, wide world. Now, it's worth pointing out that Fallout 3's take on a post-apocalyptic Washington DC is nowhere near as pretty as the worlds Bethesda previously created for Oblivion or The Shivering Isles, and it still pulls the same tricks of copy-pasting certain blocks of environment between the more important, detailed locations to feign a greater sense of scale. But, despite it being a barren pallet of grey and brown, it's still awe-inspiring regardless. The level of detail in the areas that Bethesda didn't copy and paste is immense, and as soon as you see the decrepit remains of the Washington Monument looming eerily over the mutant infested ruins of DC that's it: you're immersed in this world and there's nothing you can do about it.

Even though it's impossible not to become immersed, the Washington Monument is always going to look like a penis

This is because immersion it what Fallout 3 does best, and this is not only evident in the game's world but in the sheer amount of detail available when developing your character. Like with most RPGs you'll gain experience from completing tasks and killing the various creatures you'll meet in the wasteland, but once you gain enough experience to level up you'll realise just how intricate and immersive developing your character is. As well as the usual attribute and skill distribution that any RPG player will be very familiar with, there are a selection of perks that become available when you meet a certain criteria. Each perk will effect your experience with the game in a different way; some simply improve your skill with a certain weapon, another will allow you to blow up enemies with a single bullet. Choosing which of the unique perks you want to customise your character with is, without fail, going to draw you even further into Fallout 3.

I never thought I'd be lucky enough to play something that made Gears of War look tame

As well as the role playing elements, Fallout 3 is also part shooter, and can boast one of the greatest arsenals of weapons out of any video game on the 360. Any game that offers you the chance to wield a modified vacuum cleaner and launch a stockpile of dinner plates and teddy bears into the faces of bewildered onlookers is, quite simply, an experience that nobody should be without. The other weapons, while hardly comparing to the genius or innovation of the aforementioned vacuum cleaner, are still exceptionally designed, making up a collection of weapons so diverse that, even if you've only specialised in one type of weapon, there will be enough diversity between within that type that you will rarely find yourself at a significant disadvantage.

How you actually use these guns won't feel like anything new at first, until you start using the V.A.Ts targeting system. V.A.Ts bring the world to a standstill, allowing you to pick and choose your targets before you watch your chosen actions being performed in brilliant slow motion cinematic sequences. Thanks to Fallout 3's copious amounts of blood and gore, this will never get old. Ever. There will always be something deeply satisfying about watching enemies gratuitously explode into a thousand little bits with a single bullet. Although, as satisfying as they are, because you're constantly popping in and out of real time to use them, V.A.Ts tend to break up the flow of the gameplay. The effect isn't quite as staggering as the constant pausing you had to do to use the abilities in Mass Effect but it's hardly ideal, especially as you'll find yourself relying on them most of the time. This also serves to takes the edge right off Fallout 3's shooting element; having you rely on percentages rather than actual skill. Don't get me wrong; V.A.Ts are, without a doubt, incredibly satisfying, they're just a little bit broken when it comes to actual gameplay and not just the raw visual display.

I knew that Maths GCSE was going to come in handy

The thing is though, even with the niggling issues - and they are niggling, the only reason I've had to talk about them so much is because there is so little to criticise - Fallout 3 is never going to stop drawing you in, at least until you develop the willpower to save it and turn off the console. This is one of those brilliant games that you find yourself coming back to over and over again, and with all the downloadable content lined up (no word on whether it will contain armour for your dog yet, just cross your fingers and hope), you're going to be absorbed in the world of Fallout 3 for a long, long, long time.

9/10

Ooh, and Liam Neeson and Malcolm McDowell are in it, and you can get a dog, ooh and, and... I really wish I had room for an extra paragraph. Bloody word limit.

Ran out of synonyms for "really really good" a long time ago - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Ring o' Death (and other updates)

2009-01-25T14:43:00.000-08:00

So, it seems that my 360 has gone tits up again, and I'm not entirely sure where this leaves me.

I'm going to go through the usual hassle of phoning up Microsoft, talking to an automated message for a few minutes (or hours, depending on whether the peppy arsewipe decides to be helpful or ask me the same question eight times in a row), and then talking to some bloke in Asia for another few minutes (or hours, depending on how many times he asks me to spell out my surname), to see if I can get a free repair. If that's is the case, I'll be out of game reviews for a week or two. If I can't get a free repair, then I'll pop into town, get myself a new 360, and there won't be any delays, fuss, or whatever.

In the meantime, I feel like I've played enough of Fallout 3 to get a review done. Well, I've played it enough to internally destroy my console, at any rate. So expect a review of that by the end of the week. You'll also have noticed that I'm churning out film reviews over the weekends, and that's because I've been toddling off to the cinema every Friday. This is a routine that I'll be continuing for the foreseeable future, so expect another film review every weekend.

The reaction to my Oscars overview was surprisingly positive, considering it was fairly uninformed and only covered about a third of the awards, so I will probably be doing more of a similar thing. If anyone knows any sites that have up-to-date game, TV or film news, I'd appreciate if you could link me to them so that I could, er, borrow their material. It'll end up being similar to the Oscar nominations overview; I'll give an opinion, throw in a few jokes if I can, you probably won't laugh - you know the drill.

You're probably sick of hearing me harp on about how I've got a video review planned, and I figured it's about time I updated you on that. I haven't really done much for the Heroes review so far, I'm probably waiting until February half term for that, so that I can go through the series again. But, in the meantime, I've decided to do a video review on the new series of Skins, a sort of teen drama-y thing. Only thing I know for sure is that it's going to be quite short, as I've only got one episode to work with, and that it will contain as much swearing as my middle-class politeness boundaries will allow me to include. Ho-hum. Anyway, I should get that done fairly soon.

Right, there you are, an update of sorts. Does anyone actually read these things? Oh, feedback is appreciated, hope you've enjoyed everything, hope you keep reading, sorry for spamming various forums and Facebook with links to this site, please don't hate me, etcetera etcetera.

Cheers,

Tom

For that matter, does anyone read this bit either?

Knows he needs to get out more, stop telling him that - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Film Review: Milk

2009-01-24T05:31:00.000-08:00

From acclaimed director Gus Van Sant comes the story of assassinated 1970s politician and gay rights activist Harvey Milk. Simply titled Milk, this film has already earned an impressive amount of award nominations, including the Academy Award for Best Picture and Best Director, making it difficult to expect anything other than greatness from Van Sant's latest work.

Opening with a broadcast announcing the assassination of Harvey Milk, the film then backtracks as Milk himself (Sean Penn) details the final eight years of his life, to where the events leading up to his tragic death began. We see his influence spread, as his actions in one small neighbourhood gradually gain momentum and gain national recognition and importance, as his campaign for equal rights for gays is met with the bigotry and hatred of 1970s American conservatives. This story alone is superb and the driving force behind the film, but the true drama is found a Milk recounts his personal life, and we realise just why this man was an inspiration to so many, as well as the hardships and tragedy he suffered during his eight years campaigning. It's absolutely stunning viewing, fantastically emotive and wonderfully told.

Sean Penn is nothing short of brilliant as Harvey Milk, being both quirky and deep in equal measure in a wonderfully enthusiastic performance, with Penn's personal background as a liberal political activist adding a little more credibility and believability to his portrayal of Milk's character. This is definitely a performance worthy of an Oscar nomination. The same goes for Josh Brolin, who's nomination for Best Supporting Actor is well deserved, as he captures the tormented mind of Milk's conservative peer Dan White superbly. There are even a couple of surprising performances from James Franco and Emile Hirsch, who are better known for their respective roles in the awful Spiderman 3 and Speed Racer films, but are both fantastic in their parts here.

Being a biographical account of Harvey Milk's final years, naturally the physical portrayal of the characters had to be fairly similar, and this is another region where Milk excels. As shown by a tribute reel come the end of the film. the physical characterisation by the cast is superb and nothing short of a triumph. The tribute itself is excellent, and one of the most emotional five minutes you'll have to fortune to experience in the cinema today.

It's no surprise that Milk has been nominated for Best Film at the Academy awards. Not only because of the story, which alone screams "nominate me", but it's a fantastic film, deep and emotional, and wonderfully acted to boot. This is another must-see for 2009.

5/5

Slumdog Millionaire is still better, though.

Proud member of the "I have seen Sean Penn's bare arse" club - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Game Review: Braid

2009-01-23T16:50:00.000-08:00

Developed by Jonathan Blow of Number None, Braid is another one of those charming independent titles that has risen to fame through the Xbox Live Arcade after it's release back in 2008. It's coming a little late, but I just had to have a nosey, and find out why Braid has caused such a buzz in the community.

Braid certainly didn't cause this buzz because of it's plot. The gist of it is simple enough; you'll traverse various different worlds, trying to find the Princess who is always in another castle. It all sounds very Super Mario, which is no bad thing, but Braid seems to have deluded itself into thinking that there's much more to it than that. So much so that it will ask you to read through reams of text, all of which are pointless because they're so ambiguous and vague. This is supposed to leave the story open to interpretation, but it just comes off as pretentious.

"Could you just give me her address so this doesn't happen again?"

On the other hand, Braid truly shines with it's furiously clever gameplay. While at first it may seem like a typical platformer, again paying homage to the Super Mario series with the classic jumping-on-enemies-heads action, there is so much more to Braid than that. The true brilliance of Braid is in the time manipulation. This is hardly a stranger to games; Prince of Persia has been using time reversal throughout the last generation, but Braid applies it in such a way that it makes any other game's time manipulation mechanics look simplistic and dated by comparison.

Each world offers you a different and unique kind of time manipulation, which you'll have to use to solve puzzles and avoid dangerous obstacles, and this is where Braid is truly unique. Most games rely on movement, having you move from one place to another through or around various obstacles, but Braid requires you to start thinking of things in relation to time as well as this. This does have the annoying side effect of making Braid's difficulty curve fluctuate between fairly simple and bollocks twisting-ly hard. Some puzzles are going to be blindingly obvious while others are going to gnaw away at your mind until you've exhausted yourself performing the same trial and error ten times over and leave the game in bitter frustration. With Braid's inherent pretentiousness you can't help but get the feeling that, while you're sat there frustrated with the challenges, it's snootily mocking your inability from a far off distance. However, this does serve to make completing levels in Braid that little bit more satisfying, and you will find yourself looking back and marvelling at how bloody ingenious it all was.

Yeah, shut up now, I want to rip a hole in the spacetime continuum.

All this is wonderfully topped off with Braid's beautiful worlds and musical score. This is quite possibly the best looking Xbox Live Arcade game available, and I doubt any words I use to describe it could do it justice, unless I threw several hundred "really"s in front of it. It's just gorgeous, making the worlds in Braid absolute joy to play though. At least when it's not making you feel like a fool.

You will struggle to find a game as pretentious as this one, and for that matter you'll struggle to find one as difficult or frustrating. But despite all that, Braid is still worth a look, purely for it's unique time manipulation. A beautiful and sophisticated game, Braid is definitely one of the best titles on the Xbox Live Arcade.

9/10

Right, done, and it only took me six months to get round to it. I'm so well organised.

Master of time and space - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

The 2009 Academy Awards

2009-01-23T01:08:00.000-08:00

Now that the Academy Award nominees have been announced, it's time for amateur critics to hop on the almighty prediction bandwagon, so that when the Oscars are finally awarded we can jump and point excitedly at our blog posts from a month earlier, jabbering on about how we predicted various winners and pretending that we have a vague influence in the award panel, all the while sweeping any guesses proven false under the carpet with a less-than-sneaky edit. And, since I've never been one to buck the trend, I figure I might as well join in.

Oh, and for a full list of the nominations, just head on over to here.

Best Picture
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire

Embarrassingly enough I've only seen one of the films nominated for this award, but in this case it's probably sufficient. It's already got the Golden Globe and Critics' Choice award for Best Picture tucked safely under it's belt, as well as another two nominations for Best Film and Outstanding British Film at the BAFTAs, making it very hard to see past Slumdog Millionaire for Best Picture.

Best director
Danny Boyle - Slumdog Millionaire
Stephen Daldry - The Reader
David Fincher - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard - Frost/Nixon
Gus Van Sant - Milk

Again, this is another scenario where it's almost impossible to see past Danny Boyle and Slumdog Millionaire. Come on, he's won three Best Director awards for it already. The only way I can see him losing out on this award is if the voters decide that someone else should have a turn making an acceptance speech.

Best actor
Richard Jenkins - The Visitor
Frank Langella - Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn - Milk
Brad Pitt - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke - The Wrestler

Oh come on, Rourke has to walk away with this one, he carried The Wrestler with one of the most moving and emotional performances of the decade.

Best supporting actor
Josh Brolin - Milk
Robert Downey Jr - Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman - Doubt
Heath Ledger - The Dark Knight
Michael Shannon - Revolutionary Road

How weird is it seeing Tropic Thunder in-between Milk and Doubt? I reckon this one will be a toss up between Hoffman and Ledger. As cynical as it sounds, Ledgers death will probably give him an edge to win another posthumous award. It's not as if it's undeserved, he was nothing short of superb in The Dark Knight, but there's always going to be that niggling "what if?" doubt in the back of many people's minds.

Best animated feature film
Bolt
Kung Fu Panda
Wall-E

I've got a feeling Wall-E is going to take this one; not only because it's arguably the best animated film of the decade, but because the lack of dialogue gives it an almost art house quality that's never found among animated feature films. It's unique, and I'll be very surprised if it doesn't win this award.

Best original score
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Defiance
Milk
Slumdog Millionaire
Wall-E

Once you get past the surprise that The Dark Knight didn't get a mention for it's score, you're staring right back into the face of Slumdog Millionaire for this one, with two of it's songs nominated for Best Original Song award.

Best original song
Down To Earth - Wall-E
Jai Ho - Slumdog Millionaire
O Saya - Slumdog Millionaire

See, now this is probably the only category I can give a proper prediction for, since I'm a massive fan of all three songs. Personally I'd be leaning towards O Saya, but I reckon Jai Ho will take it. Either way, as brilliant as Down To Earth was, I can see Slumdog walking away with another award here.

In case you haven't figured it out, I've got a feeling that Slumdog Millionaire is going to walk these awards. And it would probably deserve them; it certainly deserves every single nomination. I'd like to see it perform a clean sweep as well, as it's nicked a place in my heart as one of my all time favourite films. It's just a phenomenal all rounder.

One of the biggest surprises of the 2009 Academy Awards is The Dark Knight's lack of mentions. I'm struggling to see why it's been overlooked so consistently, last I checked it had done brilliantly with critics. Maybe it's not quite as sentimental or emotional as some of the other films that have sprawled themselves across the various award nominations, like desperate whores turning tricks in return for glittery statuettes. But it's still damn good, and surely worthy of more high profile nominations?

So there you go, a prediction on the 2009 Academy Awards that barely meets the minimum requirements to call itself "informed". Although I've just realised how few good films I've seen this year. Like, properly good films. I've been going out of my way to play the best games, so it's probably about time I got round to seeing more, and better, films. What do you know, I've finally got a new years resolution.

You have no idea how bored I had to get before I considered writing this. Seriously.

Isn't looking forward to rewriting all this after he sees Milk tonight - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Film Review: The Wrestler

2009-01-17T03:42:00.000-08:00

There's always an innate difficulty in writing about films like The Wrestler, when the performance of one outshines the rest of the film to such an extent that you're not entirely sure what to focus your words on; whether you should take the formulaic approach that you've adapted to or spend a good few paragraphs raving about a certain man and his remarkable talents.

In this case the performance belongs to Mickey Rourke who, as Randy "The Ram" Robinson, delivers one of the most wonderfully emotional performances in recent cinema, capturing both the powerful façade and the weak reality of the character with the essence of a true professional. Absolutely dominating every scene, you'll never forget that he is The Wrestler.

Although, once you look past Rourke's performance, you'll find that The Wrestler is a real slow burner. Some of the more potent scenes are superbly paced, but it takes too long to get there, and interlacing these poignant moments with scenes of brawling or in some cases virtually nothing never really fits.

On top of that, The Wrestler doesn't offer any real closure. At first it appears as a typical falling from grace film, as Rourke's Wrester struggles with a heart condition as he tries to claw his way back to the top, while trying to win the affections of his estranged daughter (Evan Rachel Wood) and a stripper (Marisa Tomei). Watching the relationships between these characters gradually evolve over the course of the film is nothing short of fantastic, as they're beautifully emotional, humorous and genuine scenes. Which makes the final half hour of the film, when he systematically destroys everything he's meticulously built up, even more galling, and you may well walk away feeling as if The Wrester has just wasted your time.

The Wrestler will go down as one of those irritatingly ambiguous "cult classic" films. The kind of film that most people will watch with a expression lingering between bemused and tired, while others will hail it as cinematographic genius shortly before attempting a Ram Jam on the family dog. There's undeniable quality here, especially where Rourke is concerned, but it will take an acquired taste to enjoy this inconclusive and deeply unsatisfying film.

3/5

Every time some of the music came on during the film, some middle-aged guy on my row started head banging. I'm not kidding, and it was hilarious. I might invite him to see Slumdog Millionaire and see if he jumps up and starts doing the Bollywood dance at the end.

Tried to make up his own wrestler title and failed miserably - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Cheaper Game reviews

2009-01-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago one of the members from block17, skiprat, created www.cheaper-games.co.uk, and he's kindly offered to feature my games reviews on there (which will look a little something like this), so I figured I'd try and do something similar in return and tell you good people about it.

Cheaper Games is a UK based price comparison site. As well as offering a free and accessible price comparison service for new and upcoming games from the best UK and online retailers, you'll also find that Cheaper Games offers up-to-date gaming news from some of the best online sources. So if, like me, you're looking for a new game but you're worried about the weight of your wallet, I'd definitely recommend checking out cheaper-games.co.uk.

I'll put a link up in the side-bar, so that you'll be able to find it even when this had slid down to the bottom of the front page.

Right now that I'm done shamelessly advertising, I'll leave you to it. But seriously, it's an excellent site and comes highly recommended, and it's definitely worth a look in at the very least.

Cheers,

Tom

Maybe I should start writing adverts for confused.com

Might have to start doing actual work soon... bollocks - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Game Content Review: Fable 2 Knothole Island

2009-01-14T10:16:00.000-08:00

After a few delays, the adventure of Fable 2 can finally continue with the first set of downloadable content; the nostalgically titled Knothole Island. It promised much, but past experience from the original Fable's sub-par additional content raised some doubts among fans. Could Knothole Island reinvigorate Fable 2, or would it prove to be another example of dud content?

Unfortunately, Knothole Island is almost certainly the latter. While the island itself is beautifully designed and intricately detailed, almost everything else about it feels thrown together. Not only do the three new quests amount to little more than fetch quests, but they're incredibly short and all do-able in under an hour. The characters are entirely forgettable, failing to reach the standards of the witty and interesting characters from the main game and a swift reminder of why the skip button was included for non-playable characters wordy dialogue. There aren't even any new enemies to freshen things up.

The technical issues and bugs that saw Knothole Island pushed back over a month haven't been fully ironed out. During the short time you'll be playing the expansion you'll notice that frame rate issues are now much more common both on Knothole Island and in mainland areas such as Bowerstone and Oakfield, even if you've install the main game onto your hard drive. How they've managed to delay it for a month and still not manage to fine tune it despite it's small size is a little pathetic, really.

The only real strong point of the Knothole Island pack is the amount of new toys available. There's an assortment of new clothes, a bulky arsenal of new weapons - including a novelty Halo rifle - and a bunch of augmentations to customise them with. There are even new potions which alter your physical appearance allowing you to gain weight, grow taller, or instantly beautify yourself, making detailed character customisation much easier. You'll also have the opportunity to revive your dog if you gave him up at the end of the main quest, although that probably cheapens two of the three endings a little.

But once you've played around with the new toys, that's it. They're just gimmicks; novelties that don't add anything to the game experience as a whole. They're fun at first but they have the lifespan of a flea, which effectively summarises the whole of Knothole Island.

As the first downloadable content for Fable 2, Knothole Island is a big let down. It's short, repetitive, and not half the expansion that Lionhead cracked it up to be, although to be fair nothing is half the anything that Lionhead will hype it up to be. The only people I can imagine having any interest in this are the ones who bought the limited edition of Fable 2 just so that they could having the satisfaction of wearing Master Chief's armour, because clearly they're the only ones willing to waste good money on in-game novelties. To put it bluntly; even if you enjoyed Fable 2 this probably isn't worth your time, and won't be until they make it free.

4/10

Yes, I know it's short, but what am I supposed to do with an hour long game add-on?

Totally forgot he was meant to review Braid - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Game Review: Left 4 Dead

2009-01-12T16:49:00.000-08:00

Left 4 Dead is the latest offering from Valve, the acclaimed developer who have previously brought us such gaming masterpieces as Half Life 2 and Portal. With such a remarkable pedigree it's difficult to expect anything other than excellence from Valve, and it was almost without doubt that Left 4 Dead would deliver. I mean; Valve developing a multiplayer game with zombies? What could possibly go wrong?

Left 4 Dead feels like it's been ripped right out of a classic zombie film. You play as one of four survivors, each one playing up to their individual stereotype in the usual fashion, and as a team you'll shoot your way through the horde of infected to reach safety. It's nothing complicated, and certainly nothing deep, but thanks to the four survivors - who feel satisfyingly human and are very well characterised - it's a little more enjoyable than the typical zombie game.

If they'd collectively spelt out "brains" by trampling down the corn, Left 4 Dead would have been the greatest game ever.

With a group of likeable characters, you'd expect Valve to follow up with some excellent gameplay, as per usual. But in Left 4 Dead, they've left most of the gameplay to the so-called "AI Director", an apparently sophisticated programme developed to change where enemies spawn, where equipment shows up, and play around with the sound and visual effects to not only create the creepiest experience, but also the increase the game's replay-ability by changing the experience each time. While it sounds like a fantastic concept, but it never quite seems to cut it. Most of the time you'll find that equipment shows up in the same place, that enemies spawn in the same location and that the AI Director will play the same tricks over and over in an attempt to get a scare. It's not a bad innovation, it's just not all Valve cracked it up to be, and needs a little refining before it's wheeled out again.

Because the AI Director isn't particularly sophisticated, Left 4 Dead's gameplay is very repetitive. Admittedly there are four different campaigns, which naturally include all the generic settings from zombie films but, as well as being very short, each one plays so similarly that you might as well be running down one corridor with interchangeable wallpaper. The zombies are varied enough; besides the cannon fodder zombies there are five other types of zombie, each requiring different tactics to beat effectively, and this is where Left 4 Dead shines. Working together to beat the bigger enemies is one of the most fun and rewarding experiences in a game. But once you've fought a zombie once, you know the tactic for beating them, and at that point Left 4 Dead veers once again into the repetitive.

The tactics for the tank include "run", "shoot", and "die like a bitch".

To break the monotony of the campaign there is a multiplayer versus mode, which is essentially the campaign but from the zombie's perspective. Playing as one of the elite zombies you'll be able to hunt the four survivors, killing or damaging them to score points. While it's not going to fully break the monotony of the campaign, since half the time you'll still be playing as the survivors against player controlled zombies, the opportunity to play as the zombies is well worth it. The only real issue in the versus multiplayer (besides the ones that come with the co-op) is the long respawn time. It's easy to see why the respawn time is so long; having so many elite infected in the game could make it far too difficult for the survivors. But surely there's a better alternative to having twenty or thirty seconds of nothing?

Not even Michael Moore was safe from the infection; he's just been eaten by this zombie John Goodman.

Valve have developed a habit over the past few years of finding an innovation and sticking it to their Source engine. Left 4 Dead carries on that trend, but with the innovation being surprisingly weak, the four year old Source engine is left to pick up the pieces; and the extent as to how dated this engine is really starts to show. It's still competent, but four years is a long, long time in the games industry, and in a game where lighting and shadowing are so important, the Source engine is starting to show it's age. In games like Portal or Team Fortress 2, it's forgiveable; both were released at around a quarter of the cost of a normal game, or as additional content in the brilliant Orange Box. But with Left 4 Dead, a full price game, we should be getting more for our money than an outdated engine and a half-arsed AI Director.

Left 4 Dead doesn't really do anything wrong, and if you're a fan of zombie films or first person shooters then this could well be the title for you. But this still feels like a let down; the engine is dated, the AI Director is predictable, and it's very repetitive, and not really worth the full price it asks for. It's competent, but there are other games out there more deserving of a purchase.

7/10

Good god, I'm finally being controversial. Ooh, I feel all tingly.

Played Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" during every campaign - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Film Review: Slumdog Millionaire

2009-01-10T04:02:00.000-08:00

From director Danny Boyle comes Slumdog Millionaire, the story of a contender on the Indian version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". But this time the real drama does not lie in the show, but in the amazing back story of the boy who knows all the answers.

The boy in question is Jamal who, being one correct answer from the game's big prize, is arrested for apparently cheating. The resulting interrogation by a police inspector reveals an astonishing story, as Jamal recounts how he, a boy from the slums, knew the answer to every question he was asked. The convenient ordering of the questions allows us to follow his story from his childhood to the present day, as we're treated to the risky misadventures and charming love stories of his life.

Jamal's story offers an unparalleled insight into the struggles and highlights of an Indian slumdog, brimming with incredible moments that may be hilarious, tragic, or anything in-between. But the one guarantee is that, no matter what feeling or emotion Slumdog Millionaire invokes, the result will always be genuinely touching and memorable, and there's no doubt that you'll be infatuated with Jamal's character throughout.

The deep connection we develop with Jamal, and with every other character, is down not only to Slumdog's superb writing, but also the brilliant performances from every actor on show. Dev Patel (formerly of E4 teen drama Skins) puts in a stunning performance as the present day Jamal, nailing every aspect of the character in a truly emotional performance. Freida Pinto, too, was remarkable as Jamal's love interest Latika, especially considering this was her first role in a feature film. And particular praise must go to the child actors, who portrayed the younger characters with undeniable energy and charm. But every actor in this, from the bit part players to the leading rolls, were fantastic, creating a film that has a great energy and life, while constantly maintaining a grounded realism.

Slumdog's remarkable camera work only adds to the already great experience. Despite being mostly set in some of the poorest areas of India, everything looks stunningly beautiful, so much so that the shots of the Taj Mahal almost fade into obscurity among the lively and bustling slums and markets. The flickers of bright colours in these scenes are gorgeous, contrasting the corrugated iron and concrete with a fierce and radiant beauty. But the true genius of the film lies in the music. A blend of authentic Indian and western music, the soundtrack not only captures the essence of the film, but fits perfectly with the scenes, allowing for become one of the most captivating experiences in recent cinema.

What is so refreshing about Slumdog Millionaire is that, come the end, everyone is just so happy. Seeing this kid from the slums go on this magnificent journey, suffering the violence and tragedy of his childhood, finding the girl he loves again and again, and getting covered in all kinds of literal shit, and then having everything eventually work out is just fantastic. If you saw and liked Wall-E, you'll get the same feeling as you did at the end of that. Except amplified several thousand times.

It's early doors yet for 2009, so part of me is thinking that it's a little early to be touting Slumdog Millionaire as film of the year. But I'm going to do it anyway. A genuine, touching and absolutely stunning film, Slumdog Millionaire should not be missed by anyone. It's a gorgeous piece of art, an amazing journey, and a collection of some of the most developed and captivating characters in recent cinema. Truly Brilliant.

5/5

You know what? I feel a bit stupid for not watching Skins now. Bet you're all going to be really smug about that, aren't you?

I've already bought the soundtrack for this - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Game Review: Castle Crashers

2009-01-08T13:43:00.000-08:00

It's not often that independent games make such a big name for themselves on the 360 but Castle Crashers, developed by The Behemoth for Xbox Live Arcade, has caused a hell of a stir among the community. Naturally, I had to check this one out, and see what all the fuss was about.

Castle Crashers is, fundamentally, a 2D side-scroller. As one of four knights you'll traverse a uniquely styled world, fighting hordes of baddies, on a quest to save some kidnapped princesses. It's as basic as you like, barely changed from the classic side-scrollers of days gone by, but it's a class above the typical Golden Axe pretender.

One reason for this, is the fantastic gameplay. While it's nothing particularly new or original, Castle Crasher's fast paced and accessible gameplay makes it furiously addictive and fun. The baddies aren't particularly varied at first, but as you progress you'll gradually meet bigger, tougher enemies, and the extra challenge offered by these baddies will keep the game fresh and interesting from beginning to end, and several times over after that. And, of course, there's the occasional boss fight to spice things up, and really keep you on your toes. What Castle Crashers does is basic, but it's brilliant, and a tremendously fun experience every time you play.

Blue Castle Crashers get all the bitches.

Castle Crashers also boasts a solid role playing element. As well as a ton of different weapons and creature orbs (essentially cute floating animals that assist you in the game), each with their own benefits and flaws, you'll will be able to customise the skills of each individual character to you're liking, allowing for a different character every time you play through the game. With several extra characters to unlock, and each character having their own unique ability, Castle Crashers has a massive amount of replay-ability, an incredible feat for a game which appears so basic.

As well as the single player, Castle Crashers also offers excellent multiplayer features, supporting up to four players both locally and online. Not only can you play through the story with up to three other players, but there are also versus matches available. Each type of versus tests different skills and styles from the single player, and reflects the same frantic, addictive and fun characteristics that made the story mode so fun. With great versus and co-operative modes, Castle Crashers' multiplayer is one of the most fun and addictive experiences available on the 360.

The true brilliance of Castle Crashers lies in the superb artwork. The style is unique, interesting, and varied, with each character having a defining quality, making them distinguishable even in the hectic multiplayer modes. The worlds, too, look fantastic, ranging from dense forests to desert castles and even alien space ships, all of which are a joy to play through. The defining aspect of Castle Crasher's art style is the humour blended into it, which is brilliantly immature, and really adds to the enjoyment and the experience.

Sometimes it's best not to worry about the beast chasing you, and just laugh at the deer shitting itself.

The only possible downside to Castle Crashers' gameplay is the difficulty level, which quickly increases and you play, and sky rockets during boss battles. Because of this, you might find that you'll be replaying the same level several times over, either for experience or gold, which can become a little tedious when you realise you've stopped making progress. It's hardly a game killer, but it's a minor irritation that stops Castle Crasher from being the perfect side-scroller.

Castle Crashers is a slick, fiendishly addictive game that needs to be experienced by everyone who still holds fond childhood memories of classic side-scrollers. Completely revitalising the genre with it's random humour, superb art style and fun, flowing gameplay, Castle Crashers is a superb addition to the Xbox Live Arcade, and for only 1200 Microsoft Points it's surely a must-purchase.

9/10

I think I've just become an early contender for writing the most outdated review of 2009. And if this doesn't win it: next up, Braid!

Promises he'll try and do a longer one next time - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Game Review: Call of Duty: World at War

2009-01-06T14:50:00.000-08:00

Call of Duty returns to it's roots with the series' latest instalment: World at War. But with Infinity Ward, developers of the phenomenally successful Modern Warfare, taking a back seat, there were one or two doubts about new developers Treyarch, and their decision to return to World War II. Could World at War silence the doubters, and live up to Modern Warfare's success, or has it taken one too many steps back?

While World at War's campaign has taken a step back in time, it certainly hasn't taken a step back in quality. Taking place during America's Pacific campaign, and in Russia's march on Berlin, the single player touches on scenarios that haven't been touched on by recent World War II games, and with the great diversity in environments and weapons, the campaign will feel fresh from start to finish. And, thanks to Treyarch finally putting in a co-op mode - which was long overdue in Call of Duty - the campaign even has replay ability, something that no other game in the series has really had before. It's another superb effort from a Call of Duty game, as they serve up another rewarding, and addictive, campaign experience.

Every game needs a flame-thrower.

As well as treating us to new scenarios and settings, World at War also allows you to sample the darker, grittier side of war, the side that most of the previous games have sugar-coated with glory and patriotism. This side of war is touched upon in both halves of the campaign, including a fantastically potent opening scene where you'll watch your dead or dying comrades shot by passing soldiers, as you lie back and pray you remain unnoticed. World at War has also upped the gore levels, and while this is occasionally funnier than it is disturbing, there are still moments when it adds a certain perturbing quality to the game, that no other Call of Duty really had before.

The reason for the added gore is probably due to the new game mode that World at War introduces: Nacht der Untoten. Essentially, it's the horde mode from Gears of War 2, you'll fight wave after wave of enemies, testing your skill and endurance. Except this time round, you won't be fighting mere Locust, oh no. You'll be up against hordes of Nazi Zombies, possibly one of the most genius enemies ever conceived. It's a great extra mode to have, and should do wonders in giving World at War a little extra lifespan.

Ever wanted to shoot a Nazi zombie in the face with a shotgun? Well...

What is definitely going to give World at War a massive lifespan is the online multiplayer. After Modern Warfare, Treyarch had a huge job of living up to Infinity Ward's standards, and if anything they've surpassed it. Part of the reason why World at War is better is the same reason why so many people dismissed it: the World War II setting. The guns in World at War suit the realistic weapon damage much better, and while some of the automatic weapons are still overpowered, it feels a little more balanced than Modern Warfare did.

Did I mention there were tanks? Did I mention they were awesome?

Apart from the skin, the multiplayer is essentially the same as Modern Warfare. As before, you'll start from level one, and as you earn experience from killing opponents, winning games and completing challenges, you'll rank up and earn new weapons, perks and other equipment. New perks have been added, and there's finally a purpose to Prestige ranking (allowing you to unlock more classes to customise), but it's more or less unchanged. Which unfortunately means it's still got the same problems that Modern Warfare had.

The problem with the multiplayer is that, despite the weapon changes, it's still unbalanced. While there are a couple of game modes with minimum or maximum level caps, playing anything in-between will put you up against anyone, meaning that you can have two different teams with completely different levels and experience. Treyarch have made an effort to balance multiplayer in other areas; for example you'll get an appropriate amount of points for assists, based on the damage you inflicted, but it doesn't quite do enough. It's a great multiplayer, and incredibly frantic and fun, but a more sophisticated and levelled matchmaking system (see Halo 3) would be appreciated.

While there are some minor issues to be ironed out before the next instalment, World at War is nevertheless a fantastic game, both online and off. Any doubts regarding Treyarch's developer role or the return to the World War II setting will be silenced after the first ten minutes. It's a brilliant addition to the Call of Duty series, and if you're a fan of first person shooters, this is definitely worth a look. You almost certainly won't be disappointed.

9/10

Seriously, there are zombie Nazis. Can you honestly think of anything better?

Ask me about my online kill to death ratio. Please? - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

New year, new write ups

2009-01-05T16:04:00.000-08:00

As you've probably noticed I've been writing myself into an imitation wanker's cramp over Christmas, and in 2009 I'm hoping that my schedule will be similarly busy.

I've got my next four game reviews lined up, and I'm finally catching up on the stuff that I didn't have time (or couldn't afford to) review in the build up to Christmas.

First, it will be Call of Duty: World at War, the latest game in the Call of Duty series. At the moment it's taking up just about all my time on the 360, and I'm more than ready to review that now. Hopefully I'll get that written up before the end of the week. Then it's Left 4 Dead, the new Valve release. I haven't had too much time to play it, since I've been too busy with World at War, but what I have played is excellent. Wait, can I legitimately claim that I'm busy with a game?

The other two that I'll hopefully be reviewing are two of 2008's Xbox Live Arcade hits, Castle Crashers - a 2D hack and slash which I'm having immense fun with - and Braid, a classy, sophisticated, puzzle game thing with mental time bending skills. These have been out for a while, but since nothing new has really grabbed my interest (and isn't as cheap), I figured it was time to get them reviewed.

There's also the possibility that the Fable 2 downloadable content, Knothole Island, will finally be available, after what feels like several million delays. It's actually only two delays, but I'm a bit of a Fable fanboy, so it feels like an eternity to me. Yeah, I know I'm a dork, shut up.

"But what about films?" I hear absolutely nobody asking, "What films will you be writing about this month?". Well, with The Spirit out of the way, the next one I'll be looking at is Che: The Argentine. I've heard great things about this from the aftermath of the Cannes Film Festival (ooh, how sophisticated am I?), so hopefully this will be a good 'un.

Finally, there's the video review. I've been planning on doing it for months now, and thanks to a friend of mine I can finally get started. When I say started, I do literally mean "started". I've got very little at the moment, apart from a few ideas and the irritating sound of my own voice fluttering around my head, but now that I've got the material I can get to it very, very soon. Hopefully you'll get a kick out of watching it, as there isn't too much of me in it. Promise.

So, that's pretty much it for now, I'll make other updates as and when they're needed. Although, to be honest, they're mostly for me, so that I have a clear idea of what I'm doing over the month, but if anyone else is interested by them then that's always a bonus. I hoped you enjoyed the write ups last month, I've had some really good feedback from people and it's massively appreciated.

Cheers,

Tom

Oh yeah, and Happy New Year. Hope you all got sufficiently bladdered.

Suggest a New Years Resolution, because I'm too lazy to think of one - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

TV Review: Jonathan Creek "The Grinning Man"

2009-01-05T15:30:00.000-08:00

Following a five year hiatus, British crime drama Jonathan Creek returned on New Years day for a special feature length episode: The Grinning Man. With both writer David Renwick and star Adam Davies returning, could Jonathan Creek relive his past successes?

It's business as usual for Creek, as he is presented with another impossible and seemingly supernatural mystery. It's a very familiar scenario: a man spends a night alone in a room, and when the room is checked in the morning he has vanished without a trace. There's supposedly no way out, no way in, everyone is baffled and just assumes that the room is haunted - and it certainly doesn't help that there's a creepy picture on the wall.

The mystery itself is ingenious, impossible to guess during the episode but brilliantly simple when revealed, and as Creek recaps on all the subtle hints and clues he'd noticed over the course of the episode there's a fantastic satisfaction as you sit back and reflect on the sheer genius of it all. It's very comforting to know that Renwick still has it in him to create these excellent scenarios, and you can't help but think that there's still a lot of life in Creek left.

The performances, too, are great. Naturally Davies is excellent as Creek, as is Stuart Milligan as Adam Klaus, Creek's flamboyant and amoral boss. But the surprise performance came from Sheridan Smith, who'd risen to fame through her role in comedic sitcom Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, as she puts in a fine performance as Creek's assistant, Joey Ross. The interaction between Creek and these two other characters really adds to the episode's entertainment value, and whether it's their light hearted bickering or their heavy discussions that make for the shows more dramatic moments, it all feels very real, and are among the best performances over the Christmas period.

Jonathan Creek has always been known for it's comedic sub plots, which deviated a little from the mystery and injected a little humour into an otherwise heavy atmosphere, and The Grinning Man is no different. But with the episodes two hour length, the sub plot has ended up with too much focus, and instead of providing a little light hearted fun on the side, distracts too much from the main mystery. While there is still the occasional funny moment, it's usually surrounded by tedious dialogue and pointless scenes, that don't really add much to anything.

As well as the more comedic sub plots, there's an entire second mystery sub plot introduced about half way through the episode, for no obvious reason apart from the writer's attempting to fill up the extra hour. It's not nearly as interesting as the main mystery, and while it does tick all the boxes for gruesome and bloody, it's not nearly as clever as the impossible room idea that is unfortunately pushed to the side to make room for it. It's a bit annoying sitting through this, as well as the pointless and tedious romantic sub plots, when all we really want to hear is how everybody disappears from the impossible room.
The Grinning Man is another good episode of Jonathan Creek, but it's not about to go down as a classic. While the original mystery is suitably ingenious, the sheer length of the episode hinders it. Instead of a pacey and thrilling mystery, it's a drawn out and occasionally tedious showing from Creek. It's still good, and everything that made Jonathan Creek what it was is still there, and even after the end credits you'll be wondering whether there's a paranormal influence behind the whole plot. But there's too much unnecessary fat to make it great.

4/5

Right, I've run out of television to talk about now. Bollocks.

Is never going to be able to take a bath again - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Film Review: The Spirit

2009-01-03T04:12:00.000-08:00

After the successes of Sin City and 300, it seemed only natural for Frank Miller to return to the director's chair. This time round it's The Spirit, as Miller tries to adapt another's work for the big screen. Would he have the same success as his previous films, or would the Spirit fade into obscurity?

Unfortunately it's almost certainly the latter, as The Spirit fails to deliver in almost every department. The story is completely schizophrenic, never really sure if it's a film noir detective story, a superhero flick, or a bad lesson in Greek mythology, hopping between the three at random intervals and never properly connecting them. It's essentially the same story for the characters, most of them having a loose connection to each other that is never properly delved into or explored.

The characters themselves are irritating enough, partially because they're shallow cardboard cut-outs with very basic and clichéd wants and needs, but mostly because the film constantly tries to trick you into thinking that there's more to them, alluding to some hidden depth that doesn't actually exist. Even when one of them does something out of character, and you're waiting hopefully for some shadowy intentions to be revealed, one of the other walking clichés will happily slap you round the face with the revelation that the other character probably did it on a whim, explaining it with some long winded psychological nattering which in most cases throughout the film can be effectively summed with with "women, eh?".

It's a little harsh to blame the cast when the characters and dialogue is as bad as it is, but the all round dreary and lacklustre performances certainly contributed to the lack of entertainment the film provides. While it was difficult to expect much from lead Gabriel Macht with his wafer thin pedigree, even big names such as Scarlett Johansson and Samuel L. Jackson - a man who usually radiates awesome - were incredibly clunky and overly dramatic in their performances.

But, to be fair, The Spirit is incredibly clunky and over dramatic in almost every aspect, not least when it tries to convince you that, as well as being deep and mystical, it's also got a darker side. The film couldn't have been blunter or more ham fisted with it's apparently dark and twisted element if it tried, even going as far as having swastikas randomly flare up when the villain is about to give a speech. Sin City barely got away with it's swastika use, mainly because it was only briefly used by a sexy-kung-fu-fighting-ninja-prostitute, which is such a genius concept that we were willing to forgo the sheer cheapness of the swastika use and just roll with it. But in The Spirit, a film where everything is painfully shoddy and cheap, it's laughable.

Where Sin City had plot, and 300 has immense visual spectacle, The Spirit has neither. It's a truly dull film, and the only entertainment to be found here is when you're dreaming after falling asleep. Frank, next time stick to adapting your own graphic novels. Please.

2/5

Anyone else notice that half of the praise said in the trailer for this wasn't quoted from anyone? Ten quid says that they made half of it up and just threw it in there to fool people.

Started the year how he plans to carry it on: full of cynicism - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

TV Review: Top Gear Vietnam Special

2008-12-31T09:18:00.000-08:00

They've turned a Reliant Robin into a space shuttle, driven across the salt flats of Makgadikgadi and even taken a Toyota to the north pole, and this year hit BBC show Top Gear were attempting something that the American's could never achieve - travelling almost one thousand miles from the south of Vietnam to the north. It sounds easy enough but, as fans of the show will know, it's never made easy for the Top Gear trio. Could they complete the eight day challenge, whilst providing their trademark entertainment?

The trio begin in Sigon, where they are each given a shoebox full of a misleading amount of Vietnamese cash. Assuming that the producers have been kind this time, Clarkson, Hammond and May soon realise that they've got little over one thousand US dollars to spend on a vehicle, and with cars being so expensive, they're forced to settle with motorbikes - much to Clarkson's displeasure. So the three set off on their dirt cheap bikes, Hammond and May confident that this will be the easiest challenge they've ever attempted.

As usual, the journey from south to north Vietnam is not quite as simple as they thought it would be. Naturally, an inexperienced Clarkson struggles to get to grips with the bike, while Hammond and May have their own problems. The traffic is insane, making even the busiest western roads looking positively timid. It's the rainy season, so it all comes bucketing down on them. And, being Vietnam, it's damn hot. But the trio soldier on, taking it all in with good humour, mocking each other and pulling the usual pranks along the way.

Naturally, it's the humour and pranks done by the presenters that result in most of the show's entertainment. Whether it's Clarkson's casual racism, Hammond's outright refusal to sample the local cuisine, or just May's usual bumbling there's going to be a lot of parts in the episode that'll make you smile. Since a lot of time is spent in dense cities, as opposed to rural Africa or the Arctic, the presenter's take advantage and buy each other ridiculous presents in an attempt to make the task that little bit harder. It's funny and enjoyable, but that's not all there is to the Vietnam special.

With the infamous Vietnam war taking place little more than thirty years ago, there are a couple of potent moment in the episode when the presenters encounter memorials, sites, or even people who were involved in the conflict. These moments in the show serve as a stark contrast to the light hearted fun during the rest of it, and as a result are made that much more potent.

As fantastic as the episode was, it's easy to say that whatever was on show was constantly upstaged by the incredible setting. Complicated brilliantly with classic music from the 60s and 70s (no prizes for guessing why that was used), Vietnam is another phenomenal location for the Top Gear team to explore. It's a massive culture shock, and an fantastically interesting insight into a country that unfortunately better known for a fateful war, than it's apparently beauty.

It's another triumph for Top Gear, as they not only offer an great insight into Vietnamese culture and life, but provide a lot of fun and laughter at the same time. It's great to see Top Gear still going strong after so long, and the Vietnam Special is no exception.

5/5

I'm really annoyed that I couldn't work "...in the world" somewhere into this.

Has been writing too much and has forgotten what real people look like - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Game Review: Tomb Raider: Underworld

2008-12-26T14:45:00.000-08:00

Lara Croft returns with the latest instalment in the Tomb Raider series; Tomb Raider: Underworld. With the series' successes over the past twelve years, there was a lot expected of everyone's favourite buxom adventurer. With some new gadgets, tricks, and low cut tops, could Lara Croft impress once again?

Carrying on from where Anniversary and Legend left off, the story in Tomb Raider: Underworld is very familiar. As per usual Lara Croft, a posh English woman with a taste for adventuring, is searching for an ancient and powerful artefact, to prevent an evil force from claiming it for themselves. If you haven't played the previous Tomb Raider games you might want to get yourself up to date with the recent goings on - there's a handy "previously" trailer in the main menu that can help you out with that - otherwise the plot isn't going to make much, if any, sense. However, fans of the series will feel right at home. Full of twists, turns and even a little closure, the story of Tomb Raider: Underworld should have no trouble keeping players interested and satisfied.

I don't think she quite understands the concepts of "tomb" raiding.

Like the story, Tomb Raider: Underworld's gameplay is going to feel very familiar. Lara's learnt a couple of fancy new moves - most of them revolving around combat - but it's essentially unchanged from the old run, jump, fall and repeat method from the old Tomb Raiders. Lara herself is still as fiddly and temperamental as ever, with basic survival instincts seemingly having no place in her mind, as she happily jumps into the tomb's abyss if you're even a little off with the controls. It all results in more frustration that she can wave her lovely, heaving...finger at.

The camera doesn't do anything to help, either. As expected from Tomb Raider, in enclosed spaces it's impossible to get a decent view of anything but Lara's arse or breasts, because apparently the developers at Crystal Dynamics still aren't getting any, but even in open areas it's still almost impossible to work with at points. Sometimes you'll be face with the typical "next ledge is off screen" scenario, when you're only option is to take a desperate leap of faith, and with Lara being the fussy beast that she is, more often than not you'll end up plummeting a few hundred feet to your death. It's been a consistent flaw throughout the series, and it's irritating that so few measures have been taken to prevent it.

It's less a matter of life and death, and more of "how many times will she die"?

The camera does just as few favours to the combat, which is a shame because it really could have used a helping hand. Despite all the new tricks Lara has learnt - including a mastery of the complicated kicking motion - it still feels like a chore, probably because anything bigger than a kitten is going to absorb half a million pistol rounds before it even flinches. The bigger weapons aren't much better, most of them being significantly weaker than a simple kick, and no matter how much fun shooting a tiger in the face with a shotgun is the first time, after twenty or so shots it becomes a little dull, and with Lara as flimsy as she is (possibly the only thing natural about her), you'll probably find yourself dying in a shoot-out more often than you kill. The only real saving grace of the combat is that, no matter what weapon you're using, you're movement is never restricted. There's a certain charm to hopping and flipping around an ancient temple with a shotgun, blasting panthers and giant spiders in the face.

The WWF will have a field day with this one.

Towards the end of the game your efforts will be rewarded with a new weapon, reminiscent of the gravity hammer from Halo 3, and the combat instantly becomes much more fun. Watching Lara hop around levels swatting enemies like insects and flinging them into the abyss is easily the most fun in the whole game. It's just a shame that it doesn't last.

Like most platformers, Tomb Raider: Underworld is a lot of fun when you know what you're doing, but incredibly frustrating when you're stumped. While the game occasionally does a little to help you out - Lara will offer hints and tips on what to do next if you pause the game - for the most part it's going to leave you completely in the dark. It goes without saying that, if you're new to the Tomb Raider series, a walkthrough is recommended, because this game isn't going to hold your hand.

Unlike the previous Tomb Raiders, Underworld has opted for a purely orchestral score, which is absolutely stunning at times, particularly during the game's epic climax. The games looks don't match up quite as well. While you will be treated to some lush, beautiful environments and some awesome underwater worlds, the majority of the tombs you'll be raiding all look the same - grey, dark, and badly lit. Why they've done this is obvious, but it's unattractive, and even succeeds in making some of the platforming or combat more frustrating than it already was.

She's the same temperamental and fickle beastie that she was over ten years ago, but Lara is still on form in Tomb Raider: Underworld. The game is certainly not without it's issues, but if you can put up with the frustration, there's a lot of fun to be had. Just try not to throw you're controller through the screen before the ending.

7/10

You have no idea how hard it was for me to avoid a "Time of the month" joke whenever I used any variation of the word "temperamental".

Always made Lara wear her short shorts, the dirty pervert - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

TV Review: A Matter of Loaf and Death

2008-12-26T07:22:00.000-08:00

Wallace and Gromit made their long awaited return this Christmas with the brilliantly titled A Matter of Loaf and Death. After the phenomenally successful Curse of the Were Rabbit, this latest outing of the plasticine duo was very highly anticipated. Could Wallace and Gromit succeed where another great British series, Doctor Who, had failed earlier in the evening?

As usual, Wallace and Gromit have opted for a different career path this time around. Now the pair are bakers, running a "dough-to-door" delivery service for their company, Top Bun. It's not long before Wallace, in his usual fashion, finds himself a love interest, Piella Bakewell. But, as the couple romance, Gromit investigates the suspicious Piella, revealing the deadly intentions behind her loving acts. It's clever, it's original, and it's damn good fun; all typical of Wallace and Gromit, and as usual kids and adults alike are going to love it.

Loaf and Death is littered with ingenious puns and references. As well as the aforementioned "dough to door" and "Top Bun", there are references to iconic films such as Citizen Kane, Pulp Fiction, and The Sound of Music. They're superbly worked in, and despite their subtlety really add to the laughs the show provides.

This visuals of Wallace and Gromit have remained largely unchanged since the late 80s, when the plasticine figures first showed up. It's the same case in Loaf or Death; the characters are still meticulously modelled by hand from plasticine, and they look better than ever. The animation is nothing short of brilliant, and still have the rustic charm that the features did when they began almost twenty years ago.

Loaf and Death brings a darkness to Wallace and Gromit that it didn't really have before. As well as murder being the driving force behind the plot, the feature also touches on animal abuse, but again does it so subtly that it doesn't detract from the comedic elements of the show, seamlessly alternating between slapstick and seriousness, which is something very few shows are capable of.

It seems Nick Park and Aardman can do no wrong when it comes to Wallace and Gromit, and A Matter of Loaf and Death certainly isn't going to buck the trend. Ingeniously written, brilliantly animated and with more puns and references than you can shake a bread stick at (frankly if I hadn't made a bad bread related joke at some point in this review I would have failed myself as a writer), it's plain to see that the duo are still on top form.

5/5

Thank god I managed to avoid using the term "Christmas Cracker" in the Christmas reviews.

Thinks cheddar is better than Wensleydale anyway - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

TV Review: Doctor Who Christmas Special "The Next Doctor"

2008-12-25T16:42:00.000-08:00

Doctor Who has always held a special place in the hearts of viewers. It's one of those great shows that doesn't take itself too seriously, instead just going all out to entertain and have a bit of fun. But, that said, the Christmas specials haven't always been up to scratch. Would 2008's teasingly titled The Next Doctor be another flop, or could the Doctor deliver?

After spending several Christmases in the present, the Doctor takes a trip to Victorian London. But, as usual, trouble has followed him there, and it's not long before he hears someone calling his name - but not calling for him. As it turns out, another man referring to himself as "The Doctor" is in London, and so are some of his oldest enemies, the Cybermen. What follows is the usual Doctor Who episode; some aliens have a plan to conquer Earth, the Doctor pulls a selection of facial expressions and reels off his usual quips, before saving Christmas and getting a round of applause.

While it's the typical Doctor Who format, the humour, slapstick, and fun were a little lacking. The episode chugged along a little too slowly, and spent a little too much time figuring out the identity of the Victorian Doctor - who, unsurprisingly, is not going to be the next Doctor - and skimmed over the Cybermen and their weird new Cyber-dog-things as if they were only kept around so that they'd have an excuse for a brief CGI sequence at the end of the episode.

The inclusion of the kids seemed incredibly forced, and it didn't help that all the child actors chosen didn't seem to have any idea what they were supposed to be doing, unless the basic direction for kid actors in a scene full of Cybermen is "look very confused". If they'd managed to get a selection of child actors who could pull a facial expression that wouldn't be portrayed on the internet with a colon and a capital "O", it could have worked, but the end result is poor, and feels very out of place. If at any point the episode managed to absorb you, this would knock you right back into reality.

Tennant's performance as the Doctor, too, feels lacklustre. It's plain to see why he's leaving the show, and it seems a lot of the enthusiasm and excitement that he had when he first became the Doctor has gone. The quips are still there, but they feel a little forced, and he doesn't even put as much effort into hamming it up any more. He's been a great Doctor, but it definitely shows that he's reaching the end of his tenure.

By the looks of this Christmas special it appears both writer Russell T Davies and tenth Doctor David Tennant won't be going out with a bang, unless the cheesy CGI explosions count. The episode just lacked in any flair or fun, and without those elements Doctor Who is barely passable as entertainment. It's another Christmas disappointment from the Doctor, and with Davies in charge of three of the specials next year, it looks like a bleak year for the Time Lord.

2/5

Does it really matter who the next Doctor is? All the role needs is an Englishman with big hair.

Is bigger on the inside...wait, what? - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

TV Review: Heroes Season 3, Episode 13 "Dual"

2008-12-21T16:17:00.000-08:00

With the third volume of Heroes coming to a close the final episode had to go out with a bang, to whet our appetites for the series' return in the new year. But with the season going around in circles, it was a toss up as to whether the finale, Dual, would please fans or simply frustrate them further.

Sylar replaces Mohinder for the opening speech, babbling on about the character's choices over the series before he unintentionally labels Heroes' plot and characters as the "ultimate cosmic joke". It's nice to see that the pretentious preaching is starting to make some sense.

The bulk of Dual is spent alternating between the two companies, with Peter and Nathan facing off at Pinehearst while Sylar toys with his prey at Primatech.

After incapacitating Nathan, Peter, everyone's favourite combat nurse, forms an uneasy partnership with Knox and Flint, and sets out to destroy the formula, and the cull of characters begins. First there's the random marine, who has so little screen time before his death that it's any wonder he was even introduced in the first place. It's even more mind boggling that the previous episode spent all that time giving him a tragic back story, attempting to highlight the tragedy of soldiers deaths in the Iraq war, but happily kills off this one without any of the characters so much as shedding a tear. In a season full of inconsistency and contradiction, this is possibly one of the most blatant examples of it yet.

Then there's Knox, who's death is brushed over just as quickly as the marine's. Why he's been cut from the show is another confusing move by the writers. Knox's character has masses of potential, not only because of his character but also because of his ability, which not only complimented his character as a villain, but also gave him a weakness and allowed him to be manipulated. He's the perfect character for something like Heroes, and tossing him aside after such a brief stint seems like such a waste.

The cull continues at Primatech, as Sylar puts the building on lock down, and pits the heroes against each other. It's a massive contrast to the fast paced action at Pinehearst, instead going for a more chilling, psychological horror angle. The scenes here make up the best parts of the episode, and at times are superbly done, but it never quite cuts it. It's far too predictable, so no matter what's on show there's never any real horror or excitement, which really takes the edge off what is otherwise a superbly done couple of scenes. At least, apart from one unintentional innuendo, when Claire reveals that she'd like to give Sylar a good spanking. Sometimes you just have to wonder if someone actually proofreads the script before it's sent out.

The rest of the episode is made up of Ando, Daphne and Matt trying to save Hiro, who is trapped in the past. To do this, they give Ando the formula, hoping that he'll end up with the ability to time travel. Instead, he becomes a "super charger", because having two characters with the same ability just doesn't happen (apart from West, but he was always an anomaly in every possible sense). The super charger ability is one that, as well as being conveniently different, just happens to work perfectly, as combined with Daphne's super speed. I'm fairly sure that every Heroes fan is a bona fide nerd at heart, so spotting the link to Einstein's theory of relativity shouldn't have been a difficult task for most of the audience, but instead Heroes decides to mount it's highest horse and patronise us for a little bit, before Matt delivers the least subtle "Hey kids, stay in school" message you'll ever see outside of Saturday morning cartoons. Apart from that blip, and Daphne's hilariously bad description of how she travelled in time (genuinely using "And you were there, and you were there"), it's surprisingly entertaining, and provides some welcome comic relief in what is otherwise a very serious episode.

It's not hard to guess that the end of Dual invariably concludes with the formula being destroyed in the most dramatic fashion possible (clue: it just happens to be highly combustible). But with Arthur dead, Sylar back to his old self, most of the new additions to the cast killed off and now the formula destroyed, it seems that we're right back where we started thirteen episodes ago, with the whole of volume three just going around in a big circle. The plot hasn't progressed, we have no deeper knowledge of the characters - other than the fact that they've all had some sort of weapons training in-between seasons - and it's fair to say that Heroes isn't learning from some of it's mistakes, still insisting on romantic sub plots. All the potential the show had in the first season seems to have slowly ebbed away, and we've been left with a series that doesn't know what to do with itself, and the rare occasion that the quality does shine through hardly seems worth it for all the dithering and backtracking that we have to put up with.

3/5

You know what though, I'll still be watching volume four, just because it gives me something to write about. I'm just that cool.

Would also give Sylar a good spanking - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Film Review: Twilight

2008-12-20T10:54:00.000-08:00

Adapted from Stephenie Meyer's popular romance novel, Twilight had a variety of reputations to live up to, and to shake off. Cited by some for capturing the true essence of romance, and others for being over rated and repetitive literary dross, director Catherine Hardwicke had some huge challenges to overcome. Could she silence the doubters, while simultaneously giving the die-hard fans the film they so desperately wanted?

Twilight opens with Bella, portrayed by Kristen Stewert, voicing over a scene in which a lonely fawn is chased through the forest by an unknown predator, unsubtly conveying the outline of the film's plot. The symbolism is tragically obvious; the fawn resembling the innocent and vulnerable Bella, whilst the feral predator is her love interest Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), a vampire.

The plot advances at a snails pace, as we see Bella and Edward go through all the trademark awkwardness of a high school relationship. There's the awkward glances across the lunch hall, the awkward conversations in classes, and the awkward silences that usually follow with Edward and his gigantic coiffure storming out of the room. Everything, from the movement and expressions of the characters to the lines and their delivery, is over dramatised to the point where it all becomes laughable, apart from the occasional moments when it crosses the line into being painfully embarrassing to watch. Don't be surprised if you end up missing a lot of the film from burying your face in your hands. Don't worry though, it's likely that all you're missing is an extreme close up of someone's eyes.

Twilight doesn't really kick into gear until the last thirty minutes, when Edward's family of humanitarian vampires are confronted by a trio of more typical, bloodthirsty vampires. When they pick up Bella's scent, an obsessive hunt begins, as Bella is chased across the country by James (Cam Gigandet), a tracker vampire. By no means is it good, it still suffers from most of the flaws of the first three quarters of the film, but the added pace and action leave you feeling at least slightly entertained.

On top of this, Twilight is yet another example of a shoddy book-to-film adaptation. While the outlines of the story remain the same, there's the usual case of scenes from the novel being scrapped, or replaced with scenes that never happened. But, to be fair, it's easy to see why things were rearranged, as some of the lines that do make it into the screenplay are simply woeful, including a hilariously bad pun, when Edward describes Bella as being "like a drug, my own personal heroin", a line which better belongs in a badly written Harry Potter fan-fiction. The concept of vampires glittering like diamonds in sunlight, as opposed to the traditional combustion, is reduced to a couple of brief scenes, where Edward looks less like a glittering diamond and more like he's got a sticky vampiric sweat on.

Twilight is poor, as an adaptation and as a film. There are so few saving graces you'd have to amputate both hands if you wanted to count them on your fingers, and it's certainly not going to silence any critics of the novel, or satisfy the average film goer. But, if you're a fan, then this is worth checking out. A little plot meddling isn't going to ruin the greatest romantic epic of our time, is it?

2/5

What kind of blockbuster movie has a Volvo as the character's vehicle of choice?

Tell me that I deserve to die and have no understanding of the concept of true romance - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

TV Review: Heroes Season 3, Episode 12 "Our Father"

2008-12-17T07:16:00.000-08:00

After Sylar abandoned his rehabilitation and pissed a whole season of character development up the wall for no obvious reason in The Eclipse, Part Two it was difficult to see the last two episodes of Heroes going anywhere except circles. Hopefully episode twelve, Our Father, could silence any doubts.

Most of the episode takes place in the past, with Hiro trying to regain his memory, and Claire trying to prevent herself becoming the catalyst. After discovering that his mother can convenient heal after watching her nurse a dove back to health (that's some subtle symbolism you've got there, Heroes), Hiro tries to convince his mother to heal his mind, although not before being forced to cook her a meal - he ends up serving her waffles, as if that joke wasn't old already - and doing the obligatory simultaneous glasses adjustment with his younger self. It's trying to be cute more than anything, which ten year old Hiro is more than capable of, and while the scenes lack any real substance (aside from a fairly potent final scene between Hiro and his mother) it's fairly enjoyable.

Claire, meanwhile, is babysitting for her younger self after immediately securing the trust of her mother. Now I don't know many new mothers, but I'm fairly sure that no matter how overwhelmed you are, handing over your new adopted baby to a complete stranger is not the done thing? Masquerading as a neighbour's niece, Claire is easily caught out by Noah, but after she successfully persuades him she is trust worthy (although it's not clear why the incredibly sceptical and wary Noah trusts her so easily), she convinces him not to answer the call from the Company, preventing her from becoming the catalyst. Again, like the Hiro scenes it's going for a cuter theme than Heroes usually goes for, but since there's a baby involved it gets away with it. But there's still the issue of why two new parents would immediately trust a random girl with their child so readily. Come on Heroes, at least the social, real life aspect of the show has to be slightly believable.

Ando, Matt and Daphne continue to search for the last story of 9th Wonders in New York. After chasing down the reluctant bike messenger, they finally get their hands on Isaac Mendez's sketchbook, which seems to have miraculously changed colour from red to black over the course of the series. In it, they find the last story of 9th Wonders, depicting Hiro "lost in time". Which doesn't so much pose the question "how does Hiro get lost in time?", as "how does Isaac Mendez manage to paint the past?". Isaac Mendez paints the future, so how is he managing to accurately depict events fifteen years before his death in season one, when he wasn't present? Still, at least this is the last 9th Wonders and they can't refer back to it. It's not as if they're making it up as they go along, or anything like that, right? Oh...

With Elle's phone giving him a whole new list of people with abilities, Sylar goes after Sue Landers, a human lie detector. In rediscovering his hunger, Sylar also seems to have found a sense of humour, and the dark lines he utters make for some of the funniest moments in the show.

Peter, gun in hand (seriously, when did a nurse learn to fire a gun?), sets off with the Haitian to kill Arthur. After breaking through the robust Pinehearst security, consisting of one man asking for ID, they confront Arthur, who realises they're hunting him through an unintentionally hilarious "I sense a disturbance in the Force" moment. Father and son spend the next five minutes chatting until Peter finally pulls the trigger, only for the bullet to stop, spinning in the air, which was an effortlessly cool effect, and Sylar reappears.

The motivation behind Sylar stealing the power of lie detection was to undo a lot of this season's plot - haven't I written that line before? - and reveal that Sylar is, in fact, not a a Petrelli, which helps explain why the "I am your mother" line in the third episode was so brushed over and unconvincing. Then this just raises another question; how did Sylar randomly get empathetic mimicry, without being related to Peter? Now, two characters having the same power isn't unheard of, that's not the problem. Sylar showed no signs of having mimicry before the link to Peter and Arthur, and without that link even the piss weak explanation given for the ability ("Yeah, you always had it, duh") doesn't help to explain anything. It's a classic case of Heroes tripping over it's own feet and falling flat on it's face in the pile of shit it's laid for itself.

Finally, there's the catalyst, and it's possibly the most ridiculous element of the episode. The whole focus of this season has been on the far-fetched scientific element, and so, quite reasonably, you'd expect the catalyst to be something scientific too, right? Wrong. As it turns out, the catalyst is a magical light, passed on from one person or another through touch, it's about as scientific as Merlin joyriding Pegasus around Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The scientific side of Heroes has always been weakly reinforced, but the random addition of magic robs it completely of the credibility it never had, and is a dick move of the highest order.

The plot holes are growing larger and more numerous, and the potential Heroes had is slipping away. There's just no direction any more, and it's almost killed my enthusiasm for the series. If the final episode flops, it might be time to give up.

2/5

The sob story for the Pinehearst marine was rubbish, too. He sounded like he was from a bad Tom Clancy game.

Jesus Christ, these are getting long - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Game Review: Prince of Persia

2008-12-16T10:08:00.000-08:00

After the series' success during the last generation of consoles it was only a matter of time before Ubisoft Montreal, the developers behind 2007's Assassin's Creed, attempted to relaunch the Prince of Persia franchise. Could the new Prince live up to the standards of the old, or would he fall at the first great leap?

Prince of Persia is the standard Dark versus Light story, with the Prince and his partner Elika fighting to suppress Ahriman, the black, gloopy god of all things corrupt and malevolent. The Prince himself is, simply put, one of the most arrogant characters in any game, reinforcing just about every possible stereotype and without an ounce of originality or wit in his character or speech. Elika isn't much better, playing that irritatingly Disney-esque Princess - who's strength is apparently hindered by her tiny, beautiful shell - a character that has been used so many times that she is now entirely predictable. With the Prince and Elika being polar opposites there's a lot of banter throughout the game, usually revolving around asking and subsequently evading personal questions, or each character's philosophy on the world, perfectly regurgitated from 'The Clichéd Guide to the Inner Workings of Heroes and Heroines'.
Did I mention she could use magic? No? Well, you probably could have figured it out anyway.

However, while the characters may get on your nerves, it won't be enough for you to stop playing, thanks to Prince of Persia's excellent gameplay.

Most of your time playing Prince of Persia will be spent running, jumping, and falling down holes, in true platformer style, although somehow without the frustration and irritation that usually comes as standard in similar games. The platforming element is extremely well polished and refined, and Ubisoft have nailed the flow that can make other, similar games great. Admittedly, it can occasionally feel a little simplistic because you'll often be attempting similar, and fairly basic, challenges, and it's not nearly as frantic as other platforming experiences on the 360 (such as Ninja Gaiden II), so seasoned or veteran gamers may find Prince of Persia a little easy, at times.

Early into the game, you'll unlock Power Plates, which open up a whole new dimension of platforming - and the basic platforming is hardly restrictive! Running up walls and along roofs, being blown by divine winds across the world and even flight are all now possible, and despite the games inherent linearity, gives a fantastic sense of freedom. They add to the difficulty, too, as later levels require you to meticulously combine basic platforming with the power plates, resulting in an incredibly satisfactory spectacle.

Combat takes a back seat in Prince of Persia, and on the rare occasion it does take place you'll be locked into it, and forced to fight. When it comes to controlling the Prince in combat it's similar to Assassin's Creed, encouraging you to wait for the opportune moment before attacking your enemy. Unfortunately, while the combat is fairly enjoyably the first time round, it quickly becomes quite repetitive, as you'll only fight six different types of enemy, and most will be fought the same way. Also, once you've figured out how to effectively deflect attacks (which won't be hard, because half the time you'll be prompted), the combat becomes insultingly easy, and more a test of graft than skill.

The combat isn't the only thing that resembles Assassin's Creed...

As well as being important to the story, Elika also plays a very important role in the gameplay. As well as being used in platforming and combat, Elika's unique talents also prevent you from properly dying at any point in the game. Admittedly this isn't really different to any other game that uses checkpoints or autosaves, but having the game hold your hand so tightly does take the edge off the challenge. There isn't that pants-crapping panic after you've made the wrong jump, or the in depth planning of a difficult looking run, because you'll never be punished for it without as much as a snide remark. It's not something that more seasoned or veteran players are going to appreciate.

Even strong, independent princesses can't turn down a piggy back ride.

Prince of Persia boasts a unique art style, similar to a comic book. As you traverse the huge palace you'll be stunned by some of the views, and it only becomes more impressive as you play. As you gradually bring light back into the world, you'll be treated to incredible colours, which contrast the dark, gloomy worlds controlled by Ahriman beautifully. The musical score, too, is gorgeous, and again there is a noticeable contrast between the music for the light and dark worlds. It works perfectly in tune with the game's world, creating a superb cinematic experience.

Prince of Persia makes the leap between generations with style. While there are flaws, it remains a stylish and fun game, and arguably one of the best platformers on the 360. If you liked Assassin's Creed, this is definitely worth a look.

8/10

Then again, Disney is making the Prince of Persia film, maybe that's why the characters were ripped right out of Aladdin.

Still gutted he never unlocked the Assassin's Creed costume - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

TV Review: Heroes Season 3, Episode 11 "The Eclipse, Part Two"

2008-12-10T12:07:00.001-08:00

There were high expectations for the second part of The Eclipse. But, despite following on from a solid and entertaining episode, there's always the possibility of a Heroes episode being just another disappointment. Hopefully, with the series seemingly going in the right direction again, this wouldn't be the case.

The episode opens with Hiro and Ando in a comic book store, owned by cameo kings Seth Green and Breckin Meyer. Believing he is still ten years old, Hiro frantically searches through the old issues of 9th Wonders, in an attempt to regain his lost memory. How 9th Wonders is still being published is still a mystery since the artist, Isaac Mendez, died over a year ago in this story arc. Maybe that one is best left unexplained. As per usual, the scenes with the ten year old Hiro are funny, charming viewing, and the cameos from Seth Green and Breckin Meyer (you know, that guy from er...what was he in again?) only add to the entertainment value.

We rejoin Sylar and Elle, who we saw through the sight of Noah's rifle at the end of the first part, curled up underneath a sheet after doing the super hero business. Despite having a perfect shot, it seems that the man with the horn rimmed glasses had instead opted for watching and having a brief self-fondle while watching the couple's antics. When he finally does take the shot (no, not like that), he misses, and is forced to give chase. Eventually he is confronted by a powerless Sylar, and wastes no time in kicking his arse and slitting his throat.

Meanwhile Claire, who has fallen into a critical condition, is dying in hospital, unable to repel the infections that swarmed through her body upon losing her powers. Nothing to do with the bullet wound though, obviously. Halfway through her stint in hospital, she codes and momentarily dies, in one of the most disturbing scenes in the show to date.

Conveniently, shortly after Claire and Sylar's death the Eclipse ends, conveyed oh-so-subtly with a hilariously overdone shot where the sunlight gradually creeps through the window onto Claire's unconscious body as she is revived. Conversely, the ending of the eclipse is a inconvenience for Mohinder, who finds his scales have regrown just as he is about to rekindle his relationship with Maya.

The eclipse brings back powers across the globe, which allows Nathan, Peter and the Haitian to fight their way in and out of Baron Samedi's military camp, saving the damsels in distress as they go. The fight scene raised a couple of questions; like when did Peter, a New York nurse, learn to fire a machine gun? However that question takes a back seat to asking why the hell the Haitian isn't included more in the series. Not only does he have a great power both in and outside of fights, he's a fairly complex and mysterious character, as well as being superbly portrayed by Jimmy Jean-Louis. Why he's constantly pushed to the fringes of the show to be replaced with girly-haired High School Musical rejects like West or yokel dullards like Flint is beyond reasoning.

With their powers back, Sylar and Elle do not hesitate in tracking down Claire, and hold the Bennet family hostage. At least, they do until Hiro Nakamura comically shows up and teleports the couple to a random beach. Then Heroes pulls off another one of it's famous dick moves, as Sylar decides that all his rehabilitation over the course of the season was pointless. Why does Heroes insist on developing characters or plots up to the point when it's about to get interesting, before doing another U-turn and wasting all of our time. There's no point, other than to continue to drag out the series with another season or two, and it's genuinely pathetic.

Even though the end of the episode was a heavy hint that the series is about to take yet another nose dive into the deep pits of mediocrity, the episode itself wasn't bad. It's a little heavy on the cheese sometimes, and as usual Heroes' trademark inconsistency is lurking around the corner of every scene, but that's to be expected. On the whole, it's still an enjoyable episode, and probably one of the better episodes this season.

3/5

Matt and Daphne also spend some time standing in a corn field talking about scare crows. Even the ass who wrote the Claire and West scenes was laughing at that.

Is thinking of starting a Haitian fan club - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

So, December then.

2008-12-04T11:54:00.000-08:00

With my review of Mirror's Edge, I hit a personal milestone of 50 written reviews, which I'm very happy about. Mostly because I've proven to myself that I can actually commit to something, which I've never really been able to do before.

I've got a few reviews planned for this month, too. Prince of Persia, Sonic Unleashed, and some of the other big games from the pre Christmas rush are on my list. There's also some downloadable content coming out for Fable 2 which I'll be looking to review.

Then there's Twilight, a film coming out in the UK on December 19th, and I'm really looking forward to this one. Not because I'm a fan of the books, or because I liked the look of the trailers. But because I think it will be bad, which gives me an chance to try out some more comedic or cynical writing, which I love doing. There's also a new Wallace and Gromit film out this Christmas, and it would be criminal if I didn't do a write up on that!

I'll be continuing the written TV reviews as usual, but there's something that I've wanted to try for a while, and that's a video review of the entire third season of Heroes. I'll be going for a different angle with the video reviews than I would with a written review. The balance will still be there, but it'll be hidden under several layers of cynical and crude rantings, similar to Charlie Brooker's style on his show 'Screenwipe'. I'm not sure how it will turn out, but I'll try and make it entertaining.

Hope you've enjoyed the reviews I wrote in November, and I hope you like whatever I come up with this month. As usual, feedback is more than welcome!

Cheers,

Tom

The cumulative word count for my first 50 reviews is 40,816. Which is 10,000 less than what my girlfriend managed in her one month of NaNoWriMo. Damn...

Refuses to dress up as Mrs Clause this year...again - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

TV Review: Heroes Season 3, Episode 10 "The Eclipse, Part One"

2008-12-03T10:28:00.000-08:00

The third season of Heroes is drawing to a close, and there is only so much more side swapping and line smudging to be done before the shows dramatic climax. With episode ten's focal point being a huge astronomical event, hopefully 'The Eclipse, Part One' could take place on a similarly impressive scale.

With Daphne and Matt experiencing trust issues, a lot of the episode is spent following the couple, joined by Ando and Hiro (who is still convinced that he is ten years old). While the romantic element is, as always, flat and clichéd, the presence of Ando and Hiro make the scenes infinitely more enjoyable. It's a reminder of how appealing the characters were in season one, back when they only spoke Japanese and when Hiro acted as if he was in a comic book. There are some quality lines and scenes, including one where Hiro flings corn at a bewildered Matt, and it's genuinely funny. And, for once, it's intentional. It doesn't do much, if anything, to advance the plot, but it's so entertaining you won't care.

Meanwhile, Sylar and Elle are attempting to track down Claire Bennet, the catalyst to the formula (which is possibly the most obvious plot twist in the entire series so far). Unlike Matt and Daphne, the relationship between Sylar and Elle is much more bearable, partly thanks to the characters themselves, and partly thanks to the depth and complexity of the relationship (even if it was made up to kill fifteen minutes of a flashback episode, it's still effective). The pair are constantly challenging each other, and the chemistry between the characters makes for great viewing, although the motivation behind the challenges is sketchy, at best.

The eclipse - the episodes namesake – happens halfway through the episode, and as a result everyone loses their powers. Why this happens hasn't been explained yet, although the scaly Spiderman is sure to deliver a half-arsed explanation at some point. With DNA, adrenaline, formulas, viruses and now the moon having some effect on the extra ordinary abilities, Heroes is rapidly loosing the credibility and believability that it barely ever had. If the show didn't insist on taking itself so seriously, this wouldn't be an issue.

The loss in powers forces Nathan and Peter, who are searching for the Haitian, to fall into the jungle. The conflict between the two - with Peter confronting Nathan about the future, believing that Nathan will join his father and destroy the world – is a nice reminder of the characters interactions in the first season, as the powerless but moral younger brother tries to help his corruptible sibling. Peter reprising the role that made him such a popular character in the first season is excellent, and it's a massive improvement on the supercharged, overly dramatic version of Peter that we've been subjected to for the bulk of season two and three.

Episode ten builds up the suspension well for the next episode, and has managed a steady balance between comedic and serious elements. Mohinder and his silly theories get a little too much time, but otherwise it's a solid, entertaining episode.

3/5

If you were wondering why Claire and Mohinder are barely mentioned in the review, it's because all Claire did is hit things with sticks, and all Mohinder did was waffle and cough.

Never thought he'd start to like Peter again - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Game Review: Mirror's Edge

2008-11-27T16:10:00.000-08:00

There was a lot of anticipation for Mirror's Edge on release. Possessing an original concept, with great visuals and gameplay to back it up, it didn't seem like a lot could go wrong. Could Mirror's Edge live up to it's potential, and become one of the best games of 2008?

In Mirror's Edge you'll assume the role of Faith, a free runner. After your sister is framed for murdering a politician, you'll use your skills to track down and kill the men who were behind it all, while trying to uncover a secret government project. While it's full of betrayal and conspiracy, it's ultimately unsatisfying. The twists are predictable, and the ending is just setting up for another sequel, never mind the fact that it's criminally short by any game's standards.

The key element of Mirror's Edge's gameplay is the platforming, which innovatively takes place in the first person. First person platforming hasn't really been attempted before, so it's all the more impressive that DICE have created a game that flows as smoothly as Mirror's Edge. The excellent control scheme allows you to move through levels with grace and fluidity, and it's an incredibly fun experience. It's has the potential to be incredibly frustrating, as to be expected from a platformer, but for the most part, it's an original, intuitive and smooth experience.

Oh, and don't fall down. That's probably the most important thing.

Mirror's Edge is also playable as a first person shooter. Since the emphasis is on movement, you'll never carry guns around, so you'll have to obtain them from disarming or knocking out opponents, and you'll have to be creative to get past groups of enemies in later levels. The shooting itself is average with larger weapons since they restrict your movement and slow the games pace. But, with smaller weapons, it's excellent, as you're still free to do all the stylish movements and actions that you're used to doing. With the handy bullet time (it's called reflex time, but it's not fooling anyone), this is probably the closest you'll get to being in The Matrix, it's awesome.

Unfortunately, once the initial novelty wears off, Mirror's Edge becomes irritatingly repetitive. Because you'll find the same guns, fight the same enemies and run around very similar, linear environments, Mirror's Edge quickly stops being a new, fresh experience. For something that has tried to capture the essence of parkour - the freedom of movement - to be so linear is a massive disappointment.

Hint: Wanting to use colours other than grey is fine... but replacing it with only one other colour doesn't really work.

There's nothing in the way of multiplayer either, which is a shame, because as you play through the game you'll realise just how excellent it could have been. All the ingredients for an excellent online multiplayer are there - superb player movement, slow-motion, a variety of guns – and it's so disappointing when you start to think just how cool it could have been.

The lack of multiplayer would have been forgiveable if the single player had any length or replay value. The story lasts approximately one hour if you aim for the speed run times (which aren't particularly difficult), and once you're done with them, all you can do is time trials on old levels. It's so underwhelming to have a game receive all this hype, and be beatable in two hours.

Once the story is done, all there is left to do is follow this red thing around the Time Trials. How exciting.

Mirror's Edge bears many similarities to Valve's excellent Portal, sharing both it's good and bad aspects. Both are original and creative, but both are incredibly short. But there's a significant difference between the two: Portal was the third game in the Orange Box, it was sold alongside Half Live 2 and Team Fortress 2, not as a stand alone game, which made the short length forgiveable. As a stand alone game, the flaws in Mirror's Edge can't be glanced over. There just isn't enough to it to justify the short length, or the lack of replay value. Or the price tag.

What Mirror's Edge has is good. The platforming is refined, the shooting is decent, and the graphics and soundtrack are genuinely beautiful at times. But it's all condensed into this neat little one hour package, which cannot justify the cost. It barely justifies the rent.

6/10

You'll probably get the full experience of Mirror's Edge by just playing the demo fifty times. Except that's free.

At least I didn't have to review another sequel - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

TV Review: Heroes Season 3, Episode 9

2008-11-23T08:40:00.000-08:00

The third season of Heroes has been in a downward spiral as of late, thanks to it's irritating inconsistency, poor writing and mind numbing pretentiousness. But, with Heroes there's always the chance that it'll pick itself up again. Hopefully episode nine “It's Coming”(here come the double entendres) would be the beginning of Heroes dragging itself out of mediocrity.

After a few minutes of Mohinder's inane babbling (why isn't he dead yet?) episode nine picks up immediately from where the previous episode left off, with Rafiki decapitated and Hiro being tortured by Arthur Petrelli. But, while Arthur is distracted by a painting of an eclipse, Hiro and Ando make their escape, only to discover that, after having some of his memories removed, Hiro believes he is ten years old. It's hard to say whether this is a bad move or a good one, because while it's incredibly silly, it's simultaneously charming and amusing, and so long as it isn't dragged out, it's still a welcome break from Heroes' drama.

At Pinehearst, Arthur decides to teach Sylar to access his empathy (which he apparently had all along, and isn't just a random plot device, honest), and give him the ability to obtain other powers without his signature zombie-esque brain trick. To do so, Sylar must reconcile with Elle, and after being electrocuted to the point where he is left conveniently topless, he absorbs her powers through empathy (Peter Petrelli style). While the effects in this scene are genuinely impressive, the reconciliation between the characters looks to be leading into yet another romantic sub-plot, and we all know how bad Heroes is at those.

Meanwhile, as Claire and Peter prepare to go on the run, they are tracked down by Knox and Flint. In an attempt to protect Peter, Claire assures him that she has a plan, which turns out to be chatting to Knox and Flint for a while, before jumping out of a window. Good plan, Claire.

Matt and Daphne search for help at the Company, only to find Angela Petrelli, still in her coma. As Matt ventures into her mind in a bit to free her, Daphne alerts Arthur of Matt's intentions, leading to a confrontation in Angela's mind. While the scene is fairly cleverly shot, it's upstaged by the poor romantic dialogue between Matt and Daphne, as the couple openly declare their love. It's predictable, borderline nauseating, and a harsh reminder of just how bad the Heroes writers are when it comes to romance.

While it's an improvement on the previous episodes, it's become apparent Heroes isn't learning from it's mistakes. It's insistence on romantic sub-plots, weak plot devices and slow development (why has the line between heroes and villains only just been drawn?) makes me wonder if the show will ever reach the standards of the first season. There isn't even Dania Ramírez anymore. Boo.

3/5

When did Daphne fall in love with Matt anyway? She thought he was a stalker two days ago.

Is trying to think of synonyms for "inconsistency"- tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Game Review: Gears of War 2

2008-11-21T14:00:00.000-08:00

After the success of the first Gears of War, there were high expectations for Gears of War 2. With new weapons, multiplayer maps, and gametypes, it looked like Gears of War 2 was going to be a little more than the typical sequel.

In Gears of War 2 you'll reprise the role of Marcus Fenix, in the continued struggle against the locust horde. The bulk of the plot is fairly average, and most of it can be summed up with “Isn't everything manly”. But there are some surprisingly potent moments, which are genuinely well done. Seeing these tragic moments in a game such as Gears of War 2, which is full of senseless violence and gore, makes them all the more effective, and you'll find yourself actually sympathising with the characters. It might be a little cliché, but it's genuinely well written and cinematic, and not many games are capable of this.

The campaign's single player, too, is a significant improvement on the first game. While it stays true to the “cover and shoot” gameplay, the variety of environments and scenarios makes it much more enjoyable, and constantly keeps the gameplay fresh. The vehicle sections – which were the weakest part of the original – have been tuned up, and have become some of the strongest, and most enjoyable, parts of the game. The best of these vehicle sections are saved until the ending, giving Gears of War 2 one of the most frantic, destructive and enjoyable climaxes in any game on the 360.

At a glance, Gears of War 2 could be dismissed as a typical sequel. The emphasis was definitely on giving the player more; whether it be more weapons, maps, or shades of grey. But, instead of just being thrown in for effect, everything new in Gears of War 2 adds a lot of depth and variety that the first game didn't really have. It's resulted in a gameplay experience that allows you to approach the game as you see fit, depending on personal preferences or the in-game scenario, as well as constantly keeping the game fresh.

Real men use chainsaws

I didn't have a lot of opportunity to play the online multiplayer, because if you aren't prepared to cobble a team together before going into versus matches, you'll find that you could be waiting around for a while for a game, almost as if the game is punishing you for not having enough friends. Still, at least there's the option to play with AI bots, which more than makes up for this.

The reason I didn't have much chance to try the online aspects of the game is because Gears of War 2's Horde mode seemed to be the most popular choice when it came to the multiplayer. The mode has a distinct arcade-y feel, as you and up to four others battle wave after wave of enemies on your way to victory. As you progress, the enemies become stronger, faster, and more numerous, and while it may sound repetitive, it's also frantic, addictive, and damn good fun. Think “Geometry Wars, but designed by Leatherface”.

You think these guys look tough? Wait for the next wave...

One of the best things about the first Gears of War was the excessive amounts of gore, and that makes a welcome return in this game. For the most part, it remains unchanged. Chainsaws will still slice opponents in half, sniping an enemy will cause his head to pop like a balloon, and if you're hit by an explosive expect to find your head in a drain on one side of the map and your arse in a tree on the other. All this is good, and you can't help but appreciate it, but it feels like some elements of the gore have been toned down a little bit. Bodies no longer explode majestically when you hit them point blank with a shotgun, and you can't mercilessly slice up the corpse of an enemy in a grotesque victory dance, both of which were always hilarious and satisfying in equal measure, and it's a shame that some of the gore has been left out. But, since you can now shove a chainsaw up a Locust's arse, who am I to complain?

Ooh, isn't it gloopy

While most of the game feels well polished, there are a couple of glitches to be found, involving the cover system. Most of the time it'll work fine, but occasionally you'll find yourself not skidding to the cover, instead rolling into it and standing back up again. And while vaulting over cover, you may find that, instead of simply vaulting over, your character will ping several metres into open ground, which is a nightmare if you're under fire. But, fortunately these are the kind of niggling details that can easily be fixed with a patch.

Overall though, Gears of War 2 is a big step up from the first game. Everything that could have been improved in the first game has been. It may seem like a typical sequel, but once you start playing, you'll realise that Gears of War 2 is much more than that.

9/10

I used the word "climax" for a reason. It is just that good.

Instead of using a chainsaw, cowered behind his shield like a girl - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Film Review: Quantum of Solace

2008-11-17T10:53:00.000-08:00

Directly following on from 2006's 'Casino Royale', Bond's latest outing 'Quantum of Solace' is the first true sequel of the Bond series. After the success of Casino Royale, the series had set itself very high expectations. Hopefully, the bizarrely titled Quantum of Solace could deliver.

Quantum of Solace sparks into life immediately, as we find Bond (Daniel Craig) engaged in a car chase, shortly after the events of the previous film. After meeting up with M (Judi Dench) in Siena, the pair are betrayed by M's bodyguard, which kicks off the plot. Unfortunately, this is also the point where the film stops making any sense. It doesn't seem to know which topical subject it's trying to give a vague commentary on, alternating between civil wars, oil, drought and corrupt government organisations faster than you can say “Shaken, not stirred”. After Casino Royale, the plot is a bit of a let down, although with a title like Quantum of Solace, it's hardly surprising.

On the plus side, what the film lacks in plot, it makes up for in action and locations. As well as the opening car chase, there's also a boat, plane, and rooftop chase, all frantically paced and none of them unnecessarily drawn out. Bond has also stopped treating his body count like a golf score, instead opting for a more brutal approach, which is always engaging and gritty. The film seems to have taken more than a couple of notes from the Bourne movies when it comes to action and location hopping, and this is no bad thing, as it's resulted in a fast paced, action packed experience that, while occasionally clunky, is nevertheless entertaining.

While the performances in general are good, they all pale in comparison to Daniel Craig. After deservedly reprising the role after his excellent portrayal of Bond in Casino Royale, Craig is no worse in Quantum of Solace, with an great performance throughout. The man is an immense talent, and a true method actor (performing many of his stunts in the film), and his consistently great performances should convince any doubters that he is a more than suitable choice for the lead role.

While it's not going to please the hardcore Bond fans, who insist on clinging to their ideals of a stereotyped and altogether dated and predictable Bond, Quantum of Solace is still a good film. There are some flaws, particularly when it comes to the plot, but it's still a fast paced, gritty, and entertaining film.

3/5

Does anyone know what Quantum of Solace actually means?

Never really liked Pierce Brosnan anyway – tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

TV Review: Heroes Season 3, Episode 8

2008-11-16T04:46:00.000-08:00

Heroes has always talked itself up as a fast paced, pulse pounding show, with ingenious plot twists and top quality special effects. But the latest episode “Villains” has none of that, instead deciding that, instead of advancing the plot, that having a tedious flashback episode explaining some of the underdeveloped minor characters was a smarter move. Oh yeah, this is going to be good.

After another pretentious waffle-a-thon by Mohinder (for fucks sake) we're treated to a scene with the Petrelli family, shortly before Arthur's faked death, and these scenes are the better parts of the episode. The performances are fantastic, some of the lines are just as good, and it's a nice reminder of how much better the characters were in season one - back when Peter was a nurse, and not Captain Drama-pants. What else makes the episode good is Angela Petrelli, and it made me realise that her character has quickly become of the better things about Heroes, probably because she's one of the few characters with actual complexity. Despite always playing the victim she's incredibly manipulative, and with her dark, troubled back story she's an genuinely deep and emotional character. It's a welcome change from the other Barbie and Ken dolls that have been generously dubbed as “characters”, when “over-dramatically positioned cardboard cut-outs” would probably suffice.

Next, there's a few scenes with Sylar and Elle. Turns out that, shortly after he forcefully acquired his telekinetic abilities, Sylar had a wave of consciousness and tried to hang himself. This is all well and good, but I'm starting to wonder where all of Sylar's changes of heart are coming from. He seems to make the extreme change from brutal killer to mild-mannered mothers-boy in a matter of seconds, and while it was fairly believable in the first season (because it wasn't written quite as ham-handedly) it's getting a little silly now. Then there's Elle who, as opposed to being a slightly masochistic sociopath, is now a sweet, innocent company agent. It's gotten to the point where I've given up any hope of the series maintaining any kind of consistency, although that doesn't mean I'm going to stop complaining about it.

Finally, there's Meredith and Flint, and I'm struggling to see what the point was in these parts of the episode. We all knew Flint was only included to be big, dumb, ugly and tough, but for some reason they felt the need to spend an entire episode reinforcing that.

The whole episode seems pointless, and while the hardcore fans who love the meaningless background knowledge will be satisfied, anyone who doesn't waste their time reading the online graphic novel is going to see the end credits and feel ripped off. It's also a sad reminder of how much better the first season was, back when Noah was a sinister agent, and when Peter wasn't an over-dramatic douche.

And to top it all off – parts of this episode are just clips from season one. If all they can come up with is a glorified clip show then this series has well and truly tanked.

2/5

If they had run the Simpsons' “Sorry for the clip show” song at the end, it would have been forgiveable.

Actually reads the graphic novel – tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Game Review: Fable 2

2008-11-13T17:13:00.000-08:00

Sequel to 2005's 'Fable: The Lost Chapters', Lionhead's 'Fable 2' was released with high expectations. With the critical and commercial successes of the prequels, could Fable 2 make a successful jump into the next generation?

Similar to the prequels, in Fable 2 you'll play through a hero's life, from their grief stricken childhood to their heroic, glorious adulthood. As the hero, you'll travel the world, completing quests and assembling other heroes in an attempt to save the world from certain destruction. Sure, it's been done before, but it's brilliantly told, with compelling characters, and witty writing.

While the storyline is fairly linear, you'll have a lot of choice as to how you approach the rest of Fable 2. Besides the obvious choice between good and evil, there are other choice that are made more subtly. For example; if you walk around a town kicking chickens, people might think you're funny. If you extort someone in the street, they will think you're corrupt. Eat all the pies, and you become a fat bastard. It's a superb, unique system, that allows you to develop a character to your liking.

Not all heroes will adhere to the stereotype.

Fable 2 has something most games don't have; an economy. I don't mean the basic trading that we're used to, I mean an economy that changes and develops based on your actions in the game. So, if you trade a lot in certain regions, or buy a lot of property, the regions wealth will increase. As the worlds wealth increases or decreases, it'll go through various physical changes. Very few other RPGs do this, but none of them uses quite as sophisticated as system as Fable 2 does.

As a hero, you're going to be getting into your fair share of fights, and fortunately Fable 2 has an excellent combat system to accommodate for all the action. With ranged, melee and magic attacks each assigned to individual buttons, the combat system allows you to alternate between different aspects of fighting effortlessly, and you'll find that the combat flows brilliantly. The combat is accessible and intricate in equal measure which means that, while experienced players can enjoy sniping a bandit's left bollock from a mile away, new players can do just as well by button mashing while wielding a giant hammer. The combat system is easily the best in any RPG I've played, offering a slick, flowing experience that is as deep, or as shallow, as you want it to be.

Every gun-toting hero needs a comical mask. It's just the rule.

Unlike other RPGs such as the Elder Scrolls series, Fable 2 allows you to focus on the social aspect, as well as the heroic aspect of your hero. The game allows for genuine social interactions with other NPCs that go beyond receiving quests, giving you the opportunity to develop a relationship with random characters. This gives Fable 2 a more personal feel, and really helps to immerse you into the game, much more than the prequels managed.

While Fable 2 has remained true to the original Fable in many respects, it does bring in some completely new features, and the easiest to notice – and arguably the best – is the dog. It sounds like a silly, pointless accessory, but it's easily the most useful, most intelligent AI in the entire game. Serving as a guide in place of a mini-map, a treasure hunter, helping you in combat and even doing tricks to match your expressions, the dog is a fantastic, and unique part of Fable 2. You'll grow a genuine attachment to it, which is a fantastic feat for any video game.

Another feature Fable 2 introduces to the series is the superb co-op mode. Allowing a second player to drop in and out of the game playing as the heroes henchmen, you'll be able to play through the entire campaign, online or locally. There are a couple of minor qualms, such as how you can only bring your character's stats into the henchmen and not their appearance, and the camera is, occasionally, a little temperamental. But otherwise, it's nothing short of excellent, and a great addition to the Fable series.

As soon as you step into the world of Albion, you'll notice just how beautiful Fable 2 is. The colours are a gorgeous mixture of vibrancy and subtlety, creating a world that has a fantastic, magical vibe, but always feels natural. The art style is equally superb, whether it's Gothic castles leering above you, or just one of the local prostitutes, it's incredibly well designed, and always interesting. From the dank bogs, to the bustling towns, to the lush fields, Fable 2 offers a visual experienced unmatched by any other game on the 360. It's simply stunning.

What isn't gorgeous about this?

To top off an already great game is the original music score, which is nothing short of perfect. Ranging from the slow, mellow music of Albion's lush forests, to the heavy drumbeat of combat, Fable 2 has ideal music for every situation. There's also some superb voice acting, with big names such as Stephen Fry and Zoe Wanamaker lending their talents, and as a result a little extra credibility, to the game.

Fable 2 is one of the best games you'll play on 360. Witty, beautiful and immersive, Fable 2 is a stunning experience that shouldn't be missed by anyone. A near flawless game, it is sure to delight anyone who plays it. If I had to choose a game of the year now, this would probably be it.

9/10

Oh yeah, did I mention that Fable 2 allows you to have orgies? Even if you weren't convinced by the review, I bet you are now. You dirty bugger.

Named his Fable 2 dog after his girlfriend - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

TV Review: Heroes Season 3, Episode 7

2008-11-11T11:37:00.000-08:00

Pretentiousness makes an unwelcome return to Heroes with the seventh episode of the third season. You could see it coming from a mile off, with the title “Eris Quod Sum”. You know something is going to be stuck up it's own arse, when you have to translate the title from a Latin dictionary.

With Eric Doyle back at the Company, Claire and Sandra return home. But, as you'd expect from Heroes, their trouble is not over, as they discover Elle, the ex-company agent, overloading on her own electrical power. After a heated confrontation ending with a...um... water fight, Claire agrees to take Elle to Pinehearst, hoping they can teach her to control her powers.

This is the point that the bad writing kicks in. So far Heroes has managed to steer clear of bad writing, at least clear enough so that it wasn't so noticeable. But in episode seven, you'll really struggle to miss it. Whether it's the unintentional sexual innuendo, or just the poor attempts at witty dialogue – including an embarrassingly witless reference to The Wizard of Oz – it's clear that episode seven has some of the worst dialogue in the series so far. But, on the bright side, Peter exclaiming “You came for me” is unintentional comic genius.

At the end of episode six, you'll remember Peter Petrelli's powers were removed by his father, Arthur. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that a powerless Peter will probably get a little less screen time. But in removing his abilities, they've thrown away the superb plot development, that was giving Peter Sylar's ability. Dicking around with good character developments seems to be something the Heroes writers enjoy doing – such as when Peter was imprisoned in the body of a villain, then taken out again the next episode – and it's starting to kill my faith in the show's plot. As if every time the show does something new and risky, it's inevitably going to wimp out. Maybe I'm just being cynical.

After confronting Nathan and Tracy while declaring that their fight wasn't over, Mohinder instead decides that, actually, it was. That'll be another opportunity for a superhero fight gone to waste, then. Escaping to Pinehearst with Maya, Mohinder agrees to work for Arthur Petrelli and help perfect the new formula, regardless of any hidden agendas. Considering Mohinder has been consistently bent over the lab bench and forced to fellate test tubes by the original Company for the past two seasons, you'd think he'd have learnt to stop working for these people. He must enjoy it.

Then there's Daphne and Matt, the Heroes love story, and for various it's quickly becoming as godawful as the Claire and West love story from the second season. Mainly because it's just so gosh darn cute that it's nauseating. That, and it's not nearly as entertaining as Daphne's bitchy Tinkerbell act from previous episodes. Still, at least we can make amusing size comparisons between her and Matt.

Eris Quod Sum is a weak episode, doing nothing to advance the series. It's a shame, the series looked like it was beginning to peak again. I guess that's Heroes for you.

2/5

Anyone else tempted to send Tim Kring an e-mail containing nothing but the definition of the word 'consistency'?

Would never come for Peter – tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

Game Review: Far Cry 2

2008-11-08T05:48:00.000-08:00

Developed by gaming giants Ubisoft Montreal, 'Far Cry 2' hit the UK shelves a fortnight ago. Abandoning the science fiction element of the previous instalments in favour of a more realistic approach, Far Cry 2 was touted as the “true sequel” to the first Far Cry. But would it be able to live up to Crytek's acclaimed original?

The first thing you'll notice about Far Cry 2 is the environment, which is nothing short of stunning. Creating an environment as gorgeous as Far Cry 2's is an achievement in itself, but considering the huge scale and the fact that there are no loading screens, it's fair to say that Ubisoft Montreal have outdone themselves (no small feat after developing 'Assassin's Creed'). Whether you're skulking through the undergrowth, flooring it across the desert, or hang gliding over a valley, you'll be in awe at just how beautiful the world of Far Cry 2 is.

Sneak up on enemies while they're...ooh...that's a lovely sunrise...

A great environment is nothing without great gameplay to compliment it, and initially it seemed Far Cry 2 didn't have that. It moves slowly at first, and getting used to fighting in an open environment is a steep learning curve, especially since you're overcoming malaria. But, if you have patience, and persevere, you'll be rewarded with one of the best first person shooters on the 360.

As you complete missions, you'll be able to unlock and purchase more weapons, and as your arsenal grows, you'll be able to tailor how you approach the game to what suits you best. If you want to be subtle, you can try skulking through the undergrowth in a camouflage suit. Or you can just burn your way through the same undergrowth with a flame-thrower. The variety of ways in which you can approach the Far Cry 2 constantly keeps the gameplay fresh and, more importantly, fun. This is what makes Far Cry 2 great – the more you play it, the more fun it gets, and not many games are as fun as Far Cry 2 becomes.

Not everyone favours the subtle approach

On top of that, the single player is incredibly immersive, and this is thanks to the realistic approach. For a start, there's no HUD (Heads Up Display) unless you bring it up – by healing, picking up ammo, or checking your map – or unless the game is notifying you of something. Far Cry 2 is littered with similar equally brilliant and realistic features. As you're digging bullets out of your leg, frantically slapping a jammed weapon so that you can return fire, or just watching a herd of zebras scatter as you drive across the savannah, you'll realise that Far Cry 2 has reached a new level of immersion and realism. And you'll love it.

The only real flaw with Far Cry 2's single player is the guard posts dotted throughout the landscape, which are less of a hazard, and more of a chore. A repetitive chore at that, since you'll be encountering another guard post every ten or so minutes. The only way around them is to risk your car by driving off road, or by fast travelling to certain points on the map. But giving us this beautiful world to explore, then effectively forcing fast travel, feels broken. There are other, niggling faults in Far Cry 2, like people aiming in the opposite direction but still managing to land shots, or the foliage being so thick that you can't see your enemies, but they're still able to see you. But, with everything else about Far Cry 2 being as excellent as it is, these are forgiveable in the long run.

The map editor is Far Cry 2 is, by far, the most advanced map editor in any console shooter, and makes Halo 3's 'Forge' mode looks like toddlers building blocks by comparison. It's incredibly deep, with thousands of different features to edit - from the basic size and style of the map, to the time of day – and allows you to finally create your own, unique maps. An overwhelmingly brilliant feature, which raises the standard of console map editors above and beyond what Halo 3 did with Forge.

Making a drawbridge on Foundry stops being cool when you redecorate square miles of Africa.

Coincidently, the map editor has a massive impact on the online play. While ranked matches use default multiplayer maps, unranked matches allow you to download the host's customised map before the game, or to take your own maps online. It's a brilliant new feature, and while you'll have to wait an extra couple of minutes for a game, it's worth it to see what other players have created.

The multiplayer itself is nothing revolutionary, probably because all the revolutionary ideas were exhausted elsewhere. It's a class based multiplayer, with five different classes to choose from and upgrade, and four game types, which are simply variants of old, familiar game types (for example, Capture The Diamond works exactly like Capture the Flag). Ubisoft Montreal made a couple of bad decisions for the multiplayer – such as not allowing you to pick up dropped weapons – but as a whole, it holds it's own, and can be genuinely good fun. It's not about to knock Call of Duty 4 off it's perch, though.

While there are some flaws, Far Cry 2 is nonetheless a stunning game, easily ranking as one of the best single players I've had the fortune to play on Xbox 360. Don't let the slow start put you off, because eventually you will be rewarded with a slick, fun, and immersive experience. There's no restrictions, just a big box of toys, a huge playground, and no need to play nice. Play this game, because you'd be missing out if you didn't.

9/10

May or may not have spent 20 minutes chasing after a zebra – tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

TV Review: Dead Set (series)

2008-11-05T16:38:00.000-08:00

The week building up to Halloween is usually a poor one for British television, as channels battle it out to see which one can churn out the most mediocre and mainstream horror movies within the week. Fortunately, E4 tried a different tact, instead treating us to an original five part series: 'Dead Set'.

Dead Set takes place during the early stages of a massive outbreak, which coincidentally happens during a Big Brother eviction night. With the production team focussed on the spectacle and the house mates isolated from the outside world, the epidemic hits them hard and fast. After the brutal wave of violence, the few remaining survivors band together inside the Big Brother house itself. The series draws many parallels with Danny Boyle's '28 Days Later', but the unique Big Brother factor gives an otherwise stock plot line an interesting spin.

With the a horde of flesh eating zombies on the loose, Dead Set is bursting at the seams with gore and violence – and when it comes to both, it doesn't pull a single punch. Whether it's Davina McCall's neck being ripped open, or a zombie's head being smashed apart with a fire extinguisher, the gore is always fantastically gruesome. Seeing this level of gore in a television series is increasingly rare, and while it's bound to put off the more prudish viewers, anyone who's ever appreciated a little blood and guts is not going to be disappointed by Dead Set.

The visuals as a whole are one of the series' strongest points. The lighting is nothing short of fantastic, and the hand held camera style (similar to the style in Cloverfield) really puts you in the moment. Both of these factors make Dead Set incredibly atmospheric, and easily surpasses the standards set by most television shows. Hell, it surpasses the standards set by most films.

Dead Set's cast is mostly made up of relatively unknown actors, but they put together a surprisingly strong performance. These performances make the characters incredibly easy to relate to and sympathise with, which is a massive achievement for any horror flick. A special mention has to go to Andy Nyman, who plays authoritarian, and borderline sadistic, producer Patrick, who's superb timing and delivery provides some genuinely hilarious moments, which are a great contrast to the horror or drama of the series.

Dead Set does almost everything right. While the disappointing ending feels like a complete cop-out, the drama, suspense and dark humour leading up to it is nothing short of excellent. Anybody who likes a good zombie flick should check this one out, especially if you're a fan of 28 Days Later. I doubt you'll be disappointed with Dead Set.

4/5

Like a good zombie flick, if you know what I mean – tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

And then there was the walrus with the AK 47...

2008-11-03T15:47:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, back when I was toying with the idea of making a new site for the reviews, I asked a couple of guys if they would help me come up with ideas for a logo or banner.

Knowing the kind of random people I find on the internet, it was only a matter of time before someone suggested that my logo should feature a walrus and an AK 47. And here, thanks to invisibleninja7 / David, is the logo that resulted from that lengthy, intelligent discussion regarding large mammals and assault rifles.

Personally I think that it captures my large, toothsome, gun-toting essence perfectly. Top stuff, invisibleninja7.

Oh yeah, I should probably mention some review stuff, right? I've got a couple of game reviews lined up, including 'Far Cry 2' and 'Fable 2', and it's possible I'll be doing one or two more.

As for films, I'm looking to review the new Bond flick 'Quantum of Solace', partly because I love Bond, partly because I want to find out what the name is all out.

As well as the usual Heroes episode reviews, I'm planning to do a series review of E4's 'Dead Set'. If you haven't heard of 'Dead Set', it's essentially Big Brother meets 28 Days Later.

So there you go, hopefully you'll come back and enjoy reading the reviews when they're up, and I hope you've enjoyed some of my recent writing.

Cheers,

Tom

Tell me that you'd never waste your time e-mailing me - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

TV Review: Heroes Season 3, Episode 6

2008-10-31T07:58:00.000-07:00

With the third season of Heroes gradually picking up pace, anticipation for high for episode six “Dying of the Light”. Hopefully this episode could keep the series heading in the right direction.

After weeks of speculation, the main antagonist of the series is revealed to be Arthur Petrelli, Peter and Nathan's father. Unfortunately, apart from a brief scene when he absorbs Adam Monroe's regenerating ability, he barely features, and after all the build up it's a little disappointing.

As it turns out, Ando didn't die at the end of the previous episode. Thanks to a quick move by Hiro – involving some fake blood packs and a toy sword – Ando's “death” is effectively faked, and Hiro is given his first assignment, and teleports with Ando to Africa, to find the painter from the earlier episodes. I'm still not sure what his name is, but since he lives in a hut, has a staff, can see the future and enjoys finger painting, I'm just going to assume he's Rafiki from the Lion King. The Hiro and Ando scenes are, as usual, entertaining viewing, but it's made even better with Rafiki's input.

Mohinder adds to his collection of victims by capturing Tracy and Nathan, although it's never really explained why. The show has completely brushed over Mohinder's motivation for why he's taking these people, if he even has one. A little bit of character development would be nice occasionally, but when it comes to Mohinder and the characters closely associated with him, this concept seems to be completely ignored. If they can manage it with the other characters (Sylar and Nathan spring to mind) they can manage it for Mohinder

After Meredith's capture by Eric Doyle – who has the ability to control people's physical actions – Claire and her mother, Sandra, attempt to rescue her from Doyle's eerie Marionette theatre. The scenes with Doyle are genuinely creepy, partly thanks to Doyle's sinister ability, and partly thanks to some of the great music and sound effects. Both this, and the scenes with Hiro and Ando, are a refreshing change from the romantic angle the show attempts.

The bulk of the episode focuses on Daphne, as she travels the world, recruiting for Arthur Petrelli. Her first assignment, Matt Parkman, is found at the airport, caged tortoise in hand (that he's still irritatingly referring to as a “turtle”), and he instantly starts waffling on about how he and Daphne are soul mates. And then Heroes tries the romance angle, something that it's consistently failed to do well over the course of the series. Some of the lines are genuinely awful, and Matt even pulls the “what does your heart tell you” line out of his ass. It's still not as bad as the god-awful dialogue between Claire and West in season two, but it's getting there.

It's a step backwards from episode five, but “Dying of the Light” is still decent. What it does well is irritatingly contrasted by what it does badly, but the quality is definitely there.

3/5

How come Meredith can't user her powers when she's around Eric, when her ability is controlled by her adrenaline levels, and not her physical actions? See, these loopholes happen when you try and explain things scientifically. Next time, just tell us it's magic.

Tell me that I'm racist for comparing an African man to a baboon - tomdoodle16@live.co.uk

TV Review: Heroes Season 3, Episode 5

2008-10-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

With Peter confronting Sylar, Hiro and Ando digging up Adam Monroe, and Mohinder’s abduction of his neighbour being multiple cliff-hangers at the end of the previous episode, this weeks “Angels and Monsters” had a lot of questions to answer.

At level five, Peter and Sylar are at each other’s necks. Refusing to accept what Sylar’s ability has turned him into, Peter violently snaps Sylar’s neck and turns on his mother, unable to control his hunger. Sylar recovers, grotesquely cracking his neck back into place, and stops Peter in a great moment of role reversal.

Claire, still hell-bent on stopping villains, tracks down Steven Canfield, a man with the ability to create small vortexes. Realising that Canfield is troubled and confused, much like herself, she instead decides to help reunite him with his family, at which point she is interrupted by Noah Bennet and Sylar. The resulting scene - in which Canfield opens up a vortex and Claire is reluctantly saved by Sylar - sparks some fantastic tension between three of the shows key characters, and seeing how their relationships develop could be interesting viewing. As well as this tension, we also see more of Sylar’s gradual rehabilitation, and the subsequent insight into his character continues to be one of the greatest aspects of this season - partly thanks to the brilliance of the character, and partly thanks to Quinto's talent as an actor.

The aforementioned vortex scene is arguably the best scene in the episode. It’s incredibly well done, and the vortex itself looked genuinely excellent. After the debacle that was the green screening in the last episode, this is a nice reminder of what the Heroes special effects team is capable of, even if it is done just by using a couple of high-powered wind machines.

After abducting his neighbour, it is revealed that Mohinder has become even more spider-like, and has created a cocoon for his prey. After Maya tries to free his victim, Mohinder gives her the same treatment. Seeing the once timid professor transform into a twisted, bestial villain is a surprisingly interesting process, despite Rahamurty’s inconsistent performances, but Heroes seems to have brushed over a fairly important detail - how Mohinder makes these cocoons. Since they’re made from a translucent and sticky substance, they’re going to have to explain this one quickly, otherwise I can’t hold myself responsible for any jokes made.

In the meantime, Hiro and Ando have found and dug up Adam Monroe, and it seems reviving him was a good move. Like with Daphne, Adam’s banter with Hiro and Ando is entertaining and light hearted, and serves as much welcome comic relief in the episode. After agreeing to help Hiro and Ando find the formula, Adam quickly finds a way to escape. Unfortunately for him, his escape leads him straight into the path of Knox (now working for the rival company) promptly ending the episodes light hearted distraction. While it's a little disappointing that the light hearted side of Heroes tends to be brushed aside quickly, at least it's not being dragged out.

The series is moving along quickly, but it seems to have rediscovered what was good about Heroes. The drama, plot twists and character depth is really starting to show, and if keeps improving as consistently as it has, then it’s going to be very good viewing.

4/5

I bet Mohinder didn’t have any problems when it came to putting Maya in a cocoon…see, I can’t control myself.

Game Review: Saints Row 2

2008-10-21T14:28:00.000-07:00

The newest addition to Volition’s ‘Saints Row’ series, ‘Saints Row 2’ arrived in the UK last week. With the promise of a more weapons, vehicles, and space to wreck all kinds of havoc in, Saints Row 2 looked to be a significant improvement on the original. But could it meet the standards set by the brilliant Grand Theft Auto IV?

Not much has changed in Saints Row 2. As the leader of a small gang, you’ll fight rival gangs, earn respect, and attempt to take over the city of Stilwater. While for the most part it’s essentially the same as the original, Saints Row 2 has made a few additions, including new guns, vehicles, and character customisation options. It’s a typical sequel, but fans of the original game will appreciate the new toys they’ve been given to play with.

Some parts of this game just ooze quality from every orifice.

The big addition made to Saints Row 2 is how much more there is to do, and how many ways there are to earn respect. As well as adding to the different types of side missions (including missions that have you dress up as a cop and terrorise citizens with flame throwers) there are extra “diversions” that can be attempted in different situations. These range from ordinary taxi jobs, to seeing how far you can jump out of a car, to base jumping. Each of these diversions is absolutely pointless, but brilliant in equal measure, and with the variety of silly crap to do, you’ll be playing Saints Row 2 for a while before boredom sets in.

Fighting with the Chainsaw has a distinct "Dead Rising" feel to it. That's no bad thing.

Unfortunately, almost everything else about Saints Row 2 is fairly mediocre. The games attempts at humour are a perfect example of this, and it’s almost embarrassing having to listen to such worn out jokes so often, and anyone with a higher mental age than twelve is going to be very tired of them very quickly. It's as if it's trying too hard to offend in an attempt to impress, and failing miserably because all it's managing to churn out is watered down racism and a few "yo momma" jokes.

The game is also marred by a huge amount of glitches. Usually it’s minor visual glitches, such as textures failing to load, but after seeing cars driving without wheels, and torsos floating around the streets as their invisible heads scream in terror, you realise just how rushed and untested Saints Row 2 is. Considering most of these problems were in the original game, it’s really disappointing that Volition didn’t fix them for the sequel.

Stillwater itself is another way Saints Row 2 feels rushed. Aside from looking fairly dated, the city feels incredibly empty. It’s all well and good making the environment bigger, but if the extra size comes from putting in large, empty spaces there isn’t really much point, since these aren’t fun or interesting to play in. There’s also a surprising lack of vehicles and people, and more often than not that streets of Stilwater will feel very empty. Maybe Stilwater is still trying to populate itself after the carnage of the first Saints Row game.

He's doesn't know where everyone is, either.

While controlling your character is fairly smooth, you’ll find yourself constantly restricted by their inability to interact with the environment. The character outright refuses to grab onto almost anything, which can lead to some incredibly frustrating moments. There were a couple of moments where I was constantly jumping into a wall in a fruitless hope that my character would have the guile or intelligence to hop over it. But apparently prancing around like a ninny is more ghetto in his book, so he proceeded to do that as he was gunned in the back by several overzealous policemen. Nice.

The soundtrack is usually one of the main appeals of Grand Theft Auto and it’s clones, and Saints Row 2 is no exception. The soundtrack is pretty big, with hundreds of songs from several different genres to choose from, but you will start to notice the relatively short loop after a while. Songs on certain radio stations will crop up almost constantly, and listening to the same 80s hit over and over gets repetitive after a while. Still, there are some absolute gems in the soundtrack, and the ability to pick and choose songs and create your own radio station is a decent feature.

Saints Row 2 is a genuinely fun game. The sheer amount of pointless stuff you can do is absolutely great, and it’ll be a while before you find that you’ve run out of things to do. But the novelty doesn’t quite cover the mediocrity. The glitches, the graphics and the humour are all incredibly dated, and for me served as a potent, constant reminder of how much better Grand Theft Auto IV was. Saints Row 2 fails to meet the high standards set by GTA in pretty much every situation, and no matter what stunts it tries to pull with the next game, I don’t think it’s ever going to truly rival the series it tries so hard to impersonate.

7/10

I did try the online multiplayer, but after hearing six small children scream various racial slurs I decided to ignore it and go have sex in the local strip club. In the game, of course. Er-hem.

TV Review: Heroes Season 3, Episode 4

2008-10-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

Episode four “I Am Become Death” begins with Mohinder attempting to reverse his gradual transformation into a hideous Indian Spiderman. His newfound aggression is a nice change from his inane waffling about the science behind the show but, thanks to Ramamurthy‘s wooden acting skills, it‘s no more convincing.

After learning of her creation by the infamous Company, Tracy is pushed to the edge. While her attempted suicide is foiled by Nathan, it was kind of hard to believe any of it, thanks to the god awful green screen effects. The green screen effects in Heroes are rarely any good, but this is another level of mediocrity that the show hasn’t reached since the show’s pitiful recreation of Ukraine in season two. The annoying thing is that Heroes can look brilliant, some of the effects in the show are genuinely excellent, but each time they use a green screen it just looks lazy.

The bulk of episode four takes place in the future, with Peter’s scarred future self (who apparently took a four year trip to the Matrix) revealing that extraordinary abilities have become common, and that the sheer amount of abilities will destroy the world. Then future Peter is shot, which I liked, since his unnecessarily over-dramatic hand gestures were getting on my tits.

Peter then begins his search for the future Sylar, who’s original power is the key to saving the world. After discovering his location from Mohinder (who’s fully transformed into…er…Gollum), Peter discovers that, in the future, Sylar has reformed, and is now a father. The human side of Sylar is something the series hasn’t explored until recently, and having that insight into his character is incredibly refreshing. It goes without saying that Sylar was one of the shows better characters, but giving him a little more depth, and giving us the chance to sympathise with him, was a fantastic move.

Another smart move was giving Sylar’s power to Peter, effectively turning Peter into his nemesis. It’s an interesting development, and having Peter in Sylar’s position could flip the show right on it’s head. If the writers take advantage, this could be one of the best twists in the series so far.

With “I Am Become Death”, season three continues to pick up pace. There’s still quite a lot to pick on, but it’s getting there.

3/5

Is anyone else bored of how Nathan is always the president in the future? I’m looking forward to the season where he becomes a white version of Hancock.

Going to be a slow month…

2008-10-12T04:50:00.001-07:00

Since I’m no longer working, and since I’m still paying for review material, I’m going to be pretty limited in terms of what I can and can’t review for a month or two.

I’m still going to be writing, and regular visitors will have noticed I’m currently reviewing the third season of Heroes as an episode-by-episode thing, and I’m looking out for more cheap/free reviews that are available. It’s just unlikely I’ll be reviewing new games and films for a while. I’ll still manage to churn out one or two, but I won’t be writing as much as I’d like.

In the meantime, I’ve finally put a hit counter up. The plan was to use this a temporary site, checking to see what the traffic is like, and if it’s any good I’ll move to a paid host and see if I can get any money back from my reviews. There hasn’t really been a way for me to check what this site’s traffic was like, apart from vague estimations from the amount of feedback I had, and the hit counter should help me out with that.

You’ll also notice some adverts at the top of the site. It’s more experimental than anything else, I’m interested to see what kind of adverts I get, and whether or not I could generate any money from here. I’ll probably take them down after a while, but I’ll leave them up there for now, and see I anything interesting crops up. Who knows, maybe the pocket change I’ll make from them will help pay for a couple of extra reviews.

So yeah, there’s an update for you guys, hope it helps explain why I haven’t been writing many game reviews this month. I am actively looking for work, and I’ve signed on for Job Seeker’s allowance, so I should be able to get back to reviewing new material very soon. Until then, I’ll be writing a review of the latest Heroes episode every week, and I’m considering suggestions or requests people have made for reviews.

Cheers,

Tom

Yes, that means I'm finally pulling my finger out of my arse and answering some review requests.